To be sad about reasons behind niece’s choice

[EWAB]

I know this has nothing to do with me before anyone has a go at me.

I have sadly never been close to my nieces and nephews which is a source of real sadness to me. My siblings and I are close but they haven’t been interested in bringing the children together.

My niece is 23 and has spent a long time in The States as sister’s husband often works over there. They have a very different life to us.

My niece is in London studying but is all but done bar her dissertation. She invited me and my sons out to lunch and obviously we asked her what she is doing next. She is going to pursue a doner conceived baby.

This has always been her intention as she wants her children to be only her children. She doesn’t want to share them and doesn’t want a potential stepmother in their life if a relationship broke up.

The fact that she has a fibroid has spurred her to do this about five years earlier than she planned. I am so sad about her reasons for doing this. If it was ONLY because of the fibroids I wouldn’t be that sad.

I know it’s not my business.

It’s her choice but her baby will still be shared with a childminder, school teachers, family etc. It may be an immature view or the result of trauma? 23 is young to make that decision but it is her life.

This sadly. She does sound like she may have issues or it may at least be worth her talking through with a professional to understand why she feels so strongly in this way.

She is very young. I thought I knew everything at 23 but in reality I knew nothing.

It’s not irrelevant at all. And she is no more selfish than you are short sighted and judgemental.

The biggest problem I see with this is identity issues the child might have. Knowing where you are from is hugely important. I think that's where I'd be steering the conversation if she brought it up again

I don't think it is sad at all. No need to judge her for it.

She will presumably need to work to finance some of her plans and be prepared to answer any questions a potential child may have in the future - assuring them that they are just as wanted and loved as other children.

I know a couple of single parents with no involved fathers for various reasons and there don't seem to be any issues so far. That's not to say that there never will be of course, but all appears OK for now.

If your niece does become pregnant then a bit of family support from those around her wherever she has settled will not go amiss.

Why do you think having a child having a father guarantees them a dad?

But we’re not 50th are ago, and life has changed a lot since then - for a start, she may well be the only 23 year old mother she knows.

Adults are much “younger” than they were back when they basically turned into their own parents at the age of 21.

I don’t actually think having children young is a bad thing, I merely question that she hasn’t thought it through properly.

If that has been her life experience so far then I can see why she might think it better and easier without a whining man-child under her feet.

Well given the utterly shit blokes who are outed on here on a daily basis with many women ending up as default parents or single parents anyway, I say fair play to her for cutting out that bit! She wants a baby and doesn’t want to mess around for years hoping to find “the one”. Who might well turn out to be a wanker anyway.

I know a young woman in this position, distant family. I'm not sure exactly how old she is, possibly early to mid-30s now. She has a full time job in a medicine adjacent field with a work-site creche. (Not NHS)
A few years ago she decided she wanted a baby but hadn't had (or wanted to have) a relationship, it seems. Her siblings were all settled with partners and DC.
She went ahead with the donor assisted conception and had a baby but sadly the child has a medical condition. It's a bit unusual I think but it affects their development.
I'm trying not to judge but the vibe I am getting is that she has not gotten the child she wanted, so is going ahead with a second donor assisted pregnancy.
It's sad on several levels. Principally for her existing child and but also for the one that is coming along soon. What will happen if this child is less than perfect in its mother's eyes too?

It is a valid choice and even sensible given that most relationships fail.

I'm not against having children or denying the joy and love they bring or the fact that you can still pursue a great career. It's just that she's still very young. At 23 she's still got a lot of living and growing to do. Places to see, people to meet, things to experience and explore. I'm sorry but with the best will in the world, motherhood is the ultimate responsibility and it seems a shame to assume that role at such a relatively young age.

I know what you mean in the sense that some children don’t have second parent around due to relationship breakdown and failure to co parent, or bereavement, or even because someone had donation as increasingly their only option. But your niece has said she would not be prepared to share a child which denying her potential child the chance to have two parents purely for her own selfish reasons. However if the health issue has come along at such a young age then I guess she may not have much choice anyway if she doesn’t have a partner. Could she freeze eggs to keep options open?

Will she be using donor eggs too?

When people make bad choices they are opening themselves up for judgement.

I can understand why you feel sad, so would I. Your niece might change her mind. Lots of people conceive babies with a fibroid, I'm sure she hasn't been told she is infertile but, as you say, she has other reasons; she is cynical about relationships.

The girl is still young and not yet in a position to make a home for herself, never mind a baby. A couple of years could make all the difference, especially if she fell for somebody really nice.

I wonder what has caused your niece's cynicism? We all know of broken marriages and relationships, step-parenting and its difficulties but there are many relationships that work well with both parties committed to their children's welfare. Something has influenced her.

Whatever, op, there's nothing you can do about it except be a friendly, nice aunt. I know little about the guidelines for donar conception but would imagine she'd be considered too young for a few years.

Also valid for her aunt to be sad about it. As long as this is not projected onto her niece's child when it comes along.

Given some of the threads on here about lazy feckless men, I can see where she is coming from.

I know five different women (from different parts of my life) who have had children as single mothers using donor sperm. Their children are happy, active, well-rounded.

I agree with a PP, if I had my time again…

I see posts on here literally every day where women are bemoaning their partners and ex-partners for sucking at coparenting- not picking kids up on time, buggering off to the gym instead of helping out, making selfish financial decisions etc, if not actually being downright abusive, which I see a lot too. I think choosing to solo parent can be a sane and wise decision for a lot of people if they have the means to do so.

I think 23 is very young though, and she should take her time and enjoy being young. Escpecially seeing as she is opting out of the pressure to date and find a man to start a family with, there is no rush.

There's a whole single/solo mothers/parents by choice community out there which I imagined she's engaged with. You only have to spend 5 minutes on the relationship board to see how easily men can leave and forget about their children.

Of course your niece might meet a partner but, like many people, she may not. Good luck to her.

This. I thought I was so grown at 23 🤣🤣🤣 had my first (and only at 35) and it still knocked me for six just HOW much responsibility it would be.

I think you’re completely right. I’d go as far as to say if it wasn’t for all women, especially since TikTok and YouTube shorts/fb videos sharing their experiences maybe at 23 this woman wouldn’t be as jaded but maybe this is a better alternative for women to be mothers and raise children happier and knowing what they’re getting instead of a partner, even long term one becoming an insufferable nightmare once they’ve become a father.
I saw a woman recently say “nobody fights harder for shared custody than a man who’s never done a bath time” and it really struck a chord with me, my DC’s father couldn’t have been any less helpful or any more selfish but he made it clear if I left him he’d want 50% custody.
I agreed to never make a CMS claim and he doesn’t even want DC on EoW but when he did have DC he was a colossal pain in the arse, from letting DC get so badly sunburned I had to leave work to take them a&e or the time he left DC in the pub and forgot him.
I wish I could say this was my fault for not knowing him long enough but I did, he had been a wonderful uncle to his nephews and terrific partner. The minute I had his child he became the most entitled monster. Sadly this isn’t a rare tale.

Although I know many women who happily raised young children on their own after their relationship ended, the fathers paid adequate support. But I think your niece will be just fine without this support if she has just one child.

Her choice, but a sad one as she never knows what her future holds. I was a mum at 16, he is 31 now. Yes I did miss out on my youth, but guess now is my time to play catch up. No regrets for me but I was glad when my DD turned 17 last week and didn’t repeat my choice. It’s not what i’d choose for her.

I was just coming here to say that