Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP - your most recent post...I think you're spot on.
People have picked up the ball and run with it on here adding drama and negativity to this work mate's intentions. I know it's more interesting...but it's not always helpful.

As previously mentioned, I go places alone too and I know how some people perceive it.

That's why my advice is to explain it to her kindly.

Yes it's disappointing when it's not as drama-fuelled as you'd like.
People are creating scenarios. The woman has been torn apart on this thread with no encouragement from the OP.

Now it's "I bet" from you.
Bet all you like. You weren't there.

Just tell her the truth or don’t and suck it up. There is no magical option that gets you your week to yourself without you having to tell her you don’t want to spend time with her. I am sorry you are in this position.

I’d go along the lines of telling ‘Angus’ that you’d love to see her while you’re volunteering but that the camper van is your retreat and you won’t be hosting in there, that it’s your time to decompress, telling her I’m sure she understands, that’s why even your DH and your DC stay at home. Tell her you’re glad she has a more robust tent this time and hope the weather stays warm.

*Agnus

Yikes!! How did that holiday pan out @StScholastica ? Sounds horrendous to me

She’s not one of those people who’s ’blithely unaware’ , she’s a piss taker good and proper. And has spotted you as an easy target to help ease the pressure of attending a festival as a single parent.
i know plenty of people like her. Always land on their feet.
you just have to be clear and firm at the beginning or put up with another experience like last year.
the child is being used to guilt trip you, sadly the child will have to learn a valuable lesson alongside their mum.

Or Agnus, please don’t take offence but the camper van is off limits, even DH & DC know that it’s my time to decompress hence leaving me be for a week. Happy to see you during my volunteering hours.

I think you have had some good advice and can’t really offer anything else. But this festival trip sounds incredible OP. I’m wildly jealous as an older woman myself with a wonderful but busy life - this would be bliss!
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’ll be looking at tickets for next year!

Yes, there are lots of activities and events for children and she took her daughter to some of them each day. They also went into town, walked down by the river, went out in the car sightseeing, went kayaking, went on guided walks, had picnics and various other things. But when they were back on the campsite, they'd check if I was in the van and if there was any sign of me they knocked and anticipated coming in for a chat and a drink. I'm sure they thought they were being friendly to a lonely older woman who was there on her own.

I swerved them a couple of times — grabbed my bag and coat and said I was just off to an event if I saw them coming. But they'd knock at around 8am to see if I had any spare hot water and then come in and wait while the kettle boiled and eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty. And often when I got back in the early afternoon they'd pop over for a chat to show me what they'd been doing in the morning, and the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm.

I really would not say that last year was horrible. Just that this year you will be busy with volunteering (taking on more duties) and talks and some writing project so won’t be around much.
then spend more time outside the van and have early nights.

This is really good. I'd go with that.

If you can't and you go with the death by a thousand cuts, one excuse for the babysitting is "sorry, I'm on a zoom chat to friends in Australia/ New York, time difference... it's always a problem to organise so no, can't rearrange and it's very old friends who we discuss really intimate stuff like our lovers and abortions and not suitable for a child to sit in the background"

To be fair, I shouldn’t have said your advice was poor - I think your suggestion that OP should state her boundaries clearly and firmly but pleasantly is exactly what she should be doing.

I do think you are unreasonably generous in your interpretation of the colleague’s mindset, and I strongly disagree that I have assumed the worse. There is a lot of room between what I suggested and a worst case scenario of the colleagues awareness of what she was doing.

But the great thing about your advice is that the colleague’s awareness of what she’s doing is somewhat irrelevant - it’s OP’s boundaries that are centered. And that’s what OP needs - to put her needs first and communicate them clearly.

I think that's a good response as well.
Although...pedantic bugbear of mine...it's 'unsociable' not 'anti-social' - the two terms have very different meanings.

See that's why there are only two options:

1. Change campsite.
2. Absolute honesty about wanting to be alone. Personally I'd change campsite because it would be easier.

Right so she is taking the piss - money and energy and planning skills to do lots of fun things everyday but turning up with a sad face child at mealtimes and never contributing to the pot. She might be a free spirit with no boundaries but you don’t have to play the game.

