Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I agree with the above.

I know you think she's just cheery and outgoing but this is an absolute classic CF technique.
She presented you with a fait accompli last year... and now she's done the same again. Gone ahead and booked without saying anything whatsoever to you - so you had no chance to object but just had to go along with it.
She did the same with forcing you to babysit as she had already bought a ticket for a comedy show.
She's push, push, push and I'm sure you've put up excuses for why you don't want to do something and she's demolished them.. "oh I'll just pop round when you are not busy".
She knows she is doing this and she is deliberately exploiting you. (she may be telling herself that you could do with the company anyway and so its really a favour to you and so doesn't realise the impact its having on you)

"she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me."

Strange that she didn't say this to your face isn't it? Because that would have allowed you to say please don't rely on me or something that would have made it harder to "innocently" book again. And in addition to that, she's already set it up with your colleagues at work to imply "surely OP won't deny us hotwater, food and warmth..how will we survive." and she's said that to people she knew would tell you... thereby making it even harder for you to turn her down. Maybe this isn't even consciously done, but its how she operates.

I think people who've said you have to sort this out now before the trip are right. The main line being, that its your escape from your family and if you wanted company you've have brought them. You won't be hosting or babysitting this year. Making too many excuses allows them to pick holes in your reasoning and suggest solutions that work for them. So the clear because I don't want to line is often the only way, although i know its very hard and tbf I haven't always been able to go through with it.

It may feel rude being so forthright but what she is doing is absolutely rude and she's relying on your politeness and friendliness to do what she wants you to do. Often the only way to get CFs to back off is an outright refusal and yes, they will be hopping mad about it, but it's a choice of you being hopping mad or her.

Hi @Craquedechevalier I know you shouldn't have to, but would you consider buying a roll of frosted privacy film for the caravan windows? You can get it pretty cheaply, less than a tenne, for the amount you'd need to do all the windows. I have a static caravan and have used this on the front door so folk can't see in. Your break sounds lovely, hope you get it sorted.

Just tell her. Don’t pussyfoot around it and do t relay on your other colleague because she might mess up and say it doesn’t matter.

Be firm. Tell her what you’ve said here. It’s your holiday, your time and you don’t want to entertain her and her child or bloody babysit.

Tell her you’re glad she has a better tent, that she will be better prepared and not rely on you for food, tea or the loo.

Wise words, @Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast .

And may I add, having been on this journey, that learning assertive 'scripts' doesn't help, because people don't always respond how we've planned in our heads, darn 'em.

Don't agonise over a delicately crafted excuse - to pushy people, an excuse is just an opening of negotiations so they can wear you down. Start from a position of Hell, no, and let your responses be informed by that. You don't have to 'earn' what you want with the perfect justification.

I know, it's a life's work and needs practice and maybe a bit of age, but it really can be done. Think of the relief of setting the boundary now, compared to staying on tenterhooks in Hay!

And Hay is wonderful, isn't it?! Enjoy your trip!

This is a lovely way of saying No way!
OP, dont make up excuses, you need to be very clear to people like this. Fingers crossed for you!

God I love my own space, so a work colleague repeatedly turning up on my week off would pee me right off. Fair enough it’s a free country, she can go where she wants, but she should have the correct equipment for all weathers if she’s camping with her kid, not rocking up at your camper all the time! Plus not even contributing to food when you’ve been hospitable all week, isn't on. She knows what she’s doing, going again, thinking her, and her kid, will be straight in when they are a bit cold, or hungry. A couple of meet ups for a coffees, away from your van, are more than enough. You need to be assertive now OP, and be quite firm, as lovely as you say she is, she won’t get how you feel, unless you spell it out, by the sounds of it. Are you pitching your van in exactly the same spot as last year? Can you move to a different corner of the same campsite, and if you did, would you be easy to find?

1, What's the betting Agnes will tell the OP how disappointed and upset her DD will be not to be able to meet up at Hay - how can you upset a dear little child

2, The DD will be sent to the camper van as the advance party every day, sad little face, quivering lip, eyes brimming with tears - I'm so cold, hungry, etc

CFs always know how to play this game

I would be tempted to pop in to her house any evening or at the weekend next few weeks, leave your (or borrowed) dog for her to look after 'because you have booked smth else), 'just because you saw she was in', to turn the table around

@WoollyRosebud - this!

CFs have incredibly thick skins and will use children and small animals to get their way.

OP, you may need to swap your van for another or disguise it in some way.

It's really awful for you to be put in this position.
It's awkward but I think honesty is the best policy here.
"I really don't want to offend you but..."
It'll be worth it to save your sanity!

I hate confrontation, I think I would tell her you are thinking of writing a book and are really looking forward to a week of quiet time to work on some ideas which is why you have come away on your own so it's going to be a bit tricky this year to meet up like last x

I'm so jealous OP! I've always wanted to go to Hay. (Misses point of thread)

Haven’t read the whole thread, but I really feel for you. That kind of exhausting burning dread / disappointment stress you will experience in the lead up and while you’re there. I think the only way to do it is to bite the bullet and send a message saying something like

”Hi Colleague, so nice that you and your daughter are going to Festival again! I want to say something which I hope doesn’t come across as too rude, and it is certainly not personal, however I need to let you know, so we are on the same page. This festival week is my only ’me-time’ that I get really, and I need to use the time to recharge my batteries, and get some rest and relaxation, and just enjoy being away from too many schedules and commitments. So I won’t be available for socialising as we did last year. It will be lovely to meet you and your daughter for lunch one of the days, but given how busy this year has been, I need to prioritise my health and be a bit of a lone wolf for the rest of the time I’m there. I realise this probably sounds very unsociable, but please know it’s nothing personal, I’d say the same to anyone! Really glad I felt able to say this to you, and look forward to fixing a lunch date a little nearer the time.”

