Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I think you’re being very generous as to her motives - she’s freeloading. Reading your longer replies, she “popped in” morning, noon & night. Borrowing hot water I can kind of understand(ish), pooping in for a bit to keep warm, but letting you feed her kid, by passively sitting back & never once saying “I’m getting a takeaway, my treat” & forcing you to babysit is not on. I would never presume that & I would’ve taken you for a meal to say thank you once home at the very least. She clearly wasn’t set up for camping & didn’t enjoy it, so it beggars belief she’s going again. In my experience, she will blithely ignore subtle hints because last year’s exploits were calculated. It’s tough but you might have to be blunt & let her know you felt like her mum & it ruined your vacation

as a camping veteran - relying on someone else for heat and food is REALLy rude!! and shit preparation. this isn't the kalahari desert - she is a grown adult who should be taking what she needs to camp properly. She could make her tent nice and cosy and have proper camping set up if she wanted to

I have camped with close friends for years who are single parents - including at festivals - and they make it work and are self reliant! yes, we camp in a group to support each other but I don;t see parents rely on other adults for help unless it's mutual support.

You don't have to polite about your holiday having been ruined by them. You tell the colleague that it's 'you' time and you don't need to babysit them or do anything with them at all. Getting you to babysit was really rude of her so she sounds thick skinned anyway. In which case blunt is better.

There is absolutely nothing rude or awkward about telling her EXACTLY what you wrote in your initial post. Every year for 11 years this has been your ‘me’ time, not even hubby and DC comes. It’s your annual literary holiday you look forward to. And say you hope they have a lovely time, will be happy to grab a coffee, but without coming off rude you want to have your quiet solitude when you have finished volunteering! and you’re telling them
now so wires dont get crossed when you’re there. If she’s rude enough to cause a problem then I’d be rude enough to cause a bigger problem 😂

also I would change your holiday week and go to the camp on a week she isn't there

Hay is a literary festival, the OP volunteers there ( as she has explained numerous times).

Not much use going a different week!

@Craquedechevalier your week sounds utterly blissful. It's no weird or odd or anti social to want time to yourself. I say that as a single parent. Either tell her directly ir by message, that you use this time to be alone and recharge, and you can't host her in your van. You like it to be uninterrupted.

That’s majorly cheeky, 3 times a day! I sincerely hope the ‘leave me alone’ message is very firmly passed on this year. 3 times a day! I’d have exploded!

I suspect she has no concept of someone enjoying solitude. She may find it lonely (lone parent so possibly spends a lot of time alone) and assumes you do too, and doesn’t realise that you are choosing to go to Hay by yourself and love the time alone. I love my own company and have found lots of people honestly don’t believe I’m happy to be alone, and the thinly veiled pity from lots of people was palpable.

I know you’re going to try to explain to her that you are not up for regular visitors, and I hope she takes it on board, but, just in case she still doesn’t get it, would some big obvious over-ear headphones act as a deterrent if they ‘see’ you in the van reading etc? Maybe you could put some net curtains in your windows so she can’t see in? Failing that, a Do Not Disturb sign on your door?

Also, as a lone parent that used to take my children to festivals, suggest to her she keeps an eye on her local Aldi for camping accessories, including a canopy/gazebo to cook in/under, plus camping chairs, and top trumps etc to do when they are relaxing in their tent. Also head torches.

I'd be furious if I had someone knocking on my van door at 8am wanting hot water. I would imagine OP you wouldn't have time for chit chat and nonsense at that time of the morning when you are off on volunteering duties. Even if you can dissuade Agnes and DD from arriving for a social visit I think Agnes is still going to turn up with requests for help.

I haven't been to Hay (but would love to) so don't know the set up there with campsites etc. Could the organisers of the festival help you and ensure your van is situated nowhere near Agnes' tent? OP you have been volunteering there for many years so must be good at what you do and a well respected part of the festival. They wouldn't want to lose one of their best volunteers after all would they?

A Do Not Disturb sign! Yes. Genius.

Explain before the trip that you need your time alone.
I think a pps suggestion that you are writing a book is the best. You therefore need to be alone with your thoughts, even if it appears that you’re eating shortbread and leafing through a magazine.

