to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Why is inheritance a difference issue? The kids have done nothing wrong and could already be struggling. Isn't the very least the grandparent can do is to make sure they inherit?

I can understand that, but stepchildren also have 4 grandparents so it would also be unfair if they inherited from their step-grandparents. I think the same goes for gifts.

Has MIL included her in the will?

My parents have included my step daughter in their will. She will get exactly the same as their biological grandchild.

I think it is very individual to the circumstances.

Paying private school fees is a lot of money.
It is very generous to offer to pay for them.

I absolutely would not think a grandparent has any obligation to pay for step children.

Rethink the decision completely and perhaps put the money in a fund they can access at 25.

My buddy married a man with a 7 and 9 year old and had one son herself.
Her parents made a similar offer and her husband said no because of his children not going.

The grandparents banked the money for him and he is now 23 with a substantial amount of money coming at 25.

He has joined the army as an officer cadet as he always wanted, post university.

There was no falling out about it. The grandparents simply made separate provision.

He will inherit from his grandparents and his step siblings won't.

I do not think you can dictate to anyone who they leave their money to.

My DDs have a stepdad he treats them in every way like his own (dad is useless. ) our wills leave everything equally to our three kids (one his) his parents have always treated my dds well but not equally. There’s a biggish age gap though so not a major issue.

i would treat children equally in that situation.

I think it's lovely if Grandparents can treat them the same but OK if it doesn't work out that way. It depends on the situation really. My DS is a step grandchild but his Dad is still very much in his life, he isn't massively close to step dad at the moment and we don't see DPs parents that much anyway. They're kind to him, chat to him and include him in everything when we see them and buy him small gifts. That's plenty imo.

I wouldn't expect them to pay for school fees although it could be awkward if they paid for our younger DC and created a rift between my 2 DCs. As it happens, DS is really happy in his state school so probably wouldn't actually want to change schools. I wouldn't expect them to leave him any inheritance. They'll probably just leave it to their DC anyway rather than DGC.

In a situation where the step parent has fully embraced the step DC as their own, maybe their dad isn't in their life or they don't have much other family. Then I think it's more appropriate to have a closer relationship with step GPs.

What are the details of your situation OP? Are the 4 step grandchildren (half) sibings of the 2 grandchildren? I'm just trying to work out why it would be causing an issue.

How is it being cruel? If I pay for two of my grandchildren's school fees and school trips, am I cruel because I don't do the same for the four grand stepchildren?

Is your eldest grandaughter included in your will as not to be terribly cruel?

I feel that there is no clear answer and there’s differences depending on the relationship between the child and the step grandparent.

For example, my eldest is my DH’s step son. We met when he was 2, and started to live together when he was 3. We live together as a family with DS2. DH’s family (his siblings and dad) have always treated DS1 as one of their own. When my lovely FIL died, DS1 received the same inheritance as the rest of the grandchildren.

Now, I don’t know if it would have been the same if DS1 lived with his Dad and so my in laws rarely saw him

They can treat them how they see fit…they could treat the step grand children “better” if they so wanted to.

That person mentions inheritance specifically. We won't be talking about children in most cases. Could be people in late middle age, even retired. When my step GGP died, the oldest of the kids they had between them was a pensioner!

I do.
My eldest daughter has 3 sons.
Second daughter one son.. she came out gay 4 years ago. Divorced and is now in a same sex relationship and living together with her new partner and mu two step granddaughters.
So now l have 6 Grandchildren and all get treat the same.
Christmas/ birthdays / holidays etc .

My brothers wife has a niece who’s parents (for want of a better term) pretty much abandoned her and so my brother and SIL took her in from the age of 17… she’s now in her early 20s. My mum God bless her… still to this day treats my SIL’s niece as if she was her grandchild. She showers her with gifts at Christmas, she buys her birthday presents and she gives her Easter eggs at Easter. Showing love costs absolutely nothing…

No, leave your money to your children, not any of the grandchildren. That’s the fair way of doing it.

@Chezxx explains my thoughts better than I could do.

My MiL left her not insubstantial assets to her biological grandchildren which was of course her prerogative but she did this as if she left money to her children my son from a previous relationship would have indirectly benefited.

She was never cruel when she was alive but my son was not her grandchild, when my partner gently suggested that my son be included in a trip to Ireland with his brother and cousins she said that his inclusion would make her grandchildren less special.

I have no idea if the biological grandchildren of a grandmother who treats their step-grandchildren the same as them are troubled by it and feel less special.

Mumsnet quite rightly say that nobody is entitled to an inheritance but had partner received an inheritance (instead of our eight year old) we could have paid the mortgage off and enjoyed life a little .

Ah another 'to think'

It is up to the grandparents no one else, just because 2 adults want to blend families doesn't mean everyone else will but how many parents think of the children themselves when they blend families in the first place

Yes they demand grandparents do?

Will they all inherit too in order to be treated the same?

It is upto the grandparents what they want to do.

Yes. It creates a divide. And will totally change the trajectory of their lives

Although the real question is - why can't your child provide for their family themselves rather than you paying for it?

My sister (who has a 12 year age gap with me so was more affected than me by this) remembers a Christmas where there were sacks of presents for our half-sisters (bought my stepmother and her relatives) and she got ... socks. She must have been 8 or 9 around the time and found it very upsetting. My father is a massive arse for allowing this, but that is another story.

When DSIS was a bit older she spent Christmas with me and DH abroad, tagged along to my PILs. MIL had bought her some presents to open so she wouldn't feel left out (DH and I had already given her presents in the morning). MIL had no obligation to a random relative of mine and she still chose to be kind and inclusive. I would imagine she would do the same for stepchildren.

There are too many variables.

My uncle married and had two step children with active grandparents still very much in their life. They were 6 & 4. My nan treated them the same as us regardless. What inheritance was there was shared equally between her own children, it’s up to my uncle how he shares between his step and own children.

My parents remarried when I was much older - birthday/Christmas cards shared but nothing more as they are lovely people but not my step grandparents. (Even though by marriage they are!) My dads in-laws my children do call them Granny name as they are close and do get small gifts but we don’t expect them to be treated like their own grandchildren even though they’ve known them all my children’s lives.

And in terms of inheritance, my parents have already explained that what they have will go directly to me and my brother. Not grandchildren. From there, we will decide what to do with the money. If my brother decides he wants to give my SIL’s niece money then that’s up to him.

My parents always gave presents of similar value to their step grandchildren (my DSD and sister's DSS). My mum died recently and all the grandchildren, including the step grandchildren got £2k from her.
They've always come on holidays and trips too when other grandchildren were invited. They are part of our family why would we exclude them?

So because I cannot afford to pay for 2 grandchildrens school fees and 4 step grandchildrens schools fees, that creates a divide? I shouldn't pay for any then because it will change the trajectory of their lives?

Have you heard of cost of living and job losses?