Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Why on earth should the OP make life less pleasant by herself by blocking out light or using headphones if she doesn't want to? And why should she lie about having a migraine?

This! Tell her NOW. "I hope you have your heating and hot food sorted - because I will be busy and won't be doing what I did last time. It was ok once (if you want to be polite) but please don't expect it again. I will be working and value my 'me time' - this is not a shared holiday"

Otherwise she will turn up like a wet cat and you'll let her in again. You let them in once, she'll be there everyday.

And practice saying 'Sorry, I'm busy' with a smile at the mirror. Say it 20 times every morning till it rolls off your tongue automatically.

@Craquedechevalier this has reminded me of the time many years ago I ended up on my own at Christmas. It was utter bliss - until all my (actually lovely) friends started popping in ‘to see if I was ok because we were worried about you’. Two of them turned up together and both fell asleep on my sofa - it was actually hilarious. I sat and watched a lovely film in peace and quiet, apart from the snoring. In all, I think 3 different sets of visitors turned up. Bless. It’s not quite the same as your scenario (which would drive me nuts btw) but I know that mine was driven mostly by kindness, with a hint of ‘let’s escape the chaos at our house’ 🥰

@Craquedechevalier I think you are going to have to be quite blunt with her.

"Agnes, I wanted to talk to you before Hay, because I think you might have got the wrong end of the stick. For me, it's a week of alone time, to recharge my batteries. I have a very full life 51 weeks a year, and going to Hay by myself is a sacred, special thing for me. I have absolutely no problem with either you or your daughter and would be up for having a coffee or meal together at some point. But when I'm alone in my van, I'm not at a loose end and happy to hang out. It's my precious alone time and I really don't want to be disturbed. And I really really don't want to babysit. I needed to tell you this beforehand because if we end up spending every evening together like we did last year I'm afraid it will affect our relationship in a negative way and I don't want that to happen, because I do like you. I just need to be a bit of a hermit that week."

From your comments you seem like a really nice person that doesn't want to offend or be mean but it's at your expense you're not getting thecweek you want.
I think go along the lines of what other people have said and "Be busy" the odd meet up out of the van to be civil but nothing else.
Sorry I'm in the middle of a family call was a good one.
Sorry I'm just about to eat
I'm really busy at the minute maybe later.
I'm just so tired after today I'm going to just chill ill see you tomorrow.

I think you've worded this really nicely
It's not rude but it's honest and firm whilst still attempting not to hurt her feelings

She doesn't sound like a person that would take hints. You need to tell her without mincing your words.

Agnes, it's great you have a better tent this time. I can't host you on my next trip, I felt it was too much last time. I go away to me on my own. If she's the jolly, happy person you say she is she won't be annoyed for long.

If you still find her popping round to your van, beat her at her own game and pop to her tent first, have a small conversation then say you need to get back to the van for you time. If she does chap at the door just say sorry Agnes it's not a good time, I'm about to eat, sleep, read a book etc

Maybe let her in once for a coffee if you must then say sorry I need to be getting on with things, stand up and go and open the door.

I was thinking the same thing! Sounds lovely (although I might prefer a glamping option!).

I think this is a good thing to say...you'll have to address it beforehand as she is the type of not take even a not so subtle hint, and will be pestering you the whole holiday. As much as you shouldn't have too I would be tempted to change campsites (not telling her obviously)...a complete cop out but I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle!

I may have missed it but are you and this women actually friends? Either in work or out of it?

Or literally work aquaintences?

She actually sounds worse the more you’ve explained how she freeloaded from you @Craquedechevalier. Had you been there with another person/company I would imagine she would have acknowledged or apologised if she was butting in or if you had other plans /were busy etc. I think your being there solo has allowed her as you say to decide that you are a lonely old woman who she’s doing a favour to coming in & cheering her up. It’s horribly rude & ignorant of her! I wld just be wary of enlisting another person to get the message across. Do they truly know how much she abused your hospitality & ruined your peace & time there? I agree with others the words heat, food, hot drinks, rain, make other arrangements, van off limits all need to be spelled out otherwise this CF is going to laugh it off as you being a bit of a cantankerous grumpy old woman who is a bit of moaner & who all the more just needs some cheery company from her & her child. She sounds like she’s one of those that thinks they know what’s best for other pple. When she is actually horribly unaware. Blackmailing you - wet, hungry, cold child is emotionally manipulating you let’s be honest. What will you do if you get a knock with “sorry Craque I know you’re not up for visitors but cld we just come in for a few mins to dry off until this downpour has passed?…”Oh remember the wonderful hot chocs Craque made for us last year darling?! Wasn’t she just a life saver? Oh bless you!! Yes we won’t stay long…..” 🙄

Don't use the word 'sorry', despite what so many posters are suggesting!
It's a British curse, and a woman's curse too IMO. Not 'Sorry, I was just going out' or 'Sorry, I'm reading' – 'I was just going out.' and walk past her and shut the door, or 'I'm reading,' polite smile and shut the door.

