AIBU to be fed up that I still didn’t get my lie in

[HappyMummaOfOne]

I have a 3.5year old and a 10month old and I can not tell you the last time I had a lie in. I know parents of children this age generally don’t but I am so exhausted and burnt out that when I was asked what I woukd like for Mother’s Day I asked for two things:- a lie in and a hot bath undisturbed by the kids.

Last Sunday I got neither. I also got no card or present (I’m not bothered by no present but thought I would get a card at least.) Mother’s Day was awful, I won’t go into details but the day was crap and I felt so unseen and heard that in the evening I had a little cry after putting the kids to bed. I think my husband must have been told by my mum a day or so later how down and upset I’ve been feeling recently because he offered to take the kids this morning so I could get my lie in and hot bath, would take the kids out and then drop them off at my parents so we could then have a nice afternoon just the two of us.
So last night I got the kids clothes out for today, packed the bag of nappies, wipes, spare clothes ect, made a packed lunch for them both ….you get the drift.

This morning I did the 3.30am wake up with my 10month old, milk, settled back to sleep and got back in my bed…..6am, husband gets up and gets her and she is fully awake so he brings her into our room and starts playing with her in the bed! I asked why he wasn’t taking her downstairs and his response was it was abit early 🤯
Not going to lie it did annoy me as I almost always try to keep my daughter in another room so I don’t disturb his sleep but he can’t do the same?!?! By 6.30am I’ve given up on being able to sleep and my 3.5year old comes in, and somehow it turns into me having to help get them ready to go out. I do my toddlers hair, I brush their teeth, I go and collect all the dirty bottles and take them downstairs, I collect their coats and help put shoes on ….and the best bit is as they left my husband says “I hope you enjoy your lie in”.
Is he just incredibly stupid and doesn’t get it or what???? I am AWAKE so I’m not getting a lie in. I just have the opportunity to now lie here trying to get back to sleep after 90mins of being awake with the kids.

Is my request really unreasonable and unrealistic that I could have one lie in?

Is it really unreasonable to expect my husband to be able to get the kids up and dressed and out the door without me? (He is taking them to his parents for breakfast before anyone thinks I am starving them).

I just wanted to get some sleep 😩
So maybe my tired moody self is not looking at the bigger picture. So AIBU?

Text him right now, OP. "A lie in means being able to sleep in the morning without being disturbed by the children. I did not get a lie in this morning as you brought DD in to our room instead of looking after her elsewhere. I would like to have my lie in properly tomorrow. You will need to entertain and feed the children from when they wake up until 9 am."

He's being crap and you are being passive. Say something this time. Don't wait until your mum does it for you. You are the mum now: you need to advocate for yourself so you can advocate for your children.

My eldest woke every 2 hours every single night for 2.5 years. My youngest woke every 2-3 hours for 18 months.

Both were exclusively breastfed. Yet DH and I still managed to take it in turns. Give each other naps and lie ins and good chunks of sleep.

He worked shifts yet was still able to be an equal parent because that’s what parents are supposed to do - be an equal part of a team.

This. The second he brought the baby in id have firmly said 'what on earth are you doing in here waking me up, out. Go as far away as possible I don't want to hear a sound otherwise I won't count it as a lie in and I'll be having another tomorrow and this will continue til you get it bloody right!!!'
And follow through!

This - you should each get/give each other a lie in as much as possible. Sounds like he owes you quite a lot…

I remember one time ExH started hoovering at 8am when it was my turn for a lie-in. One of many, many selfish and deliberate behaviours. All ‘oh sorry I didn’t think’ but never, ever hoovered any other time… before or after!

DP occasionally takes DD (loudest child known to man) to McDonald’s for breakfast at god knows what time to get her out of the house and let me have silence in the morning. He also feeds the cat so she won’t pester me and brings me food when they come back. He does this without being asked, just because he feels like it, and even manages to get his daughter dressed without support.

Book yourself a hotel asap. Even a cheap Travelodge somewhere quiet. Or go visit a friend who doesn’t have kids! And don’t lay out clothes etc before you go.

Sounds crap. Why didn't you tell him to take the baby out of your room?

If you divorce him you can have a lie in every other weekend. He sounds absolutely shit and his passive aggressive dig about you enjoying your lie in would be the final straw for me.

Bad enough that on ‘his weekend’ you still had to sort everything the night before, still had to do a night feed and entertain them in bed in the morning and then fucking help him get them out the door is a sick joke.

And then the lazy twat is going to palm them off on his mum because she’s the next support human who’s responsible for your kids when you’re unavailable, not their own other bloody parent.

Not joking, pack a bag while he’s out, head off to a hotel for the rest of the weekend. Have your lie in (put a Do Not Disturb notice on your door and take earplugs!!) and leave him a note saying that as he’s clearly inept and doesn’t understand what a lie in looks like you’re going to take it yourself.

Your kids will be fine for 24 hours and he’ll hopefully realise what a monumental prick he’s been. And then start divorce proceedings next week. Life is too short to live it with a selfish thoughtless manchild.

Going against the grain, YABU.
Why did you get up and start doing their hair, brushing their teeth and generally getting them ready? Why not just tell him to get up with them?
Why sort their bag and lunch the night before for your DH to take them out?

I just don’t get the point of going out of your way to make yourself a martyr and then being surprised?

