Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Next time she taps on the van window, maybe just say you’ve possibly got a low grade virus, like noro, and that you need to rest you wouldn’t want her to catch it.

In think this is really poor advice. Last year, without discussing it, this woman bought a ticket to a gig and then told OP she had done so and asked her to babysit. At a festival. Having already imposed quite a bit, And without any reciprocation. That isn’t just extroverted and not very self aware. In fact it is probably quite self aware. She was chancing it. Seeing what she could get away with. No one thinks it’s really okay to ask a childless person you aren’t really good friends with to babysit in these circumstances.

I feel like she lacks boundaries and is taking your kind nature for granted.
I hope she picks up on you wanting solitude. It would really frustrate me that she would rely on you again when it gets too cold. I would never do that unless invited!! It sounds like absolute heaven where you’re going! I sincerely hope this year you get the trip you want.
please update us!

This is good. Be truthful, and say it before you go on your trip.

I think she was incredibly selfish last year! Good luck with her

That’s cool, you’re allowed to think it’s bad advice. Personally though I disagree with you. I think it’s fantastic advice.

i have no idea what this lady’s intentions are, and neither do you. But where we differ is that you assume the worst, whereas I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to show understanding. Which is fine, we’re allowed to be different. 🙂

I think if they relied on you for hot water and meals last year you need to suggest she buys a camping stove, can she book an electric pitch and bring a heater?
You could say something like “I think if you had your own stove that would be handy, I felt like I ended up doing a lot of cooking last year and normally I’m here for the break just pleasing myself, not having to cook for the family.” Then you’re being honest, putting a bit of context around it but also pointing out she needs to be self sufficient.x

You don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain your position (JADE is the acronym used for things to avoid!). You just need to say no in as clear and bland terms as possible as many times as is necessary and try to avoid engaging or entering into a discussion beyond your "no".

I would find this situation really horrible and awkward too, but it's saying "no" or putting up with this woman ruining your holiday (and very likely, the resentment you end up feeling causes a blow up later anyway).

"No - that doesn't work for me"

"No, I don't want to spend the week with you and your daughter, I am planning to spend the time by myself doing my own thing"

"I want to be clear with you: I have made other plans and will not be spending the week with you and your daughter"

And continue at the festival as needed. The more socially obtuse someone is the more blunt you have to be unfortunately.

While some of the more assertive responses are ideal, I would struggle with being that direct with someone I worked closely with.

I'd probably go with something a bit more casual, like 'Just a heads up not to include me in your plans this year. I've got quite a full-on schedule and a some things I want to get done in between my festival sessions. There's never time at home, so I'm going to be unapologetically anti-social while
I'm away, I'm afraid! Looking at my timetable, I'll probably be around between 2 and 4 on Wednesday if you fancy catching up then.'

If she's just a bit unaware, that should be enough. If she's more of a CF then it lays the foundations for declining her approaches at the festival itself. 'Oh sorry, I'm right in the middle of something. I did say I was going to be locking myself away! Still on for Wednesday?'

I think keeping the initial warning-off slightly lighter in tone gives you somewhere to go short of actual unpleasantness if there is pushback. Unpleasantness might ultimately be needed, but from the OP's take on this woman, something less blunt might work.

This sounds like me, I'm neurodiverse, so i often swap from seeming very social chatty and people person, to being happy and wanting time in my own company.

Sounds like your plan is solid- but, if you say a meal, she may see that as an offer to get them take away or make it for them.

Maybe suggest they buy some takeaway and bring it over one evening, and set the evening and day, this is the time I have free to socialise, the other times, I just want to be on my own, as I'm happiest like that. If you don't tell people you like your own company - they assume you don't.

People often offer me lifts when I prefer to walk- walking is when I sort my head out. And now I make it clear I'm CHOOSING to walk - people don't get it. It's part of being neurodiverse

Hello, I have been following your post and just saw it as a promoted/ad post on Facebook, I would be very surprised if your colleague hadn't seen this post by now 😬

You will need to talk to her before hand.

