Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I think the phrase "I won't be able" works well,especially if prefaced by "Oh, what a shame, but ...."

Sorry I’m meeting friends. See you back in school and if knock on door don’t answer and if see them ‘sorry was in shower’ or yawn noisily and keep saying ‘no thanks’ keep checking your phone/watch and use body language.

Im sure I’ve said this on another post some time ago.

I think she absolutely is a CF - no one can be that socially inept? She shows up just as you’ve made breakfast & dinner - with a hungry child in tow?! I love my time alone & I would have to be blunt / verging on rude to make sure that this cr*p didn’t continue…

Can you tell "Agnes" you invited your imaginary girlfriend to stay with you in the campervan the whole week? She's the lonesome-cowboy (oh well) type and doesn't want any company at all.

It's not the only solution but if it were me, I'd change campsites and pay twice just to get away.

That's if you can't get any money back.

It's super annoying but I'd avoid the awkward convo by just not being there.

I wouldn't entertain any of it, and would make sure she knows that as soon as possible. However if you do end up with her in the van, here are some tips.
'I'm going to make my dinner now, have a good night.'
'Don't worry x, I'm sure Mummy has something nice planned for your tea'.
'Hi, I'm not meaning to sound anti-social but I'm not really up for a visit now. Maybe catch you tomorrow.'

« Oh sorry, I am expected for duties »
« Oh sorry, I was about to eat and I didn’t prepare much as it is just me but come with your food tomorrow no problem »
« Oh sorry, I can’t tonight but tomorrow in the morning at 9am or in the afternoon. »
« Oh sorry, I catched a bad headache and I am heading to bed, I am not good company this evening, I will see you at work when we are back. »
« Oh it is windy tonight, in the shop you might find…. »

also. Don’t open the door and lock it.
also. Plan your evening so you know why you can’t.

So I'm the bubbly personality 🤣 and I remember back when I just started working in a new company (and first job in the new country) and I tried to be friendly. As it's a big company and in customer service, we took our breaks few people at the time. So once I came same time as another colleague and we sat together, eat and chat. (Or I chatted, who knows 🤦🏼) Next day we coincidently had break at the same time. She was already there and when I came in I smiled and cheerfuly said: 'Oh, we're together again!' And she gave me the look and said:'I like eating in quiet!'
I got the message 😃 We rarely saw each other after and soon I was promoted to a different department (I think they gave me the job because of my personality 🤣) so I never made it an issue.
But I agree, probably the truth is the best.

Sorry to sound harsh, but how can someone be that tin-eared that they ignore your stated needs and wishes. Are they really that thick that they don't get the message?

also I would change your holiday week and go to the camp on a week she isn't there.

Unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be getting the message.
You need to be blunt I think and explain to her why you like the time for yourself.
She isn’t being considerate to your needs.

@Craquedechevalier does she work in a department /position she regards as superior to yours? Or do you work in a supporting role to hers or anything? I wonder if that also plays into her assumed authority & superiority in deciding how you spend your free time at the festival. Would she do the same to women of her own age & standing professionally? It may play into her using you for what services you provide to her who occupies a greater & more important role (in her mind) in addition to your being older that older woman (to be pitied for being) on your own (the horror!). Maybe not just curious!

Omg she sounds a complete nightmare. How anyone can be so unaware is beyond belief. You have to be very assertive with people like that and make sure you're ready for a quick response when you see her to make it clear it's not going to happen this time round.

Completely off topic OP, but is your username a reference to the crusader castle in Syria? I do hope so :)

Sadly, some people just can’t read the room

Not sure if it's already been said (I haven't read the whole thread), I think you csn buy privacy film online - that way no one csn see in through your windows (and make sure you lock your door).

In your shoes, I would use one of the suggested text messages above, any of the ones that state firmly that you are planning to spend the week on your own and won't be available to see her except once for coffee on X day at X time, not the ones that are apologetic. I would also contact her ASAP so that your position is absolutely clear to her long before the festival begins. I would be on edge the whole time if she hadn't been told clearly what you are planning and expecting. The thought of being unable to relax, anticipating a knock at the door at any moment, sounds dreadful.

