To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

[EWAB]

I know this has nothing to do with me before anyone has a go at me.

I have sadly never been close to my nieces and nephews which is a source of real sadness to me. My siblings and I are close but they haven’t been interested in bringing the children together.

My niece is 23 and has spent a long time in The States as sister’s husband often works over there. They have a very different life to us.

My niece is in London studying but is all but done bar her dissertation. She invited me and my sons out to lunch and obviously we asked her what she is doing next. She is going to pursue a doner conceived baby.

This has always been her intention as she wants her children to be only her children. She doesn’t want to share them and doesn’t want a potential stepmother in their life if a relationship broke up.

The fact that she has a fibroid has spurred her to do this about five years earlier than she planned. I am so sad about her reasons for doing this. If it was ONLY because of the fibroids I wouldn’t be that sad.

I know it’s not my business.

Are you sure you want to share this on-line op? You’ve included a fair bit of identifying information.

I wouldn’t want to have a child this way, but your niece sounds like she has thought about this for a long time and that she knows her own mind. I wouldn’t presume to judge anyone’s decisions about their own fertility either. Also, she obviously has strong reasons to fear relationships breaking down.

I find it slightly uncomfortable that you are inviting opinions about a decision that is not really yours to share, despite your disclaimer in your op.

If you are seriously wanting to have a deeper understanding of your niece’s motives, then why post on AIBU and not relationships? Or why not just return her kind lunch invitation and talk to her some more without dc present?

If you have misgivings about her youth, then those concerns should be addressed with her directly and sensitively.

If you don’t feel close enough to her to offer her advice or an opinion, then you need to sit with your unease privately.

This is very identifying OP and an emotive topic that has the potential to blow up/end up being picked up by Daily M.

YANBU to feel ‘sad’ (you can feel sad about anything), but I’m not sure what it has to do with your distant relationship with your nieces - are you saying if you were closer you’d tell her not to do it? I doubt she’d listen to you either way tbh.

My advice would be to sort out the fibroid issue first.

She has plenty of time to decide what to do about a baby , but her health , her career and financial security would be my priorities.

Out of curiosity why do you think this is a shame? I was once a 23 year old educated woman as well, with my own apartment which I bought and a flourishing career, and yet still the one thing I wanted more than anything was a baby and a family. It took me 13 more years after that to finally have my child and I would absolutely consider him to be the best thing that ever happened to me, and nothing else compares. So I guess in a way it was also my “greatest ambition”. People are different and can look at things in different ways, it doesn’t necessarily need to be a shame

i know plenty of people who’ve chosen to be solo parents or who’ve done it alone for the vast majority of the time and do just fine.
it’s her life and if she wants children but not a relationship that is a valid choice.

She’s 23. Her frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet.

This argument gets made a lot on Mumsnet and I'm afraid it's complete nonsense. It's a really prevalent myth but has no basis in fact.

www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development

OP, I don't really see what there is to be sad about, although obviously some feel differently and of course you have a right to hold that opinion. I understand the concerns people have about this kind of thing, even though I don't share them.

However, your niece is an adult and there isn't anything you can do here, and presumably you want to continue having a good relationship with her, so I think for the sake of your own mental health and your relationship with your niece, you need to accept her choice as something she has a right to make. I don't think there's anything to gained from dwelling on it.

I know two women who have done this and it has worked out amazing. 23 is quite young so that would be my only concern, other than that it can work out really well and better than the alternative. it works well when they are financially independent, hence my concern about her age.

This trotting out of ‘your brain isn’t fully developed at xx age’ really needs to stop. Brains are ALWAYS still developing.
also, I had my first child at 22 and knew exacrly what I was letting myself in for because of my previous life experiences. Age has nothing to do with it.

@YourBestFriend

She definitely doesn’t come over as a diva. We did speak about the impact on the potential children, she just said all kids fight their parents on something l, that as well be this.

@ginasevern

I don’t think it’s her only ambition, it’s one she has brought forward because of her health.

If your niece is determined to have a baby now a donor is probably a good idea. Better that than many of the deadbeat men we read about on MN who father children. At 23 though she does have time to find a decent man hopefully.

She’ll be better off than many on Mumsnet.

I wouldn’t judge or be disappointed.

I am sad I think because she has a poor expectation of relationships, that’s it’s almost inevitable that they will break down and the man would be an obstacle to her parenting.

Ah sorry OP I just realised your niece has health issues also so maybe doesn’t want to wait. I conceived naturally at 29 with Fibroids so there is hope.

I’m married with children, but know so many women who raised children as single parents, as their marriage or relationship ended when their children were still young.

They almost all say it’s so much easier than doing it with a male partner!

So because you had no idea what was coming, she can’t possibly have?

I was 34 when I had mine, I had a good idea what parenting involved.

Having children is more important to her than a relationship.

I know plenty of women who got into/still in relationships purely because they wanted children.

I think accepting this and doing it on your own is very brave.
It doesn’t mean she needs to be single forever, but her partner would have no parental responsibility.

I would be upset if she’s planning on doing it soon though as she seems very young to choose to be a single parent.

Mind your own bloody business.

That’s utterly ridiculous. She has a medical condition. If she waits to meet someone, establish a relationship, hope they want children as soon as soon as possible then try to conceive naturally, she could miss her window of having children at all.

Look on the relationship boards and read the dozens of threads where one parent has decided he doesn’t want to be a dad anymore and buggers off to relive his youth with another woman.

Her children are never going to feel that they weren’t wanted, or that there was something wrong with them that meant their dad didn’t love them.

She’s not selfish.

It’s such a difficult situation, but it really is her choice.
one thing though, it won’t be only her baby. It will have half of someone else’s DNA and that will impact in many ways.
also, having positive male role models may not compensate for the sense of loss of identity which can be devastating for some children of donors.

I'm sorry, but I had a chuckle at doner [ke]baby 😄

You are absolutely unreasonable. I have had a donor conceived child and don't regret it. This doesn't mean if haven't had or won't have relationships. As you said it is none of your business how your niece live her life or the choice she makes. You may want to investigate why you are sad and support your niece in her choice, especially if you want to forge a relationship with her.

Why? My children are far more interesting and fulfilling than my job and I have a pretty interesting and fulfilling job.

You really think all 23 year olds properly think through the full and lifelong ramifications of becoming a parent?

I think it is an unusual choice, but not a bad one. By the time the baby is born, she will be in her mid-twenties, so not that young to have a child. Her life won't end because she has a baby, she will have to change her ambitions and plans around the baby, but presumably that is okay with her because she wants this so much. As other posters point out, having a partner is not always a help and carries its own stresses with it. In any case, having a child doesn't mean she will be single forever, so she may well find a partner later, but without the strain on feeling time is not on her side when it comes to having a child. So all in all, and assuming she has really thought it all through, then I think good for her.

I think it’s bloody wonderful that she’s got the choice.

Expecting women to forget about children in order to pursue a career is not that far removed from expecting women to forget about a career in order to have children. When a woman is making choices for her future based on what she wants, rather than what is expected of her, then that’s a success story.