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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

160 replies

EWAB · 03/04/2025 15:29

I know this has nothing to do with me before anyone has a go at me.

I have sadly never been close to my nieces and nephews which is a source of real sadness to me. My siblings and I are close but they haven’t been interested in bringing the children together.

My niece is 23 and has spent a long time in The States as sister’s husband often works over there. They have a very different life to us.

My niece is in London studying but is all but done bar her dissertation. She invited me and my sons out to lunch and obviously we asked her what she is doing next. She is going to pursue a doner conceived baby.

This has always been her intention as she wants her children to be only her children. She doesn’t want to share them and doesn’t want a potential stepmother in their life if a relationship broke up.

The fact that she has a fibroid has spurred her to do this about five years earlier than she planned. I am so sad about her reasons for doing this. If it was ONLY because of the fibroids I wouldn’t be that sad.

I know it’s not my business.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 03/04/2025 15:32

Maybe she doesn't realise how hard it is bringing up a baby, unless she will have a lot of family support.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:32

Sounds like she may have psychological issues that might be worth working through with a professional prior to taking this step, is possible.

Obviously this is her choice, but does she have someone close enough to her who can discuss the very real financial, emotional, logistical and practical implications of choosing to be a single mother? Is she well supported?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/04/2025 15:32

Well, yanbu to feel sad about anything as long as you do it privately.

You are, of course, quite right in saying that it is none of your business.

Not sure what else to say, really.

Original poster
EWAB · 03/04/2025 15:36

There are no issues with money and she is neuro typical.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 03/04/2025 15:37

Not sure this has anything to do with your poor relationship with your nieces.

I can’t see anything wrong with her decision, better that than stuck co-parenting with someone who makes it harder for you.

What makes me sad is how badly women’s health is treated that she has to make the decision around something which with the right healthcare is entirely treatable.

CopperWhite · 03/04/2025 15:38

She is making a very selfish choice so I don’t blame you.

BoredZelda · 03/04/2025 15:39

2dogsandabudgie · 03/04/2025 15:32

Maybe she doesn't realise how hard it is bringing up a baby, unless she will have a lot of family support.

Maybe she does realise that because she’s not a child, but an adult, fully capable of understanding the magnitude of her decisions.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/04/2025 15:41

I think yabu

It's a wise choice. If a man made it, ie Christiano Ronaldo, no-one would bat an eyelid.

I wanted to do this. If I had another, I'd use a donor. I really wish I had been wise and strong enough to really choose the life I wanted.

Maybe she'll fall in love and change her mind. But I think that this, for me, is a wise choice. The only detractor is her age for me, she's so young.

Edit - sounds like she has family and friends for support. That's very important, controversially I know - more important than a husband.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 15:41

BoredZelda · 03/04/2025 15:39

Maybe she does realise that because she’s not a child, but an adult, fully capable of understanding the magnitude of her decisions.

Show quote history

She’s 23. Her frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet. I had my first child at 35 and I had no real grasp of what I was letting myself in for. And I was in a happy relationship with a lot of support. She can’t possibly know what it will be like. But obviously it’s up to her to make her own decision.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 03/04/2025 15:42

Sounds like a pretty wise choice to me.

Good luck to her.

As you aren't close at all she's probably just told you a reason, and not gone too deep into all the stuff to do with her health or anything else.

I can't really understand why you're feeling sad, but you're being very wise to keep it to yourself.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 03/04/2025 15:42

Sounds very childish. Too childish to be a mother.

She is speaking of the child as if they are possessions. Hers and only hers. Doesn't want to share. They aren't toys. Never mind what's best for a child.

She'll learn

YourBestFriend · 03/04/2025 15:44

She sounds quite entitled and a piece of work. Maybe it is a good thing that she has not been around that much.

DaisyChain505 · 03/04/2025 15:45

I don’t see what your family being spread apart has anything to do with the subject but YABU to say anything to her about your feelings but with that being said, you feel what you feel.

A large number of women end up bringing up children alone anyways so good on her for going into it by her own choice and having full control.

WilfredsPies · 03/04/2025 15:47

If she’s going to carry on splitting her time between the UK and the US, then she’s probably making the most sensible decision in terms of child custody if a future relationship was to break down.

Children being conceived within relationships certainly doesn’t guarantee that they’ll have access to a father figure. I suspect it would be a lot less hurtful for a child to know that they’ll were desperately wanted by their mother, rather than not wanted by an uninterested father.

My biggest concern for her would be that she has the support she needs when embarking on what sounds like a very intense career and, for the future, has she considered how the children would bond with any future step father and whether she’d just expect that bond to vanish upon the end of the relationship.

But those are thoughts I would keep very firmly in my head, so that the next generation have a chance of close relationships with their cousins. In the meantime, I’d be doing my utmost to build a closer relationship with her, keeping my gob shut at all times unless expressly asked for my opinion.

ThejoyofNC · 03/04/2025 15:50

I think it's absolutely terrible to purposely choose not to allow children the chance to have two parents. It's so selfish and she's only thinking of herself.

DreamyHare · 03/04/2025 15:50

It’s a huge decision to make and I’m sure she hasn’t made it lightly…so I think she sounds like she has made her choice and you should be supportive.

JoyousEagle · 03/04/2025 15:53

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/04/2025 15:41

I think yabu

It's a wise choice. If a man made it, ie Christiano Ronaldo, no-one would bat an eyelid.

I wanted to do this. If I had another, I'd use a donor. I really wish I had been wise and strong enough to really choose the life I wanted.

Maybe she'll fall in love and change her mind. But I think that this, for me, is a wise choice. The only detractor is her age for me, she's so young.

Edit - sounds like she has family and friends for support. That's very important, controversially I know - more important than a husband.

Edited

I think plenty of people would bat an eyelid tbh. And I think they’d bat an eyelid even if the process for a man doing this was the same as for a woman (as in, a man doing it involves surrogacy which has additional issues around it).

pikkumyy77 · 03/04/2025 15:54

What a weird, judgmental, post. Maybe she is not heterosexual, or not monogamous, so waiting to have children with that one right man is not in the cards? Why be so faux grieved over the decision of someone you barely know?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/04/2025 15:56

JoyousEagle · 03/04/2025 15:53

I think plenty of people would bat an eyelid tbh. And I think they’d bat an eyelid even if the process for a man doing this was the same as for a woman (as in, a man doing it involves surrogacy which has additional issues around it).

Show quote history

I don't think so

Maybe the age would surprise people but a man choosing to have his kids via surrogate would elicit sympathy from people

suburberphobe · 03/04/2025 15:58

I wonder if she's thought about all the implications. Becoming a stroppy teenager and being furious with her mum that nothing is known about the other half of her.....

YourBestFriend · 03/04/2025 16:00

Do you really want to be associated with this snotty diva? I would give her a miss, to be honest.

ginasevern · 03/04/2025 16:00

I think it's a shame that an educated 23 year old woman's greatest ambition is to have a baby.

pointythings · 03/04/2025 16:00

I have a friend who did this. She had a molar pregnancy and her long term partner dumped her while she was still in treatment. She has two kids who are thriving. They have several excellent male role models in their lives. It can absolutely work.

Doing it the traditional way is no guarantee of a good outcome.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 03/04/2025 16:00

ThejoyofNC · 03/04/2025 15:50

I think it's absolutely terrible to purposely choose not to allow children the chance to have two parents. It's so selfish and she's only thinking of herself.

In what way does two parents improve anything? Plenty of children with two parents are born without giving a second thought to anything, including whether they are even wanted.

Halfemptyhalfling · 03/04/2025 16:01

You might be able to help and get to know her.