To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

If you don't want to go then just decline the invite. Don't see any issues

Why don't you just go and your husband stay home with your children? Seems like the obvious choice.

They are not being unreasonable for being selfish for their own wedding. They should have the wedding they want and it's very stressful when family members try and make it about them.

Could you answer, original poster, why your husband/partner cannot look after his children? Several posters have asked you this and you have not answered. Also you are a close family so you will not be on your own.
My view is you need a reality check. Not everyone likes your children and not everyone wants them there. You are only seeing this from your perspective.

YABU.
We had 30 kids at our wedding from 1-15 year old, they don't run riot. They all behaved perfectly for the entire duration of the wedding.

But they do cost at least half of an adult place, and often cost the same as an adult. You need a bigger venue, etc.
We made that choice and compromised on the number of families we invited, but it's unreasonable to expect everyone to make that choice.

I think it's a shame to exclude 1st degree family children (brother, sisters, nieces and nephews), but anything beyond that is fine.

Ah the daily child free wedding moan thread although this one is a lot more entitled than most

The OP told another poster to get a grip, maybe they should take their own advice

Their wedding their choice and if you are as devastated as you are coming across that somebody wants an adult event then you would find away to attend without emotionally blackmailing the couple. Because even though you will say you haven’t said anything I have no doubt your feelings will become known to them

OP you need to get over yourself. This wedding isn't about you and what you want, or about hurting your feelings. It's about the happy couple having the day they want. End of.

Because the ops decided the bride thinks she better than by wanting some insta perfect wedding a jab in itself.

So rather than it being a snobby bride thinking she’s better than its reverse snobbery the op thinking the bride thinks and trying to be high and mighty about how children at weddings are more important than the insta’ness.

So yes nothing to do with money or class apart from the op basically trying to imply low classy insta hun bride. But it’s still a type of snobbery.

Oh dear you are really just an entitled parent who thinks their precious children need to be involved in everything.
Thank goodness your cousin is sticking to their decision, you are tiresome

I agree with you op. Very selfish. They want a rentacrowd that conforms to some aesthetic ideal that won’t put a blemish on their ‘perfect day’.

The best weddings I’ve ever been to were about the whole family coming together and having the children there added to the joy, romance and wholesomeness of the day. And dare I even say the sacredness of the occasion.

Shallow demands like these are so sterile and mean spirited. I don’t blame you for binning it off.

'But the part that stings for me is how firm and inflexible the ‘non-negotiable’ bit is.'

It's not really the kind of thing you can negotiate though, is it? They don't want kids there. You want to bring your kids. Either they back down or they don't. Negotiate suggests that there's a compromise to be made, like 'fine, but you can only bring either the top or bottom half of your kids.'

I don't know why you're so upset by the "non-negotiable" comment. No means no. And I suspect she knows you would try to get her to invite your children, which is why she's made it clear from the start.

Either go on your own or turn down the invitation altogether.

You aren't being told they are welcome anywhere they are just not invited to a wedding. I think you are being a bit precious about this. When my cousin got married my child wasn't invited. I was upset about it I sorted childcare so we could go. If we couldn't find childcare I would have went on my own.

Why on earth would they ‘realise that? My wedding way back in the realms of time, was child free, as were the weddings of most of my friends. Never regretted it.

They'd rather you weren't there than put up with your kids. Their choice. You have a choice too. Find a baby sitter or don't go and moan about them. It's their day.

It’s not selfish at all. It’s personal choice and they have the right to make that choice. Some might say it’s selfish to make people feel bad about doing their wedding the way they want it rather than what’s convenient for others.

The wedding isn’t about the family, it’s about the 2 people getting married. They are just inviting you to share that , it’s not their problem if you can’t get a baby sitter

Imagine if someone decided to have a grandparent free wedding as old people spoilt the vibe

I've known it to happen, @Gloriia

There's a grandparent in my expended family who can be completely relied on to demand, moan and strop her way through any event, and if thwarted in any way has even been known to drop to the floor in a simulated "medical emergency" so that the attention returns to her

And unsurprisingly she's not invited to family weddings either ...

I left the kids with my DH for the last children family wedding I went to. I had a lovely time. And I was grateful to be invited and accepted that if kids were invited too, I probably wouldn't have been as the numbers would have been much higher so their cut off for who was invited might have changed. I'd much rather be invited without kids then not at all.

I think numbers and cost is often the main reason for child free invitations, not the aesthetics! In fact people worried about aesthetics often want a flower girl or page boy to dress up like a doll! So I'm not sure why you assume that's the reason. And yes in an ideal world there could be flexibility, but then that's not fair on others guests who have gone to the trouble of getting a babysitter. I personally wouldn't be at all offended by 'family children only', but if that extends to cousins' children rather than just nieces and nephews, I think a lot of other guests may start to be put out.

I'm also not sure why everyone on these threads always makes our child free weddings are a new thing. I can definitely remember my parents going to weddings without me in the 80s and 90s.

It’s not selfish. I didn’t want kids at
my wedding either- best day ever! And I have two kids now and I wouldn’t be offended if they weren’t included

The thing is no one is prioritising aesthetics over inclusion. Child free weddings aren’t about aesthetics, it’s because the bride and groom want to have a nice time with the friends and family they care about and want to see. If I was taking some people out for a meal I wouldn’t be inviting my cousin’s children, and the same goes for weddings.
Your kids aren’t invited because they aren’t wanted, it’s as simply as that.

Agree with other comments OP, they’re really really not being selfish at all, it’s just the decision they’ve made. If it’s a family wedding, so you’ll know plenty of people, just go and leave DH with the kids. Let your hair down, enjoy it. They’re doing absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm having a child free wedding (babies in arms excepted). Not on Instragram or Pintrest.

Loads of reasons but the main one being in my experience parents who think think their child need to be at every event with them, are very little craic anyway, and people won't enjoy themselves the same when they have to mind children. It completely changes the atmosphere. Children don't belong at any occasion where people are drinking a lot anyway.

If people don't come because their children aren't invited, it's their loss, not mine.

One of the problems of children at weddings is that parents often forget to parent, either because they've been drinking or because they're having a good time catching up with friends & family. They also might assume that someone else is keeping an eye on the kids.

I think one of the biggest potential problem is that people have different parenting styles which can lead to friction, which no-one wants at a wedding. But if anyone intervenes it's WWIII.

DB's wedding, his friend's kids were throwing metal cutlery at each other across the table during the speeches, I took a fork off the kid sitting next to me before he could throw it at his brother and their Dad just shrugged and said "It keeps them quiet".

Friend's Summer wedding, posh hotel - kids climbing on statues, running through flower beds, pulling on draperies etc. Parents oblivious.

At my own wedding, I had to intervene as my SIL had threatened to punch my 70 year old auntie's "lights out" for stopping DH nephew and niece playing tag around the band's equipment (band members had already asked them to stop to no effect).

If I was getting married today, I just couldn't do with the hassle

Unless it's your wedding day or you're paying for it, you don't belong in any of the decisions. How obnoxious.

I think it is sad when people don't include children that are family- those wider family bonds can be so enriching for everyone, including future children of the bride and groom.

Ultimately it is their choice though, and isn't against you.

Oh my God you are so ott. You are not being excluded! It's child free you can go, but apparently don't trust your dh to be with your children or you are so freaking entitled that you think your precious dc should be allowed.