I suspect she doesn't know you go for quiet time.

I'd just be honest tell her last year was awful for you that you helped out but only because she was ill prepared for camping. This year you need your time to yourself. You'll happily meet her once for coffee but that's it. The rest of your spare time is for you to unwind. You'll see if she really is a cheery sort or a CF then. I suspect she's a CF who hides it by being cheery so she'll be huffy about it all...

This is good but I wouldn't even add the bit about coffee once or twice.

She's hugely cheeky , rude really. I think she doesn't care for you, foisting unwanted baby sitting on you, why are you bothered about her?

I'm cross on your behalf!!

I think that's quite fair only that this is not exactly an initial response. The colleague surely ignored a large number of softer hints and requests for space made by the OP on her trip last year. Only OP will know exactly how clearly she already communicated her feelings (and was ignored) last year.

That sounds like a lovely way to spend a week.I can see your problem with having to spend a lot of time with the colleague though. Some people aren't intuitive are they.
Are there any activities there specifically for parents and children? If so suggest she goes to some, she might make new friends to hang out with too.

She may be an extrovert and not understand your love of alone time. She may even feel sorry you and think "Poor woman's there all on her own. She must be so lonely! I'll keep her company."
You need to really spell it out how much you need some me time.

CFs?

What?! Omg!

I think she probably thinks it must be lonely for me, on my own at a festival. My guess is that she thinks she and her little girl are brightening the day of a sad older woman with no friends. I think she thinks she's the one being friendly and that 90 minutes babysitting while she saw a show was just something you do for friends.

Some people seem to have created a scenario in which my colleague and her DD were practically living in the camper with me last year and that I was expected to provide dinner every night. I didn't say that. But they did seem to assume that if I was in the camper it was okay to knock and come in for a bit, and they did tend to turn up around the time I'd be prepping dinner and 'help' me while they had a cup of hot chocolate. And when I'm just cooking pasta and throwing in some sauce, and there's a hungry little girl watching and her mum doesn't appear to have plans for their dinner...

They had a gas ring and a kettle, but standing waiting in the wind or drizzle for a kettle to boil isn't very pleasant. Much nicer to be in a warm van — particularly when you think that by being there you're cheering up a sad and lonely older woman who seems to have no friends.

Be honest but polite.
"I'm sorry Katie, meeting up at the festival this year just doesn't work for me, I'm really looking forward to my one week retreat and to just do as I please. Maybe we could meet up for coffee one day but please don't be relying on me for chat and babysitting".

We had something similar a few years back when a family from school decided they were coming on holiday to the same place as us. The mother had quizzed my DC re which Cornish campsite we were going to then rang the campsite to ensure she could have the pitch next next to us.

Keep it simple. In advance, "Just letting you know I won't be able to hang out this year. Let's compare notes when we're back at work afterwards".

If she approaches you during, "Hope you're having fun! I can't hang out today".

Not her business why. You could be having an affair, wrestling with a health diagnosis, having a religious experience or coming down off party drugs. Or reading a good book. Keep consistent - "Let's catch up when we're back at work".

Why do people advise transparent, silly lies to wriggle out of things?

Sorry @Toodaloo you're not the only poster who has suggested such. You must see that lying is no way to resolve things. Is she to have 'noro' for the entire week?

I'd be telling her that she might want to consider bringing one of her family or friends with her since she can't rely on your hospitality again this year. I'd just tell her that you value your time alone at Hay so much and use it to reset for the forthcoming year and intend to be a completely free agent this year. Nothing personal but thought I'd let you know know so you can make better arrangements for yourself!

I would see it as short term pain long term gain. One quick awkward awful conversation but you get your holiday back which is worth it.

Worse would be not saying anything then likely snapping at them on the trip. That’s lose / lose scenario

Ok I've just read your update and I'm out.
Posters were trying to help you. Now you are accusing them of "creating scenarios".
I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for your colleague! I bet you encouraged her to attend.