Page 14 | Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

Noodles1234 · 05/04/2025 18:39

Just laugh and say “gosh no way it’s my me time! I am sure I will see you around, you make sure you have some fun”.

And make sure if she asks you to babysit say you can’t as you’re off out. Be blunt.

xsammi · 05/04/2025 18:44

She didn't just spend time with you. She left her child with you without asking in advance.

You need to be really blunt with that type of person!

LittleBigHead · 05/04/2025 18:47

MyRamona · 05/04/2025 17:46

It sounds like you overcame that, I’d love to know how you did that, asking for a friend 😆

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Yes, me too ....

StartAnew · 05/04/2025 18:51

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 14:09

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

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I'm all for telling Agnes with Jane as backup.
I'd suggest a tweak though: if you tell the exact truth, Agnes may feel awful about the amount of your time she helped herself to last year. You might say instead:
I was glad to help you out last year and get to know little Beatrice. But this year I've got a lot of reading and writing and catching up to do, as well as some work, so I won't be available that much. But lets be sure to get together a couple of times. How about we meet for lunch on the Wednesday and also go to the children's event on the Friday, I know Beatrice enjoyed that last year?

Northerngirl821 · 05/04/2025 18:57

You just need to be more assertive when they come knocking at the van.

“Sorry now’s not a good time, I’m expecting a phone call… I’m about to have a nap… I want to finish this book before the session tomorrow… I’ve got some volunteering paperwork to finish… I haven’t had time to get the shop so don’t have drinks/food to spare… I can’t babysit as I already have plans… I’m on holiday so want a bit of quiet time.”

Polite but firm and repeat EVERY time without exception. Eventually she’ll get the hint and give up.

MikeRafone · 05/04/2025 18:58

How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me

I can understand you wanting to go to the event its wonderful, do remember though this is my week away from my family - I leave them at home for a reason. Just be aware that I will not be babysitting - so don't book anything you can't attend with your daughter in toe and do realise that I will be busy doing my own stuff and that is why my own family aren't with me

gettingolderbutcooler · 05/04/2025 19:01

OMFG. 😩. Use your words.
Ironic that it’s a literary festival.

MikeRafone · 05/04/2025 19:03

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

This woman isn't your responsibility, she happens to be at the same event and trying to crash you camper van

FeatherDawn · 05/04/2025 19:07

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 14:09

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

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Really?
You just thank her for the offer of company but its a no because you prefer to be alone.
You TELL her , not pussyfoot around, hoping

Onthemaintrunkline · 05/04/2025 19:08

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Let’s face it whichever way you handle this it’s going to be difficult and cause offense. You are in an awful position, made worse by the fact you work with this woman. I can’t offer any solution I’m sorry. And there’s the resentment felt at not getting ‘your’ week.

The suggestion of moving to another site in the camp, but suspect you will be found! Utterly frustrating.

prelovedusername · 05/04/2025 19:13

If you can be bothered (no reason why you should), could you find some family friendly activities to recommend? Then email her the links with a cheery message along the lines of “I thought you might like to take DD to some of these. I’m planning to spend my week in splendid isolation with a heap of books when I’m not on volunteering duties so you probably won’t see much of me but there will be loads of other families around, hope you both have a great time!”

MarginalScribbling · 05/04/2025 19:17

Good luck OP, I’m also a long-time Hay festival goer, but this year have DP, DC and DM with me. I’ll be looking at all the volunteers wondering who has successfully dodged Agnes 😉

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/04/2025 19:18

OP needs to be an adult. Tell colleague, You'll have to forgive me, but this trip is for me to volunteer and spend time on my own. I've been looking forward to this all year.
The suggestions for OP to assist the colleague in finding activities to do, negotiating spending some time together and the childish idea to get a colleague involved in getting the message across are ridiculous.
Christ on a bike. Being straightforward, not rude, isn't that difficult.

Bikergran · 05/04/2025 19:18

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Firstly, though this may be awkward, say to colleague that you actually want to be alone when you're not busy at the Festival, that this has always been your only opportunity for solitude, which you value. That gives her time to decide if she really wants to go if there's no warm van to retreat to. Make a "Do not disturb under ANY circumstances" sign for your van door. Pray she gets the message.