I very much agree with @RawBloomersregarding the lack of reciprocity last year. This colleague wasn't trying to do something nice for you, even if she patronisingly views you as a "lonely old woman" who would enjoy her company. She was using you, plain and simple. If last year's festival had been the beginning of an actual friendship, I might think otherwise. But you've said that you remain essentially on nodding terms. She's not your friend. She may well see you as someone she can take advantage of. Though it's unlikely she'd frame the situation to herself in that way, since "takers" very rarely see themselves clearly for who they are.

OMG! I am a "the more the merrier, let's be sociable" type and I would HATE this. Incredibly rude and an imposition of her.

I love Hay so much and you’ve inspired me to go again when time permits. And I know exactly which campsite you are talking about so you shouldn’t have to inconvenience yourself simply to avoid any social awkwardness.

What people have suggested and what you have agreed to do it most definitely the best option. Leaving it until the festival will make you apprehensive and you want to enjoy this much anticipated time away as much as you usually do (bar last year).

I think the idea of being brutally but kindly honest is important. Say that the solitude and meditative aspect is something you look forward to enormously (backed up by your friend) and that you are enjoying not having to answer doors/phone calls/interruptions/demands which, I imagine, are all too commonplace in your job.

She is not your responsibility but set down your boundaries early and have a conversation with her if necessary and go and enjoy your me time. It sounds wonderful 💕

Plastic, removable,misted glass film?

Worth a try to keep things amicable.

Some PP don't seem to appreciate you're in a van...you know, with windows and they can see you inside unless you sit in there with all the curtains closed which wouldn't feel great. Part of the joy of campervans is the view of the outdoors, having the doors open etc.. You can't blank out the windows as it's part of your visibility when driving and who wants the faff of sticking something on and peeling it off? The OP shouldn't have to hide in her van anyway.

The "sorry" isn't necessary

😂

so many different options!

You are going to need to say something, or they will stick to you like glue, and it will be worse than last year.
Honesty is always the best policy, so I'd just tell them that last year, you were helpful as they seemed out of their element but this year, you won't be available, even when in your caravan as this is your vacation to recharge and spend time with just yourself and really don't want company.
If she gets pushy, tell her what you've told us. That it made you uncomfortable, you were a bit perturbed when she just assumed you'd child-sit for her, and that you intend to spend the week doing you and not being a hostess. If she gets pissed off, that's on her. People should not assume they are welcome into your life and vacation without an invitation to do so.
I wish you could stay somewhere else and avoid the hassle, but it seems like your place is set.

I wish you luck and hope your retreat isn't ruined by Edna Extrovert and her DD, Nadia the Not Invited. Don't be Milly the Milquetoast. This is your time.

This is a genuinely hard situation OP. I'm not sure about your interpretation of her just thinking she is brightening your day

I camp a lot - and have camped with many different friends and in many different situations - including with single parent friends who are camping or at festivals on their own with 2 or 3 children.

In all these situations it is not normal to just knock and start sittting in a warmer van/ tent/ letting another adult make your child food - knocking to get hot water because they aren't set up properly. actually sounds like really poor camping ettiquette to me.

I think this woman is taking the absolute piss.

I think this is a case of being really really assertive (this is not the same as rude) -
you could say you find the day very tiring with al the volunteering and need the downtime to process so really sorry but wont be having anyone in your van at all. ???

or you could say - hi, ive had some personal issues that mean I am not up to company so Im really sorry but im going to be being private after the long days at the festival

or

look, ive been using my time at the festival to catch up on some alone time - Im working on some writing and reading thats important to me and im not going to be as sociable im afraid.

I think you need to tell her well before the time that you don't want her knocking or coming into your van - just be really clear about it

and so what if it pisses her off?? she should go and camp in a family area and make friends with similar families / other parents - that's what people do when they camp with kids.