Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I think you need to say no in advance OP - don’t be leave it until you’re there. Just say you enjoyed spending time with her last year but this is your one week alone and you are going for some me time.

I came to say this! Buying tickets and then "asking" /commandeering you to babysit is not being a cheerful outgoing person, it's total CFery!

Just say that you are looking forward to time alone and that you really don't want company. Don't have one meal with her and don't have a couple of coffees, all that just invites her. She knows she is taking the piss and is using you. Just Say no!

She's one of those chatty, apparently uncomplicated people who likes being with other people and probably assumes that they are as happy in her company as she is in theirs. As I learned last year, she comes from a large close family who help each other out a lot: her sister and parents help with childcare if necessary I think this is going to be your issue. I don’t think she’s going to understand the concept of anyone actively choosing to spend time on their own. Give it another week or two and it will develop into you holidaying together, driving up in convoy and her pitching up right next to you.

I think that it might be an idea to start the conversation off slightly differently. Maybe tell her that you’re surprised she’s booked again as you didn’t think she’d enjoyed it last time, but that you’re glad she’s prepared for this year because you’ve got your volunteering sessions sorted and the rest of the time, you’re going to indulge your inner introvert by burying your head in a pile of books and not talking to another soul all week. You look forward to that silence all year and you treasure it. Although you could meet up for a quick coffee at some point during the week if she likes? Ask her if she’s bringing a friend or her sister with her this year to help her with babysitting so she can go to the odd comedy gig? Set her expectations. And then if she says ‘oh, but I thought… then you can tell her to forget about what she thought because you’re not going to have a second holiday ruined by her (although the way you worded it was probably better).

I’d also be inclined to laminate a sign to go on your van door saying ‘Go Away, I’m reading’. And if she knocks, stand in the doorway, don’t ask her in and say ‘sorry colleague, I did explain I’m not up for socialising this week, I’ll let you go because I’m in the middle of a good bit and I don’t want to lose my thread’. And make sure you say that before she comes up with a reason she needs your help.

I would ask her WHY she thought a repeat of last year was a good idea, She told everyone you saved them from having a shit cold time.
It doesn't really sound suitable for her child anyway.
You allowed them to invade your private space because you are a polite decent person.
However you go away on your own because you want to be alone.
You do not want her squatting your van every time its cold or raining, you wont be babysitting. & for the record, she didn't even bring you a biscuit.
You will not be available, she really spoiled your precious break last year.
its not personal, but there was never an invite.
If you cant say this. Change camp site & dont tell her

I’d tell her that you book this trip to get some valued time away by yourself and that, as she is a colleague, it is too much like being at work and you want that space. She’s clearly thick skinned and will impose herself without thinking for a second if she’s welcome.

You nailed your problem and why she tries it on in your OP:

She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no

That isn't someone just being overbearingly sociable its someone making use of your inability to say "no".

Don't make wild excuses which complicate things - just say "no", you are there for personal time, happy to meet up (somewhere else) for coffee on one of the days but this is your holiday, not work socialising or childminding time. Practice it in advance, say in advance that you go to spend time immersed in the festival not to meet up with colleagues or whatever works for you but keep it simple, practice it and then say it. Otherwise you might as well cancel your plans for next year because it will happen again.

In my case it’s unlikely because it’s not a big boat (~26 pax maximum) and it’s a unique experience that isn’t really mainstream. It’s not like a resort or big ship cruise where someone could just ‘bump into you’ and there are 10/11 other boats to choose from that are similar. I wouldn’t care if they chose the same week but a different boat. There would be one event we might see each other.

If someone did book my boat and week. I’d be pissed and would probably say “WTH?” The trip would be ruined for me and I would be pretty damned mad, their trip would be ruined because I’d be outwardly bitchy for the week.

This sounds like utter bliss! I've always wanted to go to Hay (on my own!). When the DC are finally out of my hair, I shall, inspired by you OP. And I sincerely hope you get your peaceful week and that you're able to make your work colleague understand that you need your space.