I know people often say not to sugarcoat or apologise, but in real life it’s not always that simple. Something ’kind but firm’ is more likely to work i think.

Hope it goes well for you.

She said she's bought a better tent, so you could also bring that up. So good to hear you've invested in proper camping gear, as I'm sure you and your dc will have a lovely time together now you have everything you need to manage on your own. It's particularly good to know you're fully prepared this time as, apart from my volunteering duties I'll be using all my spare time for relaxation. I really need this break for some alone time. I'm so lucky my dh and kids understand I need my space so let me have this time for myself, and I can shut the world out. It's lovely to just be a hermit for a while.

Just be honest and don't give excuses.
I hope you have everything you need this year as I won't be able to provide shelter or hot water, I have plans every day and am looking forward to my down time to spend alone chilling.

Can't be more clear. There's no room for negotiation.

If she says she's bought a ticket for something, "that's a shame, you should have asked, as I already have plans that night".

If she tries to pop in "sorry, I'm just about to go out /to bed / expecting a call. As I said, I am not available to meet up sorry".

"tonight is my night off for spending alone and recharging and I am really looking forward to seeing no one and talking to no one. I hope you enjoy your evening."

Etc. Come up with lines now and memorise them.

I cannot get over the brass neck or sheer obliviousness of people.

It may be hard, and you’ll have to steel yourself, but I think you need to say “I can’t hang around with you or babysit, I’m there to do my own thing, volunteer and have it as a break from home. Happy to see you around but the van is my retreat and I may not be around to socialise much”.

Then, book tickets to everything you want to go to and avoid her as much as possible while you’re there. Don’t pitch your van in the same area you did last year. She’ll get the message.

I can’t get over the nerve of some people.

Whatever the angle you need to say something before the date. Then if she still turns up you say, “We had this convo Beryl. If I wanted company I could have bought H or one of my own dcs.
i love my own company, Im not lonely.
I’m doing some writing/reading/sleeping/going out. So No you can’t come & squat my van because you’re cold. You knew there was a chance of this.
See you at work next week.

She probably has no idea at all that you feel like this. She seems like a nice person amd completely oblivious.
Can you have a casual chat with her about the festival and say something like 'I wanted to check in with you as I know you struggled last year with the cold, I wanted to say that I have a pretty packed schedule with the volunteering this year so wont be around as much as last year, plus I am working on (a book, a project etc) but do you want to arrange a time to meet up now so we dont miss each other, say Tuesday for lunch? As all other times I am going to be either sleeping or doing stuff?'

Tell her that you have been doing this volunteering holiday for many years specifically to decompress and have time to yourself to do some things that you enjoy. And that a major part of this experience is that you spend all of your downtime alone. Emphasise that you have been doing this for years and that you don’t want to change the dynamic

hmmmm.. I have personally spent a lot of time and money in therapy only to basically learn that if you don’t communicate your needs/wishes very clearly, without any fluff or room for misinterpretation then you can’t complain. People aren’t mind readers and some people (like this person by the sounds of it) don’t take hints, don’t take social queues etc etc. We expect people to and loathe
them when they don’t, but the truth remains. ISoooo as you say, a polite exit is needed. Maybe just be honest ‘argh I hate to be a kill joy but the truth is I use that time to escape and do my own thing.. I hope you understand.. it’s absolutely nothing personal’. Or something like that? It will be uncomfortable but worthwhile. I would be livid if they did that on my week away.

I think you need to make sure the words "You can't use the van" are in there somewhere.

Else you can expect her response to "I don't want to socialise" to be a cheery, "Oh you won't even know we're there! We can just let ourselves in and out!"

And let's face it, it's really the van she's after. Oh, and a babysitter.

Perhaps you start to care for, say a housefly about a week before the event. It will doubtless die before the event. Now you can tell her you have had a recent loss and so need time to reflect and sorry, but won’t now be able to help her out this year like last. If she hovers around just say that having to talk about it is unsettling so you are sorry, but you need to go. Then go into your van and lock the door. Never give them more than 5 minutes at one encounter. When in the van wear headset so you don’t feel guilty if you can’t hear them.
As a single parent you know you are on your own and HAVE to be self sufficient, there’s no way you put your child in a position where you rely on others. She is a CF of the highest order. Hats off to her but don’t be taken in again

Just say something like "Jane I just wanted to mention that I like to do my own thing at the festival. It's a week that I really look forward to and I have my arrangements down to a fine art, so it won't be possible to arrange to meet while we're there. I'm sure you'll have your own plans for your time there and now that you have been yourself, you'll know all the equipment and little extras that make the trip work for you. I hope you both enjoy it."

If you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why? It's her job to choose how she and her daughter make their trip work, not yours. You have to practice saying no. It gets easier.

I wouldn’t make excuses or offer any compromises
“ I’m just giving you the heads up that I plan to spend my spare time alone this year so I won’t be socialising . I really value my down time in solitude and it’s actually why I go alone.
Hope you & DD have a lovely time and look forward to hearing all about your holiday when we get back to work”.