To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

[EWAB]

I know this has nothing to do with me before anyone has a go at me.

I have sadly never been close to my nieces and nephews which is a source of real sadness to me. My siblings and I are close but they haven’t been interested in bringing the children together.

My niece is 23 and has spent a long time in The States as sister’s husband often works over there. They have a very different life to us.

My niece is in London studying but is all but done bar her dissertation. She invited me and my sons out to lunch and obviously we asked her what she is doing next. She is going to pursue a doner conceived baby.

This has always been her intention as she wants her children to be only her children. She doesn’t want to share them and doesn’t want a potential stepmother in their life if a relationship broke up.

The fact that she has a fibroid has spurred her to do this about five years earlier than she planned. I am so sad about her reasons for doing this. If it was ONLY because of the fibroids I wouldn’t be that sad.

I know it’s not my business.

I think this is a selfish choice and would think the same if she was 37. It’s depriving a child of half their heritage because you view them as a possession. But it’s her choice.

I'm not sure I fully agree with this.

I'm a lone parent and it's hard but the idea of only seeing my ds half the week is devastating to me. I've always wanted to be a mother and to be present and involved in my child's life. I think it's incredibly unfair that a man could cheat on you and then you're left with your child half the time instead of being able to see them every day. Having to co parent with someone awful who uses your child as a weapon against you? Or where they have to go to another house for days on end where you know they won't be properly looked after?

My guess is she's seen enough cases where this happens that she's become disillusioned with relationships and thinks this is the best way to protect her future children as she knows she won't let them down.

I don't think that's selfish or treating the kids like they are toys. She's just being extremely pragmatic about it.

I do have issues with donor conception and I do think it's very problematic too but I can't fault her logic when half of marriages end in divorce and domestic abuse is rife.

Do you think this sounds like a rationale choice?

23 is young. She is demonstrating her immaturity in her reasoning and what happened 50 years ago is irrelevant. We live in a different world.

100%

In general men are not capable of the persistent and consistent input that is needed 24/7/365 that kids need or if they are capable of it, they simply choose to not do it. A lot choose to not even run their lives properly before kids are even on the horizon. I'm sure a lot of men say they want DC because they imagine it's going to be a bit Hollywood. The grunt work is rarely done by the man and if it is, it isn't done properly.

Without the man, she will know where her responsibilities lie 100% and no awful MIL either.

Proper batshit responses on here. I think she sounds very sensible. Most men are assholes.

The woman who had a child at 35 and didn't know what it entailed? What? I had my first at 23, planned and very wanted, and knew exactly what it entailed.

As for the person who thinks it's a shame when educated women have babies - some of us are intelligent enough to do both ☺️

Honestly, if I had my time over I would do it your nieces way.

My ExH bowed out and has had nothing to do with DD really since she was 7 weeks old. Single parent family by choice would have hurt her much less than knowing she has a Dad how there who doesn't give a toss about her.

Exactly this. For me having to explain to my ds why his dad isn't in his life will probably be worse than what your neice will have to explain. Never mind the psychological impact we know exists for children going between multiple homes or navigating toxic co parenting situations.

And? I know this is a discussion forum but why are your niece’s choices so important to you? She could do it “the traditional way” and her partner passes away or leaves, and still be in the same situation.

Lots of people manage.

Unfortunately nobody puts children first these days - children are superimposed on whatever the parent(s) want(s) - and then lies are spun to reassure the parent that kids are resilient and divorce has no impact, that blended families are the stuff of dreams with benevolent step-parents looking kindly on the step-brood, that two mums and two dads are just what children need. That single parent by choice is the way to go. We normalise the abnormal, it became the stuff to be proud about, shove in people's faces and then watch them closely, to observe their natural reaction and accuse them of being 'not modern'.

Ditto.

They really aren’t the same things at all.

I thinks it's a bit sad too but find it hard to articulate why exactly. She seems very young to have decided that she will remain single. If she were older and had not met the right person I'd say fair enough but it seems like she doesn't want a relationship at all, ever. That in itself is sad. I'd also be concerned about her motives, wanting to not share her child implies to me that she is very controlling and sees this future little human as her possession. I think many, many women are too controlling regarding their children so she isn't alone there but there will be no one to balance it against.

As some that had two parents I know but one was a POS, I could happily live life with just the one that cared about me (and I basically did, however if he didn't exist I wouldn't have dealt with cruelty of being reminded he actively wished I didn't exist).

There is absoloutly nothing wrong with having one loving parent that went out of their way to have you and thought through the implication of raising you alone and loving you fully.

there are people who have 2 married nuclear family style parents who didn't actually want them (oops baby) and put career and social live before their child leaving them to pretty much raise themselves from a young age. But hey they must be better off because TWO people didn't give much of a shit about them right?

I had my first of 4 at 23 and personally think DH and I did a great job raising them all. My eldest is now a fully functioning, funny, kind and happy adult even though he was a complete accident that we put zero thought into conceiving. OP's niece has at least thought this all through. 23 year olds are really not all the same.

You say this like its something new. All children are here because of their parents wants/needs. Going back even 70/80 years and we had 7, 8, 9 kids in two bedrooms with parents and little means to support. It's swings and roundabouts

Cripes. I don’t want to derail this (important) thread, but that’s eye-opening.

Most women I know, including me, had DCs after 35 so I wonder if this has caused the huge surge in ADHD?

Knowing what I know now, I think she is bloody sensible.

Good for her, a LOT of men are useless at best and abusive at worst once children come along. Then there’s the trauma of having to go back and forward to different houses and step parents. I have step parents I adore and I have my own stepchildren, do I think split homes are good for them? Definitely not and unfortunately step parents can also be abusive, your niece is choosing to take the chance of that happening out of the equation.

It's certainly a theory @Shoezembagsforever when you think about it its a bit silly to think there is no impact to women having children about 10 years later than 2 generations ago, any trend in human development that coincides the timeline has got to be a possible consequence of this.

Brilliant post, and I say this as a long-term married woman with two DCs!!

Us boomers have been called “Late-Victorians” because of the huge importance we place on marriage and families, but the world (ok, women) is now waking up to alternatives that are just as valid and maybe, dare I say it, better.

I personally wish I had done the same and say fair play to her.

I had my beautiful DC young, they are perfect and we’re so close… but the years I spent with their father fighting and abusing me every step of the way while trying to coparent i would absolutely wipe out of my past altogether.

I absolutely congratulate her.

She’s 23. Her frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet. That is ridiculous, women have given birth young for centuries, married by 20.

I had my first child at 35 and I had no real grasp of what I was letting myself in for.
Having your first baby at any age is a life changing experience and something that you can't prepare for, at 23 or 35.

I know a few young single mums who are bringing up a child with lovely lifestyle.
it’s her decision not really going to affect you.

She sounds very sensible. Be happy that she's putting a lot of thought into her future.