I think this will become a non-issue shortly. No way has this mum not got mumsnet or friends who do and know that she went to that festival. Especially if she was very vocal about your support. Feels like it might be quite outing. And you are trending right now so more likely it will be seen

Unfortunately you helped to enable this situation by being too friendly last time - providing hot drinks etc. Maybe she thinks you were a bit lonely and glad of her company - but asking you to look after her child is a real cheek - she should at least have checked with you before getting a ticket (hopefully you would have had other commitments).
You could say you have busy volunteering schedule and can only meet at a pre-arranged time - maybe a coffee and then you have to go. And be firm about being busy if she turns up unannounced.

"You spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again."

Why would you need to say any more than that?

Hi OP, definitely say no on advance and be prepared for this person to potentially still try and socialise/push it if you say no. She may get the message right away but people can be cheeky when it suits their own interests.

If she asks any favours or shows up when it's not wanted just be nice and say sorry I'm not feeling up to socialising or sorry I'm needing some down time to do things by myself but it's lovely to see you I hope you both enjoy the break etc. if she books any tickets and asks you to look after her daughter say I'm afraid I can't this time I'm sure you'll sort something and then leave/shut the door. You don't owe her an explanation. And you certainly don't owe her chunks of your holiday!

Maybe you could arrange a meet at the end of the week or on the last day and then don't be afraid to excuse yourself when you're ready.

@Craquedechevalier at most festivals I’ve been to (smaller and niched ones) there are groups set up independently and official to find folks to buddy up with if you are going alone etc.

id just say prior to the event and at it if necessary - Agnes this is a working holiday for me and I need time to just chill out after a shift - here’s a link to other groups to make friends and meet new folks to get the best of the festival.

This.

And I’d add: and it’s great that this time you’ll be prepared for poor weather, and be able to put your tent up yourselves. Might bump into you on the book trail

Good point

I'd be so tempted to say that.
That would put an immediate end to it.

Personally I would say something like you’re glad that they enjoyed themselves last year …

I wouldn’t say that, more that they didn’t seem to enjoy the camping experience and left early.

OP say something now.

🤣
Good for her, i say. It's good practice for dealing with her colleague. Start with faceless randoms on the Internet and work your way up.

Yes I did read your post, OP, but tbh based on your posts, I was honestly working on the assumption that you'd chicken out of telling her yourself and you'd hope that your friend saying it would mean you wouldn't have to.

Very happy to be wrong though. Nothing against you btw. Not having a pop. It's just I've been there, done that, worn the t-shirt and laid down while people wiped their feet on it.

I spent 20 years being the world's most people pleasing doormat and have done everything possible at one time or another to wiggle out of situations that a simple oh hell no would have sorted.

I would feel the same way

I think she knows what she's doing as shown by her telling other people how helpful you were and combine that with never bringing any contribution, food or thanks for that.
If she really valued your help, she would have contributed or helped you out in a different way in return.
Hopefully this helps you with seeing she is not as nice as it seems, so you can defend your holiday week better against her.

set expectations up front

no not make any excuses

say nothing that can provide any kind of in.

accept this experience as a personal challenge and do not allow anyone to steal your lovely alone-time.

so many excellent suggestions of what to say in order to manage expectations. Use one of them and just go for it.

all the best: your life will get better and better as a result of adopting this approach.

I'd make as simple and painless as possible OP -
Either change site and take the risk of walking in the rain (which may or may not happen)
Or be "feeling unwell/exhausted" the entire week, first time she knocks tell her you'll text her or find her once you feel better, then don't. If she comes knocking again, you're still unwell barely managing your volunteer duties, and that's the end!

I forgot to add anyone can let me know if they are in the market for a very unique American sailing experience, I’ll be happy to share. lol…I’ll also let you know what boat/week to avoid 😁

That doesn’t solve anything. Then the poor OP is still dodging her all week. Honestly it’s ok to be direct and upfront. If the CW gets her nose out joint that’s on her to deal with and not the OP.