Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

They project their own situations which doesn’t help,

then spend more time outside the van and have early nights.

I just don't see why it should be part of the solution for OP to restrict her routine in any way, either to accommodate or to avoid this pair. This is why I chafe at the 'move campsite' suggestions. It's really clear OP likes this site and has things set up perfectly for her. As long as she sets clear expectations from the off - from right now ideally - then she should be free to keep enjoying her time there without having to move sites or feeling on pins in case they might call around.

Why should OP ruin her holiday for these scroungers?

Yeah this exactly what I’m talking about. The OP politely explains that she thinks people are getting the wrong end of the stick and unfairly maligning the other party and this is the response!

I’m glad the OP isn’t going along with it.

I have said similar to people myself. I need my downtime and alone time, I f I haven’t got my kids, I don’t want yours!
people might baulk at it but i don’t want their good time to be at the expense of mine.
im neurodivergent and I’ve learned that I have to blunt in order not to be walked over, people misconstrue or seem to misconstrue my signals unless I lay it out explicitly

You'll feel so much better once you've spoken to her, even if she doesn't take it well. There's less need to lie than there is to adapt your own plans. Once you've done it once, told her once, either she gets the message or you've got 'as I said' to fall back on. The truth isn't rude.

I think you need to be clear beforehand that you are looking forward to alone time at the festival & that’s why you don’t invite friends or family along
Then order/make a lovely sign for outside the van… “Please do not disturb”. Hang the sign up every time you enter your van.
Hope you have a lovely time.

Fair enough, I’ll take that. In my defense though, it did seem to me that the OP struggled to say an outright ‘no’.

I would make up a wee white lie like you’ve promised to read 12 books this week or write x number of words of your own. That way when you see her you can always be friendly and chat for five minutes but then say “sorry, must get back to my reading/writing”.

The bigger problem you might have OP is that all of us women of a certain age reading love your idea so much that you might have 50 of us around you this year. You have described a week of absolute perfection, being on your own in the cosy van and even better, at a literary festival.

Definitely

Well, hopefully, if she has a better camping set up and knows how to prepare ahead she won't need support this year. Pray for good weather so she doesn't have the excuse of being too cold in her tent and needing to take shelter in your van but she'll probably pop over anyway. A 'Do Not Disturb' sign may be an idea but if she sees you through the window she may still knock or shout!

She probably does think she's doing you a favour offering companionship to a 'lonely' woman and if she's hyper sociable she may not get the desire for time to yourself. All you can do is put her straight on that.

She may already have looked at the programme of events and considered you babysitting again so that would be my main concern. You need to be clear upfront about not being available for that.

OP, you are being far too generous towards her.
She bulldozed her way into your camper van with her DC every day during your holiday, taking over your limited space, time, hot water, heating, rest time, food, energy and company all without your invitation and without your prior agreement.
Yet you say she isn’t the CF user type, rather she is a happy bubbly type. Seems to me that it’s a subtle type of bullying,- yet you feel sorry for her as she’s on her own. She forced you to host her and her child in your tiny space every day for your week off.

If her tent didn’t meet her needs for warmth, hot water and comfort last year, why is she repeating the experience this year. It’s very probable, that with renewed vigour, she is planning on invading your space against your wishes again. She knows you are too kind to up your objections like last year. You have to meet her determination with much more of your own.

It’s good you plan to tell her, with as much advance warning as possible, that you hope she is all fixed up for improved accommodation and food etc this year as you won’t be able to help her out at all, due to a change of scheduling plans.

No further explanation should be necessary but if she does ask questions, you simply firmly say ‘things are different for me this year with my volunteering position, so yes, I just wanted to let you know that I definitely won’t be available to see you or host you in my camper van this time, not at all.
As a last resort, if she refuses to get the message, you can say ‘I’d prefer not to say if you don't mind’ or ‘personal reasons’ to any unwanted questions. Shut her right down OP. She’s taking the Micky.
Enjoy a lovely peaceful week all to yourself!