Examples - ‘Glad you had a nice day, I’m having a rest after my volunteering, see you tomorrow’. ‘Oh that’s great you have comedy tickets, I have tickets too this evening, see you tomorrow’.
‘I’m just popping out for a shower/ to get breakfast/ my morning walk, see you later’.

Or before you go ‘It’s great that you enjoy hay, I go to get time to myself. I can meet up with you to do x at y time but the rest of the time I want to be on my own so won’t be answering knocks on my door etc’.

You are either going to have to have an awkward conversation before you go or when you are there. I'd prefer to have it now, over text!

If you are in a school, I'd also rather do it now when I didn't have to see her for a week to two.

Something along the lines of

'X, I just wanted to let you know in advance that going to the festival is a bit of a retreat for me from the family-I like being in the van on my own and found last year overwhelming with visitors. Perhaps we can meet up for a coffee one day when there, but otherwise, I'll be using it as downtime just me and the van. I hope you understand.'

Send a text now rather than waiting for a conversation with someone who clearly sounds quite pushy and non-respectful of your time and feelings.

Once you have had the chat you could let her know that you’ll put a sign on the door to let them know if you are up for visits or not. Unless it’s a blanket ‘no’ of course.

BTW love this idea of going for a week on your own! I’m booking it.

It doesn't matter why this woman is doing this, whether or not she qualifies for the term CF, it's OP's needs and feelings that count here.

OP has managed to carve herself out a blissful week doing what's important to her and this needs to be preserved and at minimum cost to herself.

It's probably best to be honest, OP, and to be so now by letting this colleague know the motivations for your week at the festival and make it crystal clear that you aren't there alone because you're Billy No Mates who longs to entertain visitors in her camper van, but because it's your actual, positive choice.

"But they'd knock at around 8am to see if I had any spare hot water and then come in and wait while the kettle boiled and eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty. And often when I got back in the early afternoon they'd pop over for a chat to show me what they'd been doing in the morning, and the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm."

Knocking at 8am! - surely you could say you're not ready for visitors at that time / make it clear you don't need them there while you're getting ready to go out. They should be boiling their own kettle.
And don't have juice / squash on offer.

Ooh is it the Hay festival

I can absolutely see how this has happened if she’s a friendly and outgoing person who is used to being around people all the time.

A weeks holiday in my own would be my worst nightmare. I’m jealous that you can enjoy it! If I went to any event like that by myself it would be because none of my friends were interested and I still wanted to go, and I’d be quite lonely! Single mums are more aware of loneliness too so it’s probably that.

For that reason I don’t think some of the heavy handed responses on this thread are needed. You just need to gently say ‘actually I’d quite like some time to read this book I’ve just bought, are around tomorrow at x and we can grab a coffee on the way to y?’

Mumsnet has a way of encouraging people to torch relationships and stomp the embers under their feet in a way that just isn’t necessary in real life.

yup you're going to have to get tougher when she pushes through boundaries again.

Unpick what happened last year and think how you could have avoided "having to" offer/tolerate/wait until they decide to bugger off all on their own. You didn't have to offer to feed them both just because a 7 year old watched you boil some pasta. Her mother would have fed her. When I camp for 3 nights I never take 3x as much food as I need - I just wouldn't have it with me. You think that you are being needed when no, you are just being used. And the worst of it was they didn't even ask you, you offered. Maybe because you felt you had to, but next time resist this feeling. Y'know the thing in a sales negotiation where it's important to just be quiet and let the silence hang? That is what she has done to you over and over. It works until you decide you're going to stop falling for it.

Buying the comedy ticket and expecting you to babysit was way beyond being thick skinned. I think you should use that as a specific example and tell her you did not appreciate that and felt completely taken for granted. i know you'd rather not but it might actually get through to her that you are not a doormat.

This is a good response.

"Mumsnet has a way of encouraging people to torch relationships and stomp the embers under their feet in a way that just isn’t necessary in real life."

Doesn't it just...lol.
Easy advice to offer to a stranger.