Mistunza · 05/04/2025 19:23

I think you need to think of it as a multi prong attack. Have the difficult conversation, fine. But also next time she tells someone how she relied on you, or says in the van that she will pop back later, don't just politely let that land with no word. Silence implies consent. You do need to be prepared to keep saying no.

Find some words that work for you and keep saying them.

Kiwi83 · 05/04/2025 19:23

Bigblubird · 05/04/2025 11:54

That's awful of her. Can you change your campsite to get a bit of distance from her?

Even if you're in different campsites she will try to spend time in your van, so I suggest white lies - you have a headache, you have a family zoom dinner, you're exhautsed with your volunteering so you're about to have a nap.

As you work together, and she is a CF, I think it could misfire if you flat out say you don't want to spend time with her, as she'll be pissed off and may cause issues in work.

If she asks you to babysit again, I think you could tell her that you're volunteering so can't- if she's pushy enough to ask you what your schedule is, you could tell her that you're on 'on-call' to fill in for sessions which are understaffed.

Hopefully she gets the message, and you can limit your interactions to a couple of cups of coffee.

It sounds like a fantastic way to spend a week, I hope you can avoid her and enjoy it this year.

Oh god this is hard work, just say NO, you don't need to give any explanation why 🤷‍♀️

prelovedusername · 05/04/2025 19:26

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/04/2025 19:18

OP needs to be an adult. Tell colleague, You'll have to forgive me, but this trip is for me to volunteer and spend time on my own. I've been looking forward to this all year.
The suggestions for OP to assist the colleague in finding activities to do, negotiating spending some time together and the childish idea to get a colleague involved in getting the message across are ridiculous.
Christ on a bike. Being straightforward, not rude, isn't that difficult.

Edited

Of course the best thing is to be direct but not everyone finds it easy to be so assertive. And this is someone she’ll have to see at work afterwards.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/04/2025 19:32

prelovedusername · 05/04/2025 19:26

Of course the best thing is to be direct but not everyone finds it easy to be so assertive. And this is someone she’ll have to see at work afterwards.

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Then she's fucked, I guess. 🙄

Topsyturvy78 · 05/04/2025 19:32

Did you ask her if it will be at your expense again? Some people are just CF's.

FalseSpring · 05/04/2025 19:32

My suggestion (and apologies if this has already been suggested but not RTFT) is that perhaps you could introduce her to a few other people at the festival that might welcome some company. Maybe someone with a child of a similar age?

Almahart · 05/04/2025 19:41

OP she really is a cheeky fucker not a cheery extrovert. Who invites themselves round and then doesn't reciprocate with a takeaway/ pastry/whatever from their day out. And that's before the babysitting. You really must not feel guilty at all for telling her that it's not going to be the same this year, and tell her now so that she really knows what the situation will be

WoollyRosebud · 05/04/2025 19:43

Noodles1234 · 05/04/2025 18:39

Just laugh and say “gosh no way it’s my me time! I am sure I will see you around, you make sure you have some fun”.

And make sure if she asks you to babysit say you can’t as you’re off out. Be blunt.

This is by far the best suggestion. Clear, to the point, no room for misunderstanding

RuddyLongCovid · 05/04/2025 19:45

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Your week away sounds amazing! 😍

PoppyRoseBucky · 05/04/2025 19:51

You're better off being direct with her.

Whatever you do-do not make excuses.

Excuses give people like this room to wiggle about in and try and force you into changing your plans to accommodate them. If you say you're busy, she'll look to find a time you're not busy-and you'll spend the whole week, worrying that she's going to show up when she thinks it's "suitable" by her estimations.

There is no real way to just directly say no and ensure you keep the "peace." Some people really despise being told no-and that's just the way of it. So, you have to make your peace with the fact that she may react poorly if you want a hope in hell's chance of avoiding a repeat of last year.

TLDR: direct, clear communication "That doesn't work for me, this week is my week alone to recharge and catch up on some reading etc. Hope you both have a great time and I'll see you when we get back to work." Accept that her reaction is on her.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/04/2025 19:56

Aww, you sound so lovely op. I get that for nice people like you it's hard to be assertive but you really have to tell her that you will be too busy,
ME time is so precious 😍
I like the suggestion of going out for dinner sometime.
💐