You have to tell her. This is your time and she has inadvertently ruined it for you. If you do not say anything , she will assume you are happy with it. If she’s alone with her daughter , she may be lonely and only now be going because it’s social time for her with another adult. Eventually, you will stop going and lose that time.

Dont compromise with her - don’t say I can meet one or two days etc , because you don’t want this .

Just say to her you need a chat and say it feels really awkward to say and you don’t want to come across like you’re being mean but you specifically book this time alone there to be alone - even make up a reason, say you’ve had a hard time etc - but be clear that you only go because you get a week to yourself.

“This is my ‘me’ week so don’t be offended by my asking you not to intrude in this. I’d appreciate if you’d respect my wish for peace, quiet and solitude”. And if they show up, lock the van and ignore them!

I can’t believe that having had your own family and reached the ripe old age of finally regaining some time to yourself, another random family of no known origin to you, is suddenly trying to hitch a ride on your goodwill.

That mum should be ashamed of herself. There’s goodwill and then there’s just taking the piss.

Im not as polite as you and would probably have said something like “it’s been great spending some time together last day or two but I need my campervan and space to myself for the rest of the week. Look at me as some sort of nun or monk, taking a vow of silence, or something if that makes it easier, but this week away here is a week I like to spend alone. Why don’t we say we’ll have one more pasta dinner at mine on Thursday before we all go home.”

that way OP you’ve claimed back your time, stated your needs, offered a bone and been polite but not made any excuses. You shouldn’t need to explain yourself. It’s your campervan and your time.

If they knock while you’re there after that, I’d pull down the blinds in full view and not answer the door. I don’t care what people think of me, especially when they’re CFs.

If they kept knocking I’d open the door and tell them I was feeling sick, suspected norovirus. Just keep being ill every time they come round. They’ll soon get the message.

Glad you have a better tent. You’ll be able to be more independent this year. I began to feel like I hosting you last year 😆 Remember to bring plenty of tea bags and pasta and maybe I’ll see you about. PS I’m booked up most of the time so make sure you get tickets for your DD too 👍

Glamping options available. Just google.

I know you don't want to be too blunt with her as you work together (?) but she doesn't sound like a true friend. Some people just don't understand the concept of 'me time' or get where the line's drawn. As you're a volunteer she knows you're socialising to some extent and meeting people etc so it's hard to act like it's a retreat. You're entitled to be there doing what you want without her imposing on you all the time. Tricky. Send a general message about wanting things to be different this year and maybe being free for one coffee (no meals!).

I agree with this. I have spent so much of my life apologising for even existing. It’s so socialised in women to be so polite and accommodating all the time, all it does is just make you shrink yourself until you’re so small you don’t even matter.

Only a complete CF would rock up and expect a colleague on a holiday to babysit her child.

Unbelievable that some don't get that, and would excuse it.

CF is short for cheeky fucker, @Itsoneofthose.

Oh god, she sounds like a more the merrier type. I am not one of those and hate having their mindset imposed on me.

Like others I have been looking up volunteering...dreaming for when I retire. Do you get any free talk tickets? I can see it says about meals, I'm guessing if talks aren't mentioned then they aren't included.

The tack I'd go for is:

"It's so wonderful that you're going back, I'm glad you enjoyed it enough last year.to want a repeat. I was delighted to be able to help you find your feet there last year as a one off, especially if it's converted you to Hay.

But I need to be clear, I'm actually a grumpy old woman who goes there to spend all my time alone after feeling peopled out during the school year! Very anti-social of me I know, but I love that isolation so there's no need to give up your time to try and keep me company as I'm happy as a pig in.poop alone in my camper van without the pressure of hosting others or making conversation. Obviously give me a wave if you spot me at an event though!"

We bump into each other at work occasionally. We know each others' names and say hello. I knew a little bit about her because she works in the same department as as a friend of mine, but we weren't and aren't friends.

This explanation makes your tolerance of her even more inexplicable.