Say nothing except that someone borrowed your van and a person died in it this year. Say you’re sure it’s haunted/cursed now. Say weird sinister things have been happening every time you use it and also to people who visit it. Speak of it constantly if they still insist on visiting. Act as if totally freaked out. Bet they’ll avoid you then. But at least no bad atmosphere at work later. Sad but necessary in my opinion.

“Hi, hope you have fun at Hay. It’s great isn’t it? This year my focus is going to be on recharging so other than doing the volunteering I’m on my own to recharge those batteries.

If you want to meet up then I’m open to a catch up but I’m afraid this year it’s all about alone time for me. I am sure you understand - we all need that bit do space from time to time.”

Say this and leave it at that. Maybe meet her somewhere for a coffee (no providing her with stuff for her camping) and then let it be known that’s the one and only time.

If she is offended - well that’s her look out. She went initially not knowing you’d be there so presumably she is capable of looking after herself and her daughter.

God this would drive me fucking mental!! Glad you're going to talk to her and the colleague - good plan, be strong so you don't give in 🤩

I agree with a message or a conversation along these lines. I wouldn't put the blinds down though; if they turn up and she and her daughter start knocking or pressing their faces against the window, open door and say politely, 'I don't want company, thank you. See you later,' and close the door firmly.

I also agree with those pointing out that, while she might be trying to come across as a free spirit/just friendly and sociable et cetera, she's actually being very pushy. I think most people realise that bringing round a child at a time when they're likely to be hungry is emotional manipulation. So is constantly asking for help/presenting yourself as a camping novice or idiot – and if she's so rubbish at it and needed so much help last year, why is she doing the same holiday again?

It's a lovely image. I don't have a camper van and to various health problems, I couldn't do it solo anyway, but I completely see the appeal of being on your own, but with other people not far away and everybody enjoying peace, solitude and good books, with interesting events to go to. It sounds idyllic.

My mum was quite sociable at work and we would often have her colleagues dropping around (uninvited) on the weekends.

Quite often we would have to hide underneath the windows and wait for them to leave. On more than one occasion they wouldn’t take the hint and would come around the side and knock on the back door.

You need to block out your windows completely and use noise cancelling headphones.

You can put alfoil (aluminium foil) on your windows which will completely block out any light from your van.

If she ever ambushes you while you’re walking to your van just say you have a migraine and need a lie down.

Shes a CF for having you babysit her child last time. That was really shitty of her.

I wonder if your cf is related to a friend. Ds brought a flat in a nice city, say Bath. Friend immediately said, great, somewhere they can stay!

It sounds like a lovely week away. Put your foot down or it's going to be the same again. Come on, you can do this!

You could open with... "you caught me off guard last week, but I wanted to let you know"... and add your own words.. If you don't want to meet for coffee or dinner, don't add that as a softener. Fewest words, clearest message. Maybe some waffle about hope they enjoy it, etc.

You'd be very welcome. I've got to know several people like me (and you) through my years of attending Hay. Although we only see each other once a year we are genuinely pleased to see each other and have a catch-up, but careful not to lean on each other except in an emergency.

I think the advice you’ve had and you’ve said you’re going to use is good OP.

I just wanted to say I really sympathise! And unlike some situations, I actually can see how this was very hard to say no when they kept turning up last year. For some reason there are people out there who think that someone on their own always wants company.

Definitely have the conversation very clearly in advance this year as you’ve said you plan to, and I’d also come up with some prepared phrases if they knock on your door. ‘I’m just enjoying some time on my own before my shift starts - have a good day’ ‘I want to read some more of my book so I’m not going to ask you in’ sort of thing. I don’t have an issue using my words, but I can see this is a tricky situation when it’s pissing it down with rain which is why the advance conversation is useful too.

I know this is completely the wrong answer, I think I’d give it a miss for a year, I’m not great in these situations