to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

I don’t like making a distinction between children in that way.

That said, I think your son-in-law should be jolly grateful you are paying ANY of his children’s school fees. It’s a bit rich him complaining in the circumstances.

Perhaps the better question is - is it a grandparent's responsibility to pay their grandparent’s school fees? I think if this false sense of entitlement was addressed, he’d realise there is no “unfairness” - just generosity.

That's how it works in my family, my only remaining grandparent is my mum's stepmother, but she is my grandmother, she treats me the same as her biological grandchildren, if anything we're closer and yes her will states her estate is split equally six ways that includes her 2 biological and 4 step children. When she and my grandfather married they blended their families, all children treated equally.

Same for me, I was never part of 'their' family still not to the point my (D)F left everything to my half siblings and I inherited nothing because 'I might' inherit from my DM. DM let when I was tiny!
My DSS is my son, I have been his Mum since he was 4 and he IS my son and DS's brother.
They will inherit equally, as will DSS's child be my grandchildren.
I'm not making any child feel the way I have felt for fucking ££££. Distasteful and cruel.

He expects you to pay six sets of school fees?

Ok fine you can't afford school fees we get it .private schooling is not a must .as I said I personally would just have them all at public school and save the money for say tutors for the 11 plus and some good holidays together. But then we are all different

It didn't happen but if my mother had had step grandchildren she would not have acknowledged them nor have had any guilt over giving them nothing whilst giving presents to her "real" grandchildren.

No, you shouldn't have to pay school fees for your son in law's 4 children. You say they don't live with him and your daughter full time and I presume they have 2 other sets of grandparents? He and his ex wife should prevail upon their respective parents to pay the school fees not expect you to. Six lots of school fees in untenable.

I think the answer here is if you can only afford two lots of fees you give that to your daughter and they as a family spend it as they see fit

Which means any children of yours who are not step children i.e. your child with current spouse, get way fewer presents than the other children in the family since they only have up to four grandparents and the others have more.

So your DD and SIL were paying school fees for all 6? And you’re now helping out with the two who are your GC, but not the others? Have I got that right?

Some distinctions have to be made. 6 sets of school fees is no small matter. If you have endless finances then you have more options. That is just life.

I wonder are there similar debates between men arguing about how they must pay for another woman's children or grandchildren to whom they are unrelated in the interests of fairness.

Or is it just women who feel duty bound to pay everything for someone else's kids?

They were paying for GC not for the four stepchildren. I am paying for 2 GC only.

I have 4 step grandchildren across two families, all of whom I’ve known since they were tiny. I treat them the same as my other granddaughter, including the odd holiday, gift giving (although I don’t value gifts by price but by the pleasure to the recipients), my time to support their interests if needed. Never occurred to me to do otherwise.

I’ve left my estate to my own kids, and it’s up to them how they pass it on.

They don’t have to, but I do think it’s the right thing to do. When it comes to inheritance, I would probably avoid leaving large sums to grandchildren, instead passing inheritance to the parents instead. That way the assets could be distributed as they see fit.

It isn’t cruel to a child to be given a smaller gift.

My kids are in this position, they got presents from their grandparents and token gifts from the step grandmother (at whose house they visited after Xmas). This is what they had been told to expect.

What’s cruel is setting a child up to be grasping, and putting someone else in a position that you are laying claim to a bigger share of their presents budget than you are entitled to.

I don’t, btw, feel duty bound or obliged to do anything with any of my grandkids, step- or not.

@betnet then you simply say this is what you can afford and what you are willing to do to help it is up to them to decide from there

otherwise all will have to go through the state system

I think as the blended family it’s up to you how to split the household stuff but you just cannot and shouldn’t expect others houses to bend to your blend.

I also wouldn’t take from my own child’s pocket or mouth for someone else’s child regardless my priority is to mine firstly and most importantly. Which most mothers tend to agree with which is why it tends to be stepfathers families expect to cough up for all of her children or else!!!

So SIL was treating his children from his previous relationship differently already? Because he couldn’t afford 6 lots of school fees? But now he sees a way of redressing that through you?

He sounds like a chancer.

It was about not disrupting the GC's education. That is why I stepped in. I am not giving two set of schools fees so It can go towards funding the step GC.

I think as others have said it varies on age and circumstances. My friends children have gone through divorces. This is often very hard on their grandchildren and they really feel for them. When their DCs then set up new relationships this can mean that resources which once covered 2 DGCs are asked to cover 4 or 5 GCs and SGCs. I think it might be quite reasonable to prioritise those you have a blood relationship with whilst doing something nice, but smaller for SGCs.

Are they all going to the same school? I could never continue sending only two to a private school in that circumstance, whilst the others have to move.

So the others never went to private school in the first place? If not, he’s got a cheek.

Yep, proper CF territory this! Bet he's already mentally totting up the inheritance too...