Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Unfortunately, some people can't accept that anyone is quite happy to be on their own. I used to have a work colleague who used to tag along every lunchtime when I'd much rather have some time alone. I think you just have to be blunt. Say you'll be too busy or too exhausted and that you won't be able to 'hang out' with her. And keep repeating that until she gets the message.

I think she is a CF though. She imposed on you and took advantage, and now she's assuming you'll do the same again. You need to be more assertive and stop trying to be polite.

You need to be so much more direct with your colleague, and do it now, not wait until the event.

"Agnes, I've been a volunteer at this event for years, and for the past 15 years I've been attending on my own. It is my sanctuary and space. I found last year challenging because I didn't get that space. I don't want to spend that much time with any other people (not just you), I can't do that again. I'm happy to meet up on Saturday morning for coffee at X or Y, and on Monday evening for a pizza at Z. The rest of the time I need to be on my own, or volunteering, or spending time with other different friends."

She may not be a CF but she is a freeloader of your time, food and drinks......so unload her. Be busy, look busy... pick up anything that makes you look busy. Minimal friendly time assisting, helping, listening ....not even a smile as that encourages them to tag along.

I'd say "I'm sorry Jane, I know that you enjoyed our getting together last year, but the reason I do the volunteering, is that it gives me an opportunity to spend time on my own, read my books, and recharge my batteries, which is why none of the family come with me, so I'm afraid you'll have to count me out this year".

It's simple, truthful, and direct, so if she gets the hump, that's her tough luck.

There are some good suggestions here, but there's no need for the OP to say "I'm sorry but" or "apologies". She has nothing to apologise for.

She absolutely is a CF.

CFs home in on people like the OP who seem to have an inability to say no.

Youll need to grow a backbone and use some of the statements suggested here. I prefer the ones explaining you didn’t enjoy last year either and don’t want to repeat it.

I’d ring the festival and ask to move campsites …
Tell her you’ll arrange a time to have a cuppa. Don’t tell her where you’re camping. Make contact toward the end of the week for the cuppa and keep it brief.

Honesty is send something today or she’ll be getting tickets for this and assuming you will look after her child.

This will be stressing you out, get it over with today.

Perhaps proactively say, hey I have a few plans this year so shall we say we will catch up on Wednesday at 2 before I go off for dinner with a friend at 5? That way you’re more in control. Shut the curtains and ignore the door - pretends you were asleep. If she asks you to babysit say ohh I’m sorry I’m feeling rough need to sleep, or oh sorry I’m off out also! Have your reasons ready. Otherwise she will be there every year . Tell her your kids are hoping to come up at some point or something.

The fact that you aren't even going with your own family should be proof enough that you want to be alone. Sounds like heaven, by the way. Hope you get sorted.

I think you’re going to have to be very blunt and get your message across ASAP otherwise you will have a repeat of last year! Hope you manage to have a good time and some well deserved me-time.

You remind me - I once knew an artist who'd got a residency on a remote island - cottage of her own to work in, beautiful views, beautiful light - peace and quiet for a couple of months.

A week before she left, her husband said 'Surprise, darling! I've swung it with my boss that I can work remotely for the next two months, so I can come with you!'

They are now divorced.

Yes this,
And Id also be really, really specific about it being one meal and the rest of the time being needed for your own time. Not coming to your van. This is your one bit of headspace and down time in the year. It isn't unkind to have boundaries, but for her to understand yours, after last year I think you're going to need to be very clear and very boundaried if they turn up.
I hope it's good weather. Do you have a camping stove they could borrow for hot water so she's not using this as an excuse to come to you?

I think sometimes out going extroverts need to be told politely but plainly that not everyone is like them. Explain to her that this is your time to recharge your batteries on your terms. This would drive me mad and I would rather be rude than forego my peace

Tell her that you are glad she's better prepared for camping this time around now she knows what it is like.

I agree, she might think that she's doing you a favour, that you are lonely because you're there alone, she might be thinking 'poor you' because DH doesn't come with you.