Don’t say that you have a headache or aren’t well, because she’ll be back in an hour to kindly check on you.

There are blinds with a one-way effect. I don’t know how effective they are. They might be nice for more privacy while still seeing out.

Another thing- unless you have changed a lot of details this thread could be very identifying.
Of course, that might solve your problem in one way 😉

She sounds very cheeky and brazen.

Id let her know that you want alone time and are not available for babysitting this year.

Must be a very small festival if she knew exactly where to find you, in a van which I assume you don't take to work so she's never seen before?

Buy a door sign for the campervan ...."I'm out, please call back later!"
And hide inside doing your own thing.
Can't you just park away from her tent site?
How does she know where you're parked- is it not a very large campsite?
No chance of "getting lost" or even " poor network/ signal" etc?

Oh god it sounds like you might have to be a bit blunt if she doesn’t take the hint once you’ve explained it’s your ‘me time’.

I can’t imagine anyone thinking it’s ok to turn up at someone’s camper at 8am, then periodically during the day. Mid she stops by for some hot water, stand at the door don’t let them in and just say ‘sorry, no I’ve not got any hot water’, and then just stand and look at them. It’ll be really difficult for a bit but hopefully she’d eventually get the hint.

i used to holiday on my own for a for few years, people are for the most part lovely, but the amount of people who would try to take me under their wings because they felt sorry for me. Not knowing I wanted to be alone to relax and read my book etc.

Yes to the privacy film on the glass and a Do Not Disturb sign for the door.

I'd also respond to her that unfortunately there are some crossed wires, the only reason your family don't accompany you to the festival is that this is a retreat for you and in the time you're not volunteering, you have a full schedule of things you've already planned out for yourself. You're sure she understands and hope they enjoy themselves in their mother and daughter time.

I thought you were being kind and nice to someone who you worked with regularly - until you said you don't see one another very often at work! She's taken serious advantage of your good nature and I agree you need to say something to put a stop to it before she arrives this year with no tent and expects to sleep in the van with you!
Can you ask your line manager for advice on what to do/say? If nothing else it covers your back if she decides to start being awkward at work over it.

Just have a laptop open and say, ‘I’m about to go on a Zoom call now. Enjoy the rest of your day.’

“Hey, I’m glad you and your daughter enjoyed the camp last year and have booked to go again - it’s a great experience. But I just want to clarify in advance, that I won’t be able to hang out with you like last year or do any baby-sitting as I have a full-on schedule and am really just looking forward to some me time. Hence, I go without my family 😄 Hope you understand and have a great time. I’ll catch up with you once back at work.”

I'd make it absolutely clear that I will not be available - I am having a totally child free holiday doing what I want, when I want to do it.

Honestly?

As someone who regularly camps in both big tents and has a camper van , as crew /volunteer at festivals for at least a week or more.

(Including Hay!)

I'd first say "no I can't do that"

Then I'd say "I've told you NO"

Then I'd be into "just fuck off dear"

Thank you. We should all go, then we could make a rota for being available to Agnes and her daughter.

You don't have to see her at work the following week, do you? Or are you in the habit of telling colleagues to fuck off? I'm not.

I think even your thoughts are polite, so I'm sure you'll handle this well. It's that ghastly threat of "we can hang out like last year" that must have made your blood run cold. Pick a quiet moment with her, say "I'm afraid I found last year very stressful and I really wouldn't want to be in that situation again" - although you'll phrase it much better - and then stick to your guns.

And absolutely NO to free babysitting.

Your colleague is outrageous. Expecting you to give them meals?!
You’ve shopped for one, not three.

Put a Do not disturb sign on the door.
Ignore knocking.
If she knocks on the window, jump, scream, sigh ostentatiously and point to your laptop.

I go on holiday to get away from people at work so this scenario would be my worst nightmare. You need to be very firm with this woman and set clear boundaries from the outset. I’ve no doubt she’s the sort of person who’ll need help to pitch her tent because she won’t have a clue or have had the sense to have a practice run at home. I’d seriously consider camping elsewhere for a quiet life.