AIBU to be fed up that I still didn’t get my lie in

[HappyMummaOfOne]

I have a 3.5year old and a 10month old and I can not tell you the last time I had a lie in. I know parents of children this age generally don’t but I am so exhausted and burnt out that when I was asked what I woukd like for Mother’s Day I asked for two things:- a lie in and a hot bath undisturbed by the kids.

Last Sunday I got neither. I also got no card or present (I’m not bothered by no present but thought I would get a card at least.) Mother’s Day was awful, I won’t go into details but the day was crap and I felt so unseen and heard that in the evening I had a little cry after putting the kids to bed. I think my husband must have been told by my mum a day or so later how down and upset I’ve been feeling recently because he offered to take the kids this morning so I could get my lie in and hot bath, would take the kids out and then drop them off at my parents so we could then have a nice afternoon just the two of us.
So last night I got the kids clothes out for today, packed the bag of nappies, wipes, spare clothes ect, made a packed lunch for them both ….you get the drift.

This morning I did the 3.30am wake up with my 10month old, milk, settled back to sleep and got back in my bed…..6am, husband gets up and gets her and she is fully awake so he brings her into our room and starts playing with her in the bed! I asked why he wasn’t taking her downstairs and his response was it was abit early 🤯
Not going to lie it did annoy me as I almost always try to keep my daughter in another room so I don’t disturb his sleep but he can’t do the same?!?! By 6.30am I’ve given up on being able to sleep and my 3.5year old comes in, and somehow it turns into me having to help get them ready to go out. I do my toddlers hair, I brush their teeth, I go and collect all the dirty bottles and take them downstairs, I collect their coats and help put shoes on ….and the best bit is as they left my husband says “I hope you enjoy your lie in”.
Is he just incredibly stupid and doesn’t get it or what???? I am AWAKE so I’m not getting a lie in. I just have the opportunity to now lie here trying to get back to sleep after 90mins of being awake with the kids.

Is my request really unreasonable and unrealistic that I could have one lie in?

Is it really unreasonable to expect my husband to be able to get the kids up and dressed and out the door without me? (He is taking them to his parents for breakfast before anyone thinks I am starving them).

I just wanted to get some sleep 😩
So maybe my tired moody self is not looking at the bigger picture. So AIBU?

@HappyMummaOfOne I don't think you need to justify yourself to someone whose username is "TradeWife" (oh look - like trad wife but with another letter - how ORIGINAL) and who claims to "rise earlier than the family" because that person is either on the wind up or they're an incel.

Your h is a pathetic man baby who can’t even handle his own dc without running back to Mummy for help. Useless.

You deserve much better.

Give him clear, detailed instructions Write a list of the things he needs to take when taking the baby to his parents. Go through the plan with him the night before and be clear that he cannot bring the baby into your room at 6:30.
Clamp your vagina shut. Kill all respect and romance. Apply for additional child benefit for this adult child in your house. Hide the wine, he’s not old enough. Take away his car keys and put some parental controls on the TV.

Yes because that will really help won’t it? 🙄

At 10m and 3.5 he should be doing the early shift at least one day of the weekend, so you both get at least 1 lie in a week.

Your expectations of a lie in one day a year is far from unreasonable, but you will be unreasonable if you don't keep the pressure on the man child to step up.

This Friday night ask 'who's getting up with the kids tomorrow? You or me?' and when he comes in with them say 'I'm sleeping Dave, please take the kids downstairs'

Do you think someone gave OP a clear and detailed list of instructions on how to look after her children and mentored her step by step through it until she got it? No? So why then are you suggesting infantilising a grown man to this extent? If he’s capable of holding down a job, getting married, procreating, he’s capable of parenting. There is no faster way to kill respect and libido than having to parent your husband, particularly through basic stuff you figured out yourself. He needs an ultimatum, not a handhold.

Ultimatums rarely produce the desired effect. People don’t like being told off by their spouse, even if they are in the wrong, there’s a gut reaction to push back in defence and that can escalate the situation. This is OPs life, not a soap opera. Of course she shouldn’t have to teach him, but sometimes doing something you shouldn’t have to can be the best way to get what you want. She wants him to take more responsibility with the kids, just dumping it all him and having a go at him for his incompetence may force him to learn by himself, but it will be massively stressful for everyone involved, especially the children. Helping him learn will take effort on her part initially, but will benefit her greatly in the long run. If a transition to him being more useful can be achieved smoothly without argument why wouldn’t you just do that? A lot of people seem very keen to cause conflict in other people’s marriages. OP has to actually live with this situation, and clearly has enough stress without having massive arguments with her husband to add to the mix. I’d just take the path of least resistance.

You are not unreasonable wanting a lie in, but why haven’t you addressed any of this with your husband? Why did you need your Mum to raise Mother’s Day?

You are choosing to accept and enable his behaviour - why did you do all the prep for the day the night before? There should have been a conversation between you and your husband that he was to do this. Why did you also get up in the morning when you were supposed to be getting a rest? (I know that you didn’t get the long lie you wanted, but you still could have stayed in bed instead of doing all the other things)

Communication needs to improve and you also need to split tasks to give you a proper break. Your husband needs to take more responsibility of the children, so it’s not all on you.

That honestly does sound like a lot! Is there any way you can cut back on work hours? 10 hours a day is a lot especially with a baby waking in the night.
Obviously you should be sharing duties with your DH with you both working but you may end up feeling like you’re constantly having to nag him as he won’t notice the things you want done.
It would be much easier for you to go part time and to be able to keep up with the housework (and have some down time) without ending up constantly bickering with DH.

You are not being direct. Everything is a question of inference or asking your mum?

• please take baby out of the room I am trying to rest.
• please get the kids ready I’m having a lie in
• where is my card for mothers day?
• you need to step up as a parent I am exhausted

ask for what you want, but also actively take it. Take time for yourself. Send him out with the kids. Book a massage for the evenings he is in. You have to forcefully carve out time for yourself it won’t just magically be appear.

Where are all these useless men coming from! The majority of men I know are hands on parents who do their fair share. You need to stop doing so much. He is well capable of getting the children ready for a day out.