AIBU to be fed up that I still didn’t get my lie in

[HappyMummaOfOne]

I have a 3.5year old and a 10month old and I can not tell you the last time I had a lie in. I know parents of children this age generally don’t but I am so exhausted and burnt out that when I was asked what I woukd like for Mother’s Day I asked for two things:- a lie in and a hot bath undisturbed by the kids.

Last Sunday I got neither. I also got no card or present (I’m not bothered by no present but thought I would get a card at least.) Mother’s Day was awful, I won’t go into details but the day was crap and I felt so unseen and heard that in the evening I had a little cry after putting the kids to bed. I think my husband must have been told by my mum a day or so later how down and upset I’ve been feeling recently because he offered to take the kids this morning so I could get my lie in and hot bath, would take the kids out and then drop them off at my parents so we could then have a nice afternoon just the two of us.
So last night I got the kids clothes out for today, packed the bag of nappies, wipes, spare clothes ect, made a packed lunch for them both ….you get the drift.

This morning I did the 3.30am wake up with my 10month old, milk, settled back to sleep and got back in my bed…..6am, husband gets up and gets her and she is fully awake so he brings her into our room and starts playing with her in the bed! I asked why he wasn’t taking her downstairs and his response was it was abit early 🤯
Not going to lie it did annoy me as I almost always try to keep my daughter in another room so I don’t disturb his sleep but he can’t do the same?!?! By 6.30am I’ve given up on being able to sleep and my 3.5year old comes in, and somehow it turns into me having to help get them ready to go out. I do my toddlers hair, I brush their teeth, I go and collect all the dirty bottles and take them downstairs, I collect their coats and help put shoes on ….and the best bit is as they left my husband says “I hope you enjoy your lie in”.
Is he just incredibly stupid and doesn’t get it or what???? I am AWAKE so I’m not getting a lie in. I just have the opportunity to now lie here trying to get back to sleep after 90mins of being awake with the kids.

Is my request really unreasonable and unrealistic that I could have one lie in?

Is it really unreasonable to expect my husband to be able to get the kids up and dressed and out the door without me? (He is taking them to his parents for breakfast before anyone thinks I am starving them).

I just wanted to get some sleep 😩
So maybe my tired moody self is not looking at the bigger picture. So AIBU?

Yes I really should know better but my god it's a frustrating read!

Just ignore them. They’re probably some MAGA man from fucking Texas or something

To answer a few questions I suppose the reason I packed the bags and lunches is because I’ve tried in the past not doing this and it only disrupts the kids and not him. He went to his parents once so I could get a rest and he returned THREE times because he forgot nappies, then there was an accident and he needed spare clothes and the last time because he forgot the formula!

I do think he weaponises his incompetence and I do know that I do too much around the house and for the kids but on this occasion I just wanted an uninterrupted morning and knew if I didn’t prepare everything he would have been in and out the room to ask me questions on where stuff is, what did he need blah blah blah. I have tried telling him what is needed the night before but the response I always get is “I’ll do it in the morning/later” or “I’m not a moron”….but clearly he is if he then has to ask the next day.

As for Mother’s Day, I did say in the morning that I was disappointed I hadn’t received a card and he has said that he has ordered something but delivery is 6-20 days 😳 so I should be grateful he didn’t forget and it’s “coming”. But to me having it late is no different than forgetting and going to the shop and buying it in the same…the event is over, it doesn’t matter now.

I suppose the reason I’m not speaking up as much as usual (I’ve a very outspoken person usually) is that I am feeling down (possibly depressed) and I just don’t feel myself. I feel worn down, exhausted and I have no more fight left in me. I’m using what little energy I have to just get through each day. I recently went back to work full time from maternity leave (I condense my hours so I work 8-6pm four days a week), have the kids the one extra day alone, still do all the housework, washing ect and I know it’s uneven and unfair but there are only so many times you can ask for help before you give up.

My husband is useless when it comes to domestic stuff and we have argued since buying our house together 6 years ago but I’ve had to accept he isn’t going to change because he doesn’t want to and so I get on with it. Why did I have kids with him because he is a good guy, just useless and clueless BUT he is a brilliant fun dad. At least to our toddler. He is Mr Entertainer and plays with her but just doesn’t know how to look after the baby. He was the same with the toddler, until she could walk and talk he just couldn’t work out what to do. So why did I choose to have a second probably because we were in a good place at the time, he was being helpful with the toddler and he said he would do better second time round. It just hasn’t worked out that way. Will it get better yes but I am just in the thick of it right now.

Should I/could I book a hotel for the night….yes but would it teach him to step up or just upset the kids? I feel it would be selfish of me to leave them knowing he would struggle and I would just come back to carnage the next day. I know that this is completely unacceptable but is also my reality. Should I/could I leave him , yes but again I feel it might not be in the best interest of the kids who deserve to have their father around (because to them he is amazing and fun).

Anyway as an update, yesterday I managed to get back to sleep (not sure what time) and slept until 10.45am which was bliss. I then went and had my hot bath whilst watching Motherland (how have I never heard or seen this before! I got through two episodes before I got out of the bath looking like a lobster 😂).
Hubby was then home and cooked me a bacon roll and we went out shopping together which was actually quite nice and the sun was out. We stopped at my favourite place for afternoon tea and then to my parents to pick up the kids at 5pm. It was a really lovely day and I did use the time to talk to him about how I am feeling and that I am not feeling like myself right now. He has agreed to do more and apologised for Mother’s Day.

