Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Yeah if this is the case, all the more reason to tackle it.

I'd tell you appreciate her making the effort to spend time with you, but you think she might have got the wrong end of the stick. You actually love the alone time you get at the festival, it's your 'me' week. Hence why you don't bring DC or DH along.

Be nice - I think you're probably right in your feeling that she thinks she's helping someone lonely - but be firm. There's no need to burn the bridge. Meet her for the coffee or whatever suits, but she wants to do something that doesn't, push back politely but firmly. Tell her you want a lie-in in the morning. Don't offer to cook for her - simply suggest her DD must be getting hungry and it's probably time for them to go for their tea. You're about to settle down with a good book / give DH a ring anyway. See you tomorrow! If she comes knocking, smile and tell her it's not a good time, you're in the middle of something, you'll see her later. And shut the door. If she keeps trying to use your facilities, express surprise. Tell that you were happy to help out last year, but this year she knew what to expect and you thought she'd be better set up. Flat out tell her it's not convenient, if she persists.

Polite confusion and consistent refusal is the way to go.

Have you actually sent her a message @Craquedechevalier ?

I spent a long time yesterday looking at the website purely because of this thread 😁.

Exactly. Don’t be a doormat.

You can politely but firmly draw a line. And use as many white lies as needed to spare feelings. But I’d be a hard no to these people. They’ve used you and your kindness and should know better than to take advantage of strangers, which is essentially what you are. You owe them nothing.

The person I feel most sorry for is the 7 year old. Her mum is a CF and she’s teaching her child to be one too.

I’m another one now daydreaming about a week on my own at the Hay Festival! Thanks OP! I hope you get the week you want this year.

I’ve just investigated the whole thing too. What a place! One day when I’ve reached the lower demand end of the parenting track hopefully!

This is the page that tells you what you need to know.
https://www.hayfestival.com/stewards.aspx
Yes, quite often you can listen to the talks although you're supposed to be watching the audience to make sure everything's okay, too. But you don't get to choose which team/ venue you're in so it's all a bit random.

I think you could just deal with this on the day. So if she bangs on the door, just say you’re busy. No need to make excuses. Or you could say to her - why don’t you bring a takeaway and some wine - mines a cod and chips and I prefer Malbec. If she doesn’t want to do the latter, well you don’t want to subsidise her either

Maybe say something along the lines of 'happy to meet for a coffee on a couple of the days but this year I really need to have my 'me' time whilst I'm there. No offence but it's very much needed' Hopefully she will get the hint. Good Luck!

Even worse them..

Are you either going to speak to her or send one of the many excellent suggestions as a text?

Hints don't work with people like that

They bat them away

No white lies needed.

That week is OP's ALONE time. She just needs to make it clear that she WANTS solitude.

You have some options: (a) tell her you don’t want to socialize (some good wording suggested by PPs) but you’ll have to be firm, or if that fails, (b) take DH this year. Bribe him if necessary. Tell her you’re delighted he’s joined so you can spend some romantic time together.

Along with "That doesn't work for me," I have discovered the wonderful phrase "That's a shame."

I used to take on responsibility for people's problems and try to solve them for them. I'm trying to train myself not to do that!

In which vein... When CF colleague moves on to "But I've bought my ticket now! I was relying on your van. I don't know how I'll manage without it"...

Your reply can be: "That's a shame. If you'd checked with me rather than just buying without asking, I would have told you. Never mind, I'm sure you'll manage as all the other people there in tents do. It'll be an great opportunity to meet new people."

But when they were back on the campsite, they'd check if I was in the van and if there was any sign of me they knocked and anticipated coming in for a chat and a drink. I'm sure they thought they were being friendly to a lonely older woman who was there on her own.

She didn’t think she was being nice to a lonely old woman, or she’d have offered to do things with you. She thought you were a convenient source of things that would make her and her DD’s time their better. She came to you only when there was something she wanted. She offered you nothing and took whatever she could convince you to provide her with.

She could have gone and got coffees one morning and brought them back for you, or asked if there was anything you’d like company at, etc. But from what you’ve said, nothing like this happened. She imposed at her convenience and that is all she did.

The polite way for her to frame this is as though she is sociable and friendly. But the lack of reciprocation gives the lie to it. That isn’t friendly and sociable. It’s having an inflated sense of self worth that sees you as lesser than her - someone to be used for whatever works for her, not an equal to find mutual enjoyment with.

Do not answer if she knocks on your van. If she then spots you emerge later and asks why you didn't answer simply say "aaah - headphones. I come on this break for some real me time and escape. Got to off now, see you around!" And dash off. Repeat until she gets used to it.

If you possibly can, move to be away from where she's pitched and don't let her know where you are - perhaps politely meet her once at a cafe then otherwise avoid.

You could just explain , say sorry no - I like to do my own thing, its my 'me time'.

When I was a child of about 12 I asked my aunt (who was on holiday with us at the time), if I could go on her day out with her. She was visiting a local town. She said no- explained that she liked time by herself. I understood and didn't take offence.

Cheeky fuckers come in all shapes and sizes: this one is 'cheery and outgoing'. Please do not let her ruin another lovely week for you.

Yes, you must tell her in advance that you enjoy the time away from everything and everybody, doing your own thing, not seeing anybody or taking visitors. And definitely rope your friend in to deliver the same message.

That way, when she inevitably rocks up anyway looking for help with the new tent, or (conveniently) appears at feeding time, or - I had to laugh at the bare-faced cheek of this - assumes you'll give HER a bit of time off by looking after her child while she fucks off to a comedy gig (I bet she laughed her arse off!), you'll be able to say 'sorry Agnes, I'm just having a bit of 'me' time'. And shut the van door in her face.

Yes, it's tough being a single mum, taking a child camping for a week. But she us CHOOSING to do it. Nobody, especially not you, is encouraging her to do it. Your time is valuable and you get to choose who to spend it with.

Have fun at Hay and don't waste time feeling guilty about anything. The cheeky fucker certainly won't.

They might have thought you was lonely. Maybe say yer we could spend a day together but honestly a week away from my own family is heaven. Can we agree on what day?

Interested to know... Last year who arrived first? Did she see your van and pitched up next to you? How far away physically was her tent?

I have been in your shoes and the best way is to be a bit blunt and not too welcoming, limit conversation. Make the situation feel awkward.

Honesty is the best policy. Explain that it's your "me" time to catch up with reading and relaxing between volunteering duties and that you're sorry, it's not personal, but you don't want to be sociable as you go there to be unsociable and unwind. Suggest you could meet up one or twice but that's all. Your colleague might be "friendly" but she is being very presumptious and using you. It is not fair to say they wouldn't have survived without you - what would they have done if you weren't there, gone home? Well that was their lookout. She has put you in an awkward situation and doesn't seem to be aware that she is imposing on your good nature. It should be perfectly obvious to anyone that it was not on to constantly use your facilities and then asking you to babysit was really unfair.

Absolutely she can meet other people and maybe others with children the same age who can team up. Maybe there are activities you could direct her towards.

Exactly this

Put a BIG everyone do not disturb me sign on the van.......
Then don't answer if they knock.