Absolutely useless excuse for a husband

Just another selfish loser.
Stop having children with this selfish loser.

He knows exactly what he is doing but is gettjng away with it and basically doesn't care.

Stop doing ANYTHING that benefits him.
No laundry, no cooking, look after your children and yourself.

Keep your family and friends close and in the loop.

I would write out what you have posted here and address it as a note to him and leave it somewhere he will see it when he comes home then have your undisturbed bath and take yourself out for the afternoon.

You could book a hotel but a man like your husband will call you to ask about how to look after his own children so you would be disturbed anyway. I would see if you can stay at your parents and in your note to him tell him your phone will be switched off but he can call one of your parents if there is an emergency with the children. You might need to get your parents to invent an excuse about why the children can't go to their house this afternoon.

He's selfish in the extreme, stop letting him get away with it.

To me this all depends on context. It sounds like he was expecting you to go back to bed after they left from what you’ve written. If he’s decent otherwise and is a good partner it might be worth spelling it out “by lie in what I mean is not being woken up AT ALL before 10, as I can’t get back to sleep once I’m awake etc…”. But if he’s a knob otherwise then yes it’s likely to be weaponised incompetence.

OP, look I hate to ‘victim blame’, but you’ve got no one to blame but yourself at this point. Stop being such an utter doormat and stand up for yourself. Christ. No one is going to advocate for yourself except you at this point. He’s certainly not going to.

Exactly. Just stop doing it. This is perpetuating the problem.

My dh made a big drama about getting up with dc in Saturdays.. How grateful I needed to be. So yes he did take them downstairs and feed them. Then sent them to play in their rooms. Either side of ours..
While he napped in peace on the sofa.
Exh now.
Father's day you dump them on him in the bed at 6.30 and go nap on the sofa... And don't you dare buy him a card or gift...

YABU for just lying there with him and the child in the bed and not saying something directly and firmly right then.

Ie I'm having my lie in now so please take her to another room right now or I will be wide awake.

And even when he commented "enjoy your lie in" Why didn't you throw back "I haven't effing got it because of last 90 mins"

You sound too passive. The man you married needs directness

you have explained that this was shit.
He hasn't listened.

Fight fire with fire: wake him up when you get u with the night feed, bring the baby into bed and just go all wide eyed and innocent.

If you get up early with DC, bring them into bed with you and play.

And: in future, each of you gets a lie-in at the weekend. Yours is Saturday (because if they wake you up early, you take Sunday instead)

Just to clarify..... When I suggested staying at you parents I meant for the night so you could get a proper lie in and not in a LTB way.

I first post nailed it. You do come across as a martyr OP. I have a good relationship with my husband but I'd literally be shouting wtaf at him if he displayed any one of those behaviours (not just automatically sharing the lie ins in the first place, ignoring your mother's day request, not seeing how tired you are, making such a deliberate balls up of the whole thing that it was completely pointless, accepting your help when he was supposed to be resting). Instead you're pondering whether you're unreasonable to expect him to do his own share of early mornings with his own children occasionally

He should be able to deal with his own kids, and that includes getting clothes and nappies and snacks and bags sorted the night before by the way. Its absolutely pathetic and if you don't spell out to him how pathetic it is and how much it will affect your marriage, the resentment will eventually kill your relationship

What a useless fuckwit! I’d have torn him off a strip though, so unless you make it crystal clear to the lazy shit then he’s going to forever let you do the packed lunches, teeth brushing etc! Stop it!
Oh and I’d be telling him he can have the kids all sodding afternoon too because you’re going to have your bath and putting your feet up. ALONE!
Stop allowing this shitty behaviour woman!

I’d be furious. Make it clear that you will be having your lie in tomorrow. He will get up and take the children downstairs. He can’t possibly have thought it was okay to bring the baby in your room that early when he’d promised you a lie in. He just did whatever was easiest for him in that moment with absolutely no regard for you at all. You need to put your foot down. Don’t ask for a lie in, tell him.

These threads are tiring. These men are tiring. The women who allow this bs are tiring.

Raise your standards. The guy knows how to do these things. He sat on the bed in the morning with your child on purpose, to get you to do exactly what you did (get up and take over)

Time to change your patterns and don’t ask from now on, just do. You’re not a single parent, why you asking permission like the man is doing you a favour?

Get some self love. Don’t ask, tell.

Men need to be led, they’re pack animals.

Source
Dominatrix

Yes - why didn’t you tell him „go downstairs I want to sleep“ and „get the kids ready by yourself“. If you allow him to be so useless and use his weaponised incompetence against you. He’s a tool for doing it and you a fool for enabling it.

Guve him pushback - immediate in the situation. Complaining afterwards on mumsnet won’t change anything.

Of course it’s not unusual to have a lie in with kids these ages. We alternate the weekends and when we had babies who woke a lot at night DH would get up with them both mornings so I could catch up.

Why didnt you speak up?
“I was meant to have a lie in for mother’s day and i got absolutely nothing. Now you promised me a lie in today and here you are at 6am playing in the bed. Take the children downstairs, don’t come back in and wake me.”

Why are you just letting this happen to you? Grow a backbone. You have a shit, selfish husband so you need to grow a backbone and start being very clear about what you need. If he won’t do it then you start spending every second weekend at your parent’s and tell him you need couple’s counselling before you can be home permanently.