Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Can you make sure you are parked up with other vans and nowhere near tents? Put a sign on the door -' do not disturb ' this means you' point to it if she knocks.

Don't baby sit. If she dors it again, you say ' oh, I've already arranged something every evening' it doesn't matter if you have arranged to sit in your van alone and or on a chair outside, even if she sees you.

It's very rude of her to assume you'll babysit and buy a ticket beforehand.

Well, surprised if no one has suggested that you will be getting a very bad head ache every afternoon so need not to be disturbed.

You're going to need to be blunt. Look Sandra, this is my time to be on my own and unwind so I won't be able to spend any time with you as I prefer my own company. I'm sure you understand. Enjoy the festival.

If ‘Angus’ can’t understand that’s her problem.

someone up thread said something about your family and friends giving you space / not imposing. I’d use that and remind ‘Angus’ once if she approaches and then erect big boundaries around your space.

Enjoy and don’t feel guilty. It sounds like the perfect break (without Angus n 7 yo😘)

This is the only way, OP. Kill it dead in the water, no room for her to manipulate you, polite and you can stop dreading your much needed break. Tell her ASAP.

Say your week away is your down time and you need to be alone to save your sanity as your life is usually so busy and demanding. Be firm but pleasant and make sure she gets the message long before your trip then she can change her mind and go elsewhere.

Previous Poster's suggestion to post signs on all the windows of your van with "Working" brilliant. If they knock say you're working. NEVER let them in your van.

Is there one giving advice for responding to patronising comments on online forums? If so, I’m all ears.

While we’re recommending self-help books:

www.amazon.co.uk/Eats-Shoots-Leaves-Lynne-Truss/dp/0007329067

Thank you, I really appreciate the reply and this does make sense. What’s also spurring me on with addressing it is that I think it also causes problems for the people I do care about, because they sometimes end up adjacent to situations where I’m pleasing someone that doesn’t matter!

"Agnes, I'm all people'd out after volunteering all morning. I need the rest of the day to myself to re-set for tomorrow..."

Oh this is awkward. Is this really naive is it really difficult to find other non camping accomodation? If you enjoy this so much I would splash out and stay somewhere and break this chain otherwise she may still keep popping up. You can only be so blunt you do work together. Hope you get something sorted.

This so reminds me of a situation I've had. I found myself a nice hobby, it involved travelling to their events around the country. If you sign up to one of their events your name is put on an online list that anyone can see.

Now at one of these events I made friends with someone. But then this person started noticing my name on future venues and this person would sign up too so we could spend day together.

These events were my time to de-stress and I totally had that taken away from me.

As a result I don't go to anymore now.

Also putting money on the sad faced, quivering lipped child being sent over multiple times a day.

That brings back happy memories of PreviouslyonLost's thread about her urine-extracting neighbours. My goodness, was it really as far back as 2011.

'Tis a lesson to us all...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1282640--to-think-this-couple-are-extracting-the-urine

"I like being alone at the festival. I don't bring my family." Look her in the eye and wait. Don't fill any silence. She will get it. That's all you have to do.

I would still go with a happy heart, not worrying about this woman at all. If she comes knocking just say, “Bad timing, bye!” And she’ll get the message the second time if not the first.

If she asks you why you’re being short or shutting the door, just say, “Just have a lot going on - because I am volunteering, this is work for me. I don’t have time to socialise with you this week. See you later back at our workplace!”

Try not to put ‘sorry’ in any explanation. You don’t owe this woman anything.

This is by far the best suggestion for a message.

I think you will either have to take a deep breath, pull your big girl pants up and say you will not being spending time with her this year. Or move camp sites. Work out a sentence or 2 you can have ready if she tries to argue back. Actually make that when she argues back. You will need to be firm. "I'm re-charging the batteries so no I'm not available to spend any time with you, so please don't put me in a position where you expect that of me".

This woman is a cheeky fucker, please have no doubt about that. She forced herself and her DD on you for drinks, warming sessions and even meals. And to top it off she's bought the ticket before even asking you to babysit, let alone you agreeing to do so.

You’ve had a few good ideas for ways to set expectations now. I think it’s important to get in there asap so she has a chance adjust her expectations and prep for doing it on her own. I think you could probably do with also practicing a stock of phrases to use if she knocks on your van anyway. In case she’s either more oblivious than she ought to be or is in fact a CF who thinks she can work all over you. And given her getting a ticket to a gig and asking you to babysit last year, I think the CF bit is a bit more likely than you seem to.

Maybe starting off with a surprised “Oh I thought you’d understood - I really need this time to myself. I’ll see you back at school a week on Monday.” But also some much more direct ones that call her out if she tries to ignore your clear expression of desire to be left alone. Working up to something along the lines of - “No, I don’t want to babysit. It’s really cheeky of you to ask.”, “No, you can’t come in because it’s raining. This is pretty outrageous, Agnes. I’ve been clear I want to be left alone. I’m not your safety net and I’m not letting you ruin another festival for me.”

If you think she is not CF, then she would definitely understand if you explain her.

Send her a message now so you dont have to deal with it in the moment.
Say you go to this festival as to have some me time, and other than volunteering at the festival, want to spend time in the company of books. You find it meditative.
This is your once a year retreat to recharge your batteries (as you are an introvert- this js optional if you think she is worth explaining). Say you would love to meet her for drinks, coffee before / after this retreat.

You really need to put your foot down OP, I can just imagine it could be more demanding than last yr. Who would have the nerve to push themselves on you, and ask you to babysit when they have bought a ticket, unbelievable behaviour. If you don’t make a stand, this will happen every year.

I don’t think this lady sounds awful. She just sounds like an extrovert, together with not being very self aware. Personally I would sort it before frequently turning a 7 year old away, which (while not your responsibility) would possibly be quite confusing for them so not really the kindest thing to do.

I would have an honest conversation with the mum before you all go. Something like:’Sharon, I think you and daughter are great, and I’d love to meet for a coffee on one morning, but I can’t hang out with you for the whole week this year. I really need alone time and love having this week each year to just be by myself, read and potter with no interruptions’.

Rather than being passive aggressive, it’s nice to just politely state your needs and set the boundary. I would use chat gpt if stuck, and also text it if easier!

I’m one of those chatty people who loves company and I probably don’t have the best social skills (neurodiverse) but I still know the difference between enthusiastic socialising and polite tolerance. You need to tell her that you are really looking forwards to decompressing and time on your own if she violates that then tell her straight that you want time alone.

I’m shocked you hosted her ALL week and didn’t say a single thing and also babysat! As an introvert plus volunteering that would have killed me!

Tell her the truth, that you need a lot of downtime around volunteering to decompress and enjoy the week. Apologise for not saying anything last time. She’s going to feel shit and embarrassed when she realises what she thought was a nice week was her imposing on you. Saying something in the moment is always better than gritting your teeth and pleasing others.

Does your van have curtains? I'd be tempted to close the curtains so they can't see you're in. If they knock, appear at the door bleary eyed and say "Sorry, not now. I'm having a nap".
But actually it's ok to be honest abd explain this is your only weekend of me time all year and you need time alone. I think it's best to be upfront as she's obviously very insensitive.

Could you ask to stay in the opposite side of the pitch to them? Sorry, have never been camping or to a festival!