To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

[EWAB]

I know this has nothing to do with me before anyone has a go at me.

I have sadly never been close to my nieces and nephews which is a source of real sadness to me. My siblings and I are close but they haven’t been interested in bringing the children together.

My niece is 23 and has spent a long time in The States as sister’s husband often works over there. They have a very different life to us.

My niece is in London studying but is all but done bar her dissertation. She invited me and my sons out to lunch and obviously we asked her what she is doing next. She is going to pursue a doner conceived baby.

This has always been her intention as she wants her children to be only her children. She doesn’t want to share them and doesn’t want a potential stepmother in their life if a relationship broke up.

The fact that she has a fibroid has spurred her to do this about five years earlier than she planned. I am so sad about her reasons for doing this. If it was ONLY because of the fibroids I wouldn’t be that sad.

I know it’s not my business.

Women contemplating this should watch DNA secrets and see the angst that not knowing their father ,and sometimes mother , causes people for many years . Of course relationships fail sometimes but to choose this route is very selfish.

Relationships failing is not a 'sometimes' thing though, is it? It's a 50/50 shot. And in a world where (mostly) men get away with not supporting their children when the relationship breaks down, I wouldn't blame any woman for going it alone.

As a previous poster has said this sounds very immature to me, she needs a pet not a baby. To do this at 23 is very odd. Should looking into freezing eggs not going the whole hog alone.

Agree. Freezing her eggs at her age would probably be quite worthwhile, unlike when you get into your thirties. It’s very sad and cynical at her age to be thinking she will never find a decent man to have children with.

I don’t think it’s sad or cynical at all. Picking a man to have children with is one of the biggest gambles of your life. 1 in 2 marriages will end in divorce and you only need to look on here, or simply look around you, to realise that most of the remaining marriages are miserable and the husband rarely pulls his weight. Deciding to have children by yourself is an incredibly sensible decision imo. She may meet a man down the line who is somewhat half decent, but at least her parenting of her child won’t be affected if this relationship breaks down, she can just move on with her life with her child without the interference of a useless man.

YANBU and yes, I think it's sad. But she's old enough to make her own choices, though no one really knows what being a parent is like until they are one.

IMO having a dad who is divorced from the mother is better than no dad at all. But it's also rather cynical to assume a marriage will fail - many do, many don't, but sad to assume at her age that she won't find someone to parent with.

👆🏻this with bells on quite honestly! If she has the means and ability to bring up a child well on her own I don’t blame her and I say that as a step parent to a lovely teenager who is very much influenced by and compliant to their other parent and her mother, it’s incredibly sad to watch and is history repeating itself as her mother has kept her so close that it ruined her relationship with my DH and has gone on to ruin her marriage (she is now living back at her mothers with all three children).

The things parents do their children can sometimes be incredibly unkind, I think that my DH’s coparenting relationship and, as such, his sons wellbeing would be so much better if his ex’s mother was not around. The sad thing is that her ex husband tells us that she totally acknowledges the power her mother has over her, but can’t seem to find the ability to break free of it.

So, to be honest, don’t be sad for you niece, celebrate the fact that she is switched on enough to realise the world has changed and this way forward is a better option, if, like I say, they can still maintain a good quality of life.

Has she had any bad experiences in her life that have brought her to this decision - you mention she doesn't want a stepmother situation and obviously doesn't want a biological father in the picture which is fair enough, but reasons like that would maybe come from someone who has been hurt by a biological father and stepmother - or is aware of stereotypes and what usually happens. Is there more to it do you think?

Agree Op. Seems sad for her and also her future children. Hope she’s not anti relationships to the extent she influences her childrens thinking in any way. They’ll miss out on a lot if they don’t entertain the idea of a healthy supportive and affectionate relationship of their own way off down the line. Seems a bit sad and cynical I must say.

Did you miss the part about her having fibroids? If they are significant already at 23, all the frozen eggs in the world won’t help her have a baby in 10 years time if her uterus is full of fibroids.