to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

What are your circumstances?

Or are your you just navel gazing about this?

I couldn't be deliberately cruel to a child, regardless of if they were related to me or not.

Or any human being

Conflicted about this tbh. I think it depends on what age a child joined a family, how involved they are, what the other side of their own family are like. I’d be more likely to include a step grandchild in my will if they had been abandoned my one of their own biological parents and had no contact with that side of their family for example. Think it probably very much depends. On things like Christmas or birthdays I would treat them the same unless they were something like 18 when they joined the family. If they were little kids I would definitely do the same in terms of gifting etc.

I've got 2 step grandsons and I treat them exactly the same as my other grandchildren. It wouldn't occur to me not to .

My step grandmother was the only grandparent who treated me like she loved me or even acknowledged my existence at all. Thank god she didn't feel the same as you.

Absolutely!

Not all step families are the same. A step child who joins the family at a young age and sees the step grand parents regularly is very different to a step child who is already a teen when they enter the family and sees the step grand parent once or twice a year. The wealth status of the biological parents and grandparents may have a bearing too. Hard to see a much-loved (step) grandchild go without if there’s no biological family money, but if biological family are really wealthy and child has a guarantee of university/house deposit/whatever being paid for by them, (step) grandparents may want to prioritise the children who don’t.

This is very situation specific.

Honestly, I think some of the stories you read on here of differing treatment are awful, but since I learned of someone I know in real life getting upset that her partner of a couple of years parents didn't treat her 8 year old exactly the same as his older kids, I do take the stories with a pinch of salt. In this case, her 8 year old knows that they aren't her grandparents, as she has two sets already. This individual and her partner have already broken things off and got back together once. They do not live together. I can see why the grandparents are pleasant towards the 8 year old but not 'all in', and it's ultimately the mothers fixed expectations of how the relationship should be that will ultimately cause the damage, not the cordial relationship itself.

I think where step children are involved the best thing with inheritance is for grandparents to leave everything to the parents / their own children so they can decide how to divide up the money.

It’s a horrible feeling to be a step child and be side stepped in favour of biological grandchildren.

I don't think it's as black and white as that.
If you become a blended family with older kids, I think everyone's roles are perfectly understood, they aren't your grandparents/children etc. They have their own sets of parents/grandparents and know this. So no, I don't think they should be treated exactly the same as bio kids.
However, if you become a blended family when they are little, different story. My uncle got with a woman when her son was just months old, bio dad not in the picture. My uncle became dad, we became cousins, he calls our nana and grandad, nana and grandad etc. We are his family. I think in those circumstances, then he should be treat as a "bio" kid.
So it all depends on the circumstances to me. All family's are different!

My friend had one granny who was horrible to her but not her siblings. She was an adult before she discovered that she was a stepchild when her parents divorced. It explained everything she said.

My parents are both remarried so each other's gcs are the other one's step gcs. They treat them all the same - holidays, gifts etc. Why wouldn't they??

It’s a horrible feeling to be a step child and be side stepped in favour of biological grandchildren.

Maybe the problem is the step child's sense of entitlement.

Expecting to be left a portion of someone's life savings on death to whom they have never been biologically related is horrible too.

So with your holiday example, what are you suggesting as an alternative? The stepchildren are paid for by their own parent? Seems reasonable. Or they are excluded from the holiday? This would be unkind.

In our family they would all be treated exactly the same.
It would feel cruel not to.

But it completely depends on the circumstances doesn’t it… Dh has been in dds life since she was 3, she’s now 22. She’s as much his dd as mine and extended family see it the same way. Ds aged 12 is viewed as a grandchild in dds extended family - they give him birthday and Christmas gifts etc etc as if he was their grandchild too. I appreciate we may just be lucky in that regard.

YANBU.

Obviously it depends on the family set up. If the step child is 23 and the others are 4, then of course they will be treated differently. If the step child lives away and you only see them once a year, then they will get treated differently. Ultimately it’s down to you, but I can’t imagine purposefully leaving a child out if it’s avoidable.

"I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner."

Am I being thick? What other kind of stepchildren are there other than "children your partner had with someone else"?

I think inheritance should be private until death so is far less important than how a child is treated growing up. If I ever had step grandchildren I would be guided entirely by the kindest thing for the child. I couldn’t leave them out of things unless they were away with their other parent at the time. Yes they might end up with more gifts overall from having more parental figures but that’s hardly recompense from living in a split family/families.

It is lovely if grandparents feel able to treat all alike, and that’s what you’d wish for the children.

I think it becomes harder when it comes to thinking about inheritance, or even support as adults, and it’s an almost visceral need to see the blood relatives taken care of. I have no dc, or step-dc, but I do have nieces and nephews, all adult, and to be honest, I struggle to not favour those who are from my side of the family.

I was a stepchild. I don't remember ever getting a gift or anything from my stepmothers parents or expecting to? Is this the normal now?

There are so may nuances to this kind of relationship.

When I married my husband he had 3 teenage kids. Two of them met my granny at the wedding. The third didn't come to the wedding as it clashed with a football match he wanted go to.

My granny came to visit us once. One of the stepkids popped round to see her dad. She and my granny had a pleasant chat.

That was the extent of the relationship.

My granny lived for another 20 years. At least 3 times a year I loaded my own kids into the car and drove to stay with my granny for a few days. She was the absolute centre of my family.

Different relationships completely.

Every situation is different and needs to be considered as such, however I lean towards treating all children as kindly and generously as each other, certainly if they’re all present to witness the distribution of gifts/treats/love.

Theres really nothing at all to be gained from conspicuously enforcing a boundary to a child that they’re an outsider.