Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Same. I'm an extrovert but know social norms.

I would book in meet ups with her before ye go. Have a conversation where you say before we go let’s firm up the plan.
l’ll meet for coffee on Monday morning (neutral place) and dinner on Wed evening in a local eatery.

Tell her you’re busy outside of those times.

@Wiseplumant did say that outgoing extroverts sometimes need to be told not everyone is like them, @saltinesandcoffeecups - she didn’t say all extroverts do.

I wouldn’t say I hope you understand. It is a question that invites a response, and also implies you need to explain your reasoning to her. You don’t, and it matters not whether she gets it or not.

As I said polite but direct. Make it absolutely clear you are doing your own thing and are not available for hot drinks, chat or babysitting ( babysitting requests foist upon folk after arrangements made are way into CF territory. I stand by this. ). Do this know, and repeat if necessary when there as I suspect she is used to getting her own way, share did last year.

Send this. its to the point but not nasty

@Craquedechevalier

I knew it was Hay! misses point

Firm, direct, truthful and in advance is the way to
go here.

Could you say something like this to her

”I wanted to have a chat before Hay to avoid any mismatch of expectations this year.

I have many friends who would love to come with me to the festival every year but that’s not the kind of holiday I want when I’m attending Hays. I really welcome the solitude and the chance to catch up on reading, do my volunteering and to catch up with some old friends and volunteers who I only see once a year at the festival.

i wanted to mention this to you well in advance as I didn’t want you to think I was being unfriendly or that I don’t like you or your child but I really won’t have any time to socialise with either of you this year nor am I available to do any babysitting or childcare for you as I -already have my own plans for the week. My sense is that you would prefer a much more convivial break and the festival is truly a great place to meet new and like minded friends or if you’d prefer to spend time with someone you know and share some childcare I wanted to give you a chance to invite someone to come with you”

This is a good idea - do it sooner rather than later so she can plan. Might want to add you’ll not be able to help with hot meals or water like last time.

I think the saying no responses are valid - but if you feel guilty, or a softer way might be to do the "me time" but offer a compromise of meeting up one evening - to eat out /share a takeaway - let her know in advance and agree which evening.

I agree that being extrovert and not understanding social norms can be mutually exclusive.

I have known someone for over ten years for whom the Hay festival is a very valued event for them, and I would never think of interfering in any way of their time there.

I don't know if that would ever happen, but can you suggest that you have to be careful about how you socialise in free time at the festival? Seem to be professional at all times? Claim that you don't want in any way to risk not being allowed to volunteer in future years?

It sounds like you overcame that, I’d love to know how you did that, asking for a friend 😆

What you’ve just described is the virtual definition of CF …

@MyRamona have you tried being assertive looking in a mirror? Maybe start small. It's easy once you get used to it. You'll feel stronger and free.
I've never really had trouble saying no but I know plenty who do.

I think she has a real nerve, turning up on your holiday without any warning. Why would she think you would want to spend a week with her daughter - or her, for that matter?

I'd be so annoyed that I wouldn't care about upsetting her, tbh. She needs to be told!

I also wouldn't worry about her reading this thread. Because the internet has just outed her as quite the prick...so she'd be quite stupid to bring it up now she knows how 99% of people view her conduct.

If you are reading, hopefully lesson learned eh.

I don't want to hijack the thread but basically trying to please everyone blew up massively in my face and as a result of that i realised a few things.

the reality of people being cross with me was not actually a big deal, the fear of it was worse. My mind made it worse! When it came to it, it was fine.

People don't actually appreciate or respect a doormat. They hold you in contempt and laugh at you. They see niceness as weakness. you justify your conflict avoidance with terms like the moral highground and being the bigger person but the only one who sees it that way is you. They see someone they can use.

then you realise that you owe nothing to people who don't give a shit about you and suddenly you no longer give a fuck if someone sulks or snipes or huffs or jabs at you not doing what they want, because they just don't matter.

It's a process. But it also includes your very own fuck this shit moment of clarity.

Not sure how you'd broach the subject, but maybe if you can get the conversation around to talking about the festival, drop in subtle hints like:

'As you've already done it once, you know what to expect, hope you and your daughter have got lots planned'

'I really love going - I love having the week all to myself to chill and unwind'

'Just to warn you, I've got a busy schedule so I won't be able to host this year but I'm sure you've got lots planned now you know what it's like'

'We'll have to arrange to meet for coffee one of the days, not sure when yet though, I'll have to check my rota and let you know'

'You could really do with a trip to The Range, they have some great camping stuff- kettle, cooking hobs.'

'Don't forget to pack for all weathers, it can get chilly in the tent, remember'

Hopefully, she'll get the hint. Good luck.

@MyRamona maybe get a self help book ?

Exactly right

I think you need to manage her expectations before the festival, to hopefully avoid any awkward encounters at the time when it’s supposed to be a relaxing break for you.
Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them.
Something like

’I’m happy to meet up for coffee on one of the days (or whatever you would be comfortable with, if that’s nothing then leave this part out!) but I’ve signed up for a lot of volunteering duties this year and I have a lot of work I absolutely need to get done as well. I’ve also had a stressful few months and really was hoping that in between volunteering and work I could just have some time to myself. I hope you understand’.

Then if they turn up uninvited either just don’t answer the door or if you are caught out, have your excuses ready. These will hopefully go over easier if you’ve primed her beforehand! If you care about the friendship it probably would help if you agreed to one or two meet ups away from the van on your terms. If not then don’t feel you need to.

So your week volunteering is a rare chance for you to get some alone time so you can work hard at volunteering and have the mental space to attend talks/discussions and really absorb yourself in the literary atmosphere. And it’s your favourite week, all that space to reflect on your busy year just gone and the one ahead of you.

Does that sound a good way to talk about it?

And don’t be afraid of saying no, be firm and kind. Don’t leave space for any ‘we’ll just this once’ or ‘maybe’ or anything like that. Your whole week is full already, either volunteering, listening, or reflecting. That’s it. And be firm even if it rains. It’s Wales. Obviously it rains, everyone knows that and should be prepared for it.

I like your plan of talking to her early and getting it reinforced through the mutual friend

A couple of other defense mechanisms for once you are on site.

tinted window film means people can see in and you can still see out/get day light. Maybe you could add that on a couple of strategic windows once you arrive

get a hanging sign for the van door knob that says “busy reading and sleeping, please dont disturb”

put a windbreak thingy around the door area, so she simply cant get to it to knock

Don't make excuses, just be honest. "Just to give you the heads up, I live for this week to be on my own without DH, DC and work noise in my head. And truthfully I didn't find it the same experience last year as I really find it hard to share my personal space. It's nothing personal about you, it's me and my need to escape my own life for one week of the year. So while I'm happy to meet up sometimes and have a coffee/snack together, I won't be sharing my van as it's very much my respite. I'm sure you'll enjoy your own experience better too if you're more prepared this time. Isn't it fun to look forward to".

Grow a backbone, got I hate English people sometimes.

You do need to put your big girl knickers on and have that difficult conversation.
maybe come up with a plan so she knows expectations before you go

lets Get together on say Wednesday and she can drive you all somewhere for a meal.

then the rest of the time I need to relax and be kid free. Thanks