to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

My stepchildren's mother would have gone ballistic if my parents had encouraged HER children and HER parents' grandchildren to call them by grandparently nicknames, offered to have them to stay along with my children in the school holidays, and given them generous presents, effectively treating them if they were their own grandchildren. I suspect their actual grandparents (including DH's completely uninterested father) and DH's sister would also have regarded this as an unacceptable intrusion. My parents were always lovely to my stepchildren, but they recognised and accepted that there was a boundary.

That's a factor too. These children have parents and their own grandparents possibly. If they do then maybe the parenrtsand grandparents would thank you not to act as if you're the child's own biological family.

I would pay for my own grand children and stop worrying about it.

Stepchildren are just that. They aren’t your children’s children. They have their own grandparents to inherit from.

By including them you are disadvantaging your own grand children’s future wealth.

@betnet it’s a tricky one.

I know that some step relatives of mine will benefit from inheritance and part of me is pissed off. There is jewellery that possibly will end up with them that should go to other family members. Why should they benefit from an additional set of grandparents when they already have their own?

It's not deliberately cruel but it is a bit divisive. Do the step-grandchildren live with the 2 grandchildren full-time? What do their parents think about this? It's a very clear educational advantage for your biological grandchildren and it could cause a rift between your adult child and their spouse/partner.

Why are you paying in the first place?

Treating anyone with fairness and respect doesn’t mean treating everyone equally.

Equality is great but treating everyone as the same is a family isn’t always helpful

fairness is much better considering everyone’s needs and recognising individual differences.

only buying your grandchildren Easter eggs is unfair and noticeable all should be bought one, all should be included in events and gift giving and birthdays acknowledged

but boundaries can and should be put into place and here I think school fees is fine for her to offer just the two - if there was any cincerns surely it is the parents to raise

One of my stepchildren who I am very close to, has a daughter with her husband and he has a son from a failed marriage.

I treat the children the same. Why on earth wouldn't?

To answer your questions in order

Yes you should give gifts of equal value, that's an easy one. Don't get your blood grandchild Barbies dream castle and the step a selection box on xmas day. Split the difference of your gift budget between all the children, even if they now receive smaller gifts.

The other stuff, can you afford it? I would say to my kids, I want the grandchildren to join us on holiday, because there's more grandchildren now I can only afford X amount can you contribute the rest? But it could also depend on circumstances, if the steps have good relationships with their other DGPs and they get taken on holiday without their step siblings then it's equal if blood DGPs just take their blood DGCs.

Same for school fees, if you're paying for 2 and you can't afford anymore fees then the parents will either have to live with the disparity, pay for the others themselves or pull the 2 out of private and just have all in state school.

TBH most people who are struggling with the cost of living don't expect their children to go to private school. That is not a necessity but an extravagant extra.

It will be difficult for children who all live in the same house but who have completely different educational experiences.

Why have you posted on Mumset? Has one of your adult children or one of your daughters/sons in law objected to this?

Will they inherit from you?

Divisive?! She isn't their grandmother!!!

These children are only in her life as her own grandchildrens parents split and chose other parnters.

Why aren't the SCs own grandparents paying their school fees ffs.

I don’t think it’s unfair for dsc not to inherit. They have their own grandparents. However it’s up to the person leaving the money to decide.
In France if a dsc is left money it will be taxed heavily.

Step grandchildren do not live with the grandchildren full time. Yes it is an educational advantage but I can't afford to pay 6 lots of school fees and neither should I be expected to.

Circumstances change in life. Parents were paying themselves but then because of job loss, I stepped in. Son in law does not feel it is fair to his four children from his previous relationship.

My PIL payed for a holiday for us. I offered to pay for my own children but she would hear of it. She treats them all the same money wise. Time wise is different as we live far away can't be helped.

I don't expect it at all but it's lovely all the same. The kids even call them nana and grandad.

That's the thing everyone is different. I completely adore my in-laws. If anything I'm closer to my MIL than my own mother and I treat both the same. I'm treated like my in-laws like I'm one of the family and even my parents treat my husband the same as my two brothers. It's how it is for our families and there's nothing dishonest about it. I have a non-existent relationship with my siblings so no presents or texts yet I'm incredibly close to my BIL and SIL and my SIL is truly like a sister to me and and will always go out my way for them and get them presents, cards, regular texts and I'd do anything for them and hold them in much higher regard than my own frankly horrible and useless siblings.

But that's my situation and everyone's is different. I don't have any personal experience of blended families however I have friends who call their step dad their own dad and have zero contact with their biological parents and have been truly accepted by the step parents family.

Families are not black and white and everyone's situation is different and it's impossible to give a right answer.

Yes I think it's is a bit cruel to pay school fees for two and nor the rest .if they a bit olde and established at school I would oay for some after school activities. And as I said my sons will get our money and house hopefully. Therefor it will benefit the girls as well .there father's are my children so therefor they get my things good and dam ugly

Does he think you should stop paying for your own GC, or pay an extra 4 (!!) sets of fees? And did he not give any thought to the disparity between the DCs education before beginning the relationship, or did it only become a problem when your purse opened?

It is cruel? Seriously? I can't afford 6 sets of school fees.

Step children are children that come and can go very easily with no legal responsibility for the stepparent to be able to maintain a relationship.

Polite kindness, presents for Christmas and birthdays.

School fee’s, inheritance, sleep overs, exclusive days out and so on? No I wouldn’t expect as a step child.

Nice if the step grandparents wish to give but shouldn’t be expected.

Thats a silly expectation that majority mothers put on the stepfathers family especially if their child biological father and his family are losers but it’s not their job to pick up the slack and shouldn’t be expected. If they give amazing if not as long as they are kind and polite to the child birthday/Christmas are recognised they are behaving perfectly fine.

Would you be willing to pay for school fees for 2 step children or grandchildren? Compromise your security and funds for elderly care for unrelated children?

Honest to God. Why aren't these children's own family paying it.

I think it depends. If they live with you or if they visit every other weekend are very different scenarios.

Do they have their own GP’s?

My mother never even met my ex’s children (even though they are half siblings to my kids) so there were zero expectations there.

So, it sounds like your 2 grandchildren were in private school and Step GC in state already before you started paying? And it's only now that YOU are paying that SIL has an issue with his DC not going to private school? That doesn't make any sense! I'd say to DD and SIL that you can afford 2 sets of school fees, take it or leave it.

It sounds like SIL is the grabby one here. The Step grandchildren probably wouldn't want to move schools anyway!

i have step nieces and nephews and they are all treated fairly as they are part of the family. No one in my family is treated equally as we all need/ want different things so for example my parents do the childcare for my brothers but not for me as I live 100s of miles away.

they pay one lot of school fees because my nephew was struggling but no one else goes to private school.

as far as inheritance goes give it all to your children and then they can decide.