And the best part…I have no idea how but BOTH kids slept until 8am this morning!!!! (Baby woke at 5.45 but I managed to resettle her). So I finally got my lie in 🥰

I'm really glad the stars aligned for you to get your lie in ❤. It sounds like he's a fun and engaged Dad to the toddler, and hopefully will be to the baby when they reach that stage too. I'm just a bit uneasy with your description because it sounds very Disney Dad-ish, ie doing all the fun stuff that the kids see and none of the boring stuff that they don't. I think for your long term sustainable happiness and sanity you will need to convey to him that being a parent is not just playing with the kids but also making sure they have a tidy house, clean clothes, good fresh food, regular dentists appointments, homework done, and all the other 'boring' stuff. If he can't manage that then he's not being a good partner or Dad, he's just dipping into parenting for the fun bits.

Did your Mother's Day gift arrive?

Bahaha.

Of course he only “steps up” by having your parents mind his kids though.

Glad you finally got a decent sleep (although I’m not sure 8am counts as a lie in for anyone else!) It sounds like you feel more positive about it for now.

Continue watching Motherland - and pay particular attention to Julia’s husband 😂

I totally agree with everything you have just said and deep down he knows he hasn’t been pulling his weight. He actually came over to me when I was washing up and said he wants to do better and apologised for not helping out more. I know things won’t change overnight but I feel after a proper conversation yesterday he is starting to “get it” :)

No not yet. It’s still in transit apparently:)

You have made me giggle and I think I need to tell my husband that a cat dad is doing more than him.

I’m not sure abit of both. I do have to spell things out to him which I think are pretty obvious and he looks genuinely surprised like it has never crossed his mind. When I’ve asked him HOW has it never crossed his mind he just says “my mind just doesn’t work that way” 🙄😂

You can't seriously believe this. That he's suddenly "getting it". Read back your 2nd post. You're so beaten down by him that your depressed and you've stopped speaking up for yourself because you know there is no point. You know he won't change. Most people would have told him to leave the room as soon as he brought the baby in. I'm sure you know he only did that so you would get up and get them ready for him. Then you describe this "magical " day you had as if it absolves the fact he purposely ruined your lie in. You clearly love him which is why you make excuses for him. But your not stupid. Deep down you know nothing is going to change. Maybe he'll do better for a couple of weeks but after that it will be business as usual. And you'll keep martyring yourself while telling everyone what a great dad he is.

He's not a great dad, by the way. He's a great playmate for them. Great dad's actually know how to properly look after their children.

You know exactly what to do next time he’s having a lie in - and on Father’s Day.

I’m glad you got your lie in in the end. So I know a lot of people on here would say he absolutely must just get on with things by himself and you shouldn’t have to help him. But ultimately that’s just going to be a nightmare for you both, him trying to cope when he doesn’t know how, and you picking up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong. So, I’m in favour of a bit of hand holding. He says he wants to do better, so you help him do that. Give him clear, detailed instructions Write a list of the things he needs to take when taking the baby to his parents. Go through the plan with him the night before and be clear that he cannot bring the baby into your room at 6:30. I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but personally I think that in life sometimes you have to make a choice between being right or getting what you want. You want him to be able to look after the kids by himself more, the easiest way for that to happen is if you teach him how. It sounds like he’s willing to learn so seize the moment.

I hope your present does arrive, don't let him forget it (I hope it's not an excuse and he has genuinely got something on order).
I am glad you got your lie in. I do hope your DH takes on board how things are. It is sad that you say you are feeling run down (which isn't surprising considering you work full time and do all the childcare) and really as others point out, you need him to step up and be involved in the day to day mundane tasks rather than just be an entertainer for the toddler.

While you were washing up?? After you'd cooked??

Look. I'm glad you had a lovely day, but I think that just puts a glow on the problem.

Don't close your eyes to it. He isn't entitled to be the fun parent and leave the proper grown up stuff to you. So just make sure he starts contributing.

He actually came over to me when I was washing up and said he wants to do better and apologised for not helping out more

It's not 'helping out'. It's 'doing his fair share'. He could have started with the washing up, but he didn't. He's full of shit.

Great Dad but doesn’t know they need nappies, a change of clothes or food 🙄

I hope he starts to step up to doing the boring bits of parenting for your sake. Anyone can entertain a child, not everyone can parent them.

Oh god my exh used to do this! Say I was getting a lie in but I had to get up, look after the kids whilst he got ready, help get them ready etc. The they would finally go out after I had been awake for what could be hours.

I said, I’d rather he got up with them and did that morning shift whilst I had an actual lie in, and then we could all go out together and enjoy the day!

FFS in whose world is an early night as good as a lie in?

Totally agree - tbh OP your update giving loads of shit excuses for him is pretty depressing to read.

Can't look after babies? Fucking learn how - wouldn't it be nice for you to just say that and check out too but then who cares for them? I do get the "sometimes it's easier just to do stuff" but then shocker - he just continues to be shit.

I have my own frustrations with my DH around the house for sure but I would have gone absolutely bloody batshit at him if he trotted out crap like "not knowing how to look after a baby" when ours were small. Grow up and figure it out like the rest of us!

Presumably he can manage to "figure out" what to do at work?? He needs to get a serious grip IMO

OMG I am so sorry you are living this too! I feel bad for you but can’t really give any advice because here I am 10 months on from you and clearly I don’t have it worked out.
Good luck with the birth and I’m sending you a massive hug xx

You make it sound like I go to bed ridiculously late 🙄 You want to know what time I went to bed last week….9pm one night, 9.30pm the rest. Sometimes I NEED a little bit of time after the morning madness, 10hour work day, dinner, baths, bedtimes with the kids and then getting my own dinner ready to decompress! I’m still always in bed by 10pm…but guess what….my BABY doesn’t always want to sleep! So I get up multiple times a night to pop the dummy back in, settle her, give a feed if she needs it ect. So most nights I don’t get more than a 2-3hour stretch before I’m up and then have to try to get back to sleep and repeat.