Explain that volunteering leaves you a bit 'peopled out' and that you love having the rest of the time to yourself to read and relax then invite her to a meal at yours on the last night of the festival... that helps make it clear that you aren't planning on hosting her before then!

Get a 'gone fishing' or 'do not disturb' sign for your door.

No she doesn't have to apologise. Makes them think you're weak.

I would contact her asap and let her know where you stand so that there is no hint of confusion when the CF tries to hand over child care duties to you on your trip!

Something like:

Hi CF

"I hope you're doing well! I heard you’ve rebooked the same festival this year, I'm glad you and child had a good time last year. For me, though, that trip is really something I do to recharge with much needed quiet time, and I’m planning to keep it very low-key and solo again this year.

I’ll be keeping mostly to myself and am not planning to meet up or hang out during the trip, as I really need that space to unwind. I also won’t be available to help with childcare or anything like that. I hope you understand. Just wanted to give you a heads up early so that you can plan your activities with this in mind."

I am someone who attends festivals like this alone for some me time and would absolutely hate anyone, especially from work!, invading my space. Nip it in the bud now OP before it becomes an annual thing for her too.

Thinking about this some more @Craquedechevalier

There've been so many good suggestions, but a lot of them require you to adjust or alter your behaviour eg shut your van door, look like you're asleep. I hope you'll be able to carry on just as you normally would, without having your colleague pestering you all the time.

I know if it were me, I'd be adjusting my behaviour and creeping around to avoid her, all the time getting more and more annoyed with her, while feeling mean in doing so.

So I hope you find a way to impress upon her that you don't want her company. And so that you can sit outside (if there's glorious sunshine) without feeling harassed.

You say that you don't think she's a CF, just a cheery person who thinks people like spending time with her and her child. But she can be both.

Last time she came to the festival, she would bother you constantly to stay with you in the camper and have you make her hot drinks, as well as asking you to babysit her child. But although you know she went out for takeout with her child, she never brought one back for you, nor did she do anything to reciprocate for the help and support she expected from you. That was CF behavior on her part - being a taker and not making even a small effort to acknowledge or appreciate what one is being given, let alone to give anything in reciprocation.

My suspicion is that her close family and the extensive support they have given her, have fostered in her the expectation that she is entitled to a lot of help and support from others, and that she has no obligation to reciprocate that help. That might make sense within her own family, because since she and her child are their relatives, they have an interest in helping her. But it makes no sense outside of her family. You have no obligation to help her and it's wrong for her to take from you without any acknowledgement that she's doing so.

I can imagine that it's awkward to tell someone that they are inconveniencing you when they expect you to house and entertain them and their small child for a week, but it's also obvious. If she had any self-awareness or sense of normal boundaries, she would already know that hosting her and her daughter in your camper for a week is not fun for you, and that entertaining a 7 year old (and babysitting!) is work.

You just need a way to phrase this that isn't mean. I think you need to tell her something or else your wonderful week of rest is going to become the sort of vacation from which you return more tired than when you left. Maybe something like, "Barbara, I understand you really enjoyed Hays last year but to be honest I found it really tiring to have guests in my camper. I need the week to recharge and I'm unable to host you again this year. Also, I won't be able to babysit Amanda."

It's not your issue or problem if she does meet another parent or noit.

You really need to tougherln. Up and be honest. And firm. So what if she falls out with you.

Part of growing up is learning to say no and put your needs first. It's not selfish it's self preservation

Please don’t lump extroverts in with socially clueless people. Some of us do have manners and understand social norms.

#notallextrovertsaresocialbafoons 😜

“Yes if we bump into each other occasionally but just to warn you I’m treating the week as my Retreat from Real Life week so probably won’t be sociable. Nothing personal, obviously, I just like to listen, read and retreat”

I was once trying to manage expectations with my MIL and said cheerily 'Thing is, I like my own space because I'm an introvert,' and she protested 'Aww, no, don't say that, you're not!' as if I was running myself down...

😄

I would be honest with her, mention that it's your down time.That you sometimes work remotely! It's your own time as a volunteer & need time to yourself, in your van in your own personal space.Why do people think if you are on your own, you want company? Apart from the fact that this work colleague sounds manipulative!