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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

117 replies

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:05

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever.

Few examples:

  • work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years.
  • family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time.
  • cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point?

All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 03/04/2025 14:06

I've never been married. Was engaged to my first partner for ten years. Now been engaged for 7 years. Just not on my list of priorities.
Also have 5 children

Lottapianos · 03/04/2025 14:07

And presumably loads of money spent on a ring but no savings or stability behind them. Crazy

I think engagements are daft full stop

user1471457354 · 03/04/2025 14:07

Just as well it is none of your business!

For what's its worth, I got engaged a good few years ago, booked the big wedding and Covid ruined that so we had to cancel however in the meantime we have chosen to prioritise other things.

Sofiewoo · 03/04/2025 14:08

What a weird post. 3 people you vaguely know who didn’t immediately get married after getting engaged and one is happy to state it’s because they need to save more for the wedding they want.
You’re very judgmental about something that’s nothing to do with you.

WaterMonkey · 03/04/2025 14:09

Each to their own. Most cases I’ve seen like this have started out with the intention to marry soon but other, more pressing stuff has happened in the interim. I don’t see that it matters either way.

DenholmElliot11 · 03/04/2025 14:09

I think they kind of like the sound of it and but just didn't think it through or realise how expensive it all is.

HerbieFluffyDumpling · 03/04/2025 14:11

We didn't bother getting engaged, I couldn't see the point, we just got married.

A colleague has been engaged for 15 years and her DP doesn't want to get married, as he's been married before, so why get engaged? 🤔

Parker231 · 03/04/2025 14:11

DenholmElliot11 · 03/04/2025 14:09

I think they kind of like the sound of it and but just didn't think it through or realise how expensive it all is.

Setting married is very cheap. A big wedding isn’t.

ShhhItsJustMagic · 03/04/2025 14:12

DH & I were engaged for 4 years before getting married, why is a longer engagement weird?!

CornishTiger · 03/04/2025 14:13

Huge difference between getting married and having a wedding. Depends what’s more important I suppose.

Bluesclues1 · 03/04/2025 14:13

We had a 2.5 year engagement because none of the venues we liked had availability due to the covid backlog! Gave us more time to save and book our preferred suppliers. Also meant everyone we invited could attend.

Editing to add that we both wanted a big fat wedding, have the money to do so and it’s nobody else’s business what we spend our money on. These threads always bring out the anti wedding miseries.

Chersfrozenface · 03/04/2025 14:14

Just as long as both parties realise that being engaged means nothing legally, unlike being married.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/04/2025 14:14

I personally didn't see the point in getting engaged unless we could actually make plans to get married. Long engagements make sense if you need to save up or wait to get the venue you want but we didn't want that either.

Coconutter24 · 03/04/2025 14:14

I think you’ve answered your own question in the examples you’ve given. They can’t afford the wedding they want yet.

Original poster
SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:15

Bluesclues1 · 03/04/2025 14:13

We had a 2.5 year engagement because none of the venues we liked had availability due to the covid backlog! Gave us more time to save and book our preferred suppliers. Also meant everyone we invited could attend.

Editing to add that we both wanted a big fat wedding, have the money to do so and it’s nobody else’s business what we spend our money on. These threads always bring out the anti wedding miseries.

Edited

But that's a completely normal length of time between getting engaged and being married? I'm not saying people should be married within 6 months! Presuming you would have set a date etc and been planning it during that time.

I'm more referring to those couples who get engaged and then kind of just put it to the back of their minds and 6,7 years later they're still engaged and no further forward with it....

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 03/04/2025 14:16

Why do you care?

Let them do what they wanna do.

Maybe they want a dream day and can't afford it.

Maybe they want to get nagging parents off their back or it's a lavender relationship.

Who cares?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/04/2025 14:16

😹😹😹 I got engaged about six months after I met DP. We got married 26 years later.

It was useful to me as a sign to other men that I was not interested ( can’t think of a more tactful way of expressing this, I’m watching Aintree), he liked it …..well, it was his idea.

Still married 17 years on.

So I don’t dislike long engagements….

Indyschoolq · 03/04/2025 14:17

Completely agree. Perfectly fine to not be bothered about marriage - but to want all the fuss of engagement with no real intention of a getting married… makes no sense!

Also know a few of these couples and sometimes it seems like they think engagement makes them more ‘serious’ or ‘official’. They also tend to go on to have kids. A lot of them end up breaking up or living separately indefinitely.

MammaTo · 03/04/2025 14:17

We got engaged in 2019, was renting at the time so a house deposit took priority for savings and then covid happened. We eventually got a mortgage and then after a year or so in the new house got pregnant and had a baby. All the events that happened after the engagement seem to out weigh the need or want of a wedding.

DenholmElliot11 · 03/04/2025 14:18

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:15

But that's a completely normal length of time between getting engaged and being married? I'm not saying people should be married within 6 months! Presuming you would have set a date etc and been planning it during that time.

I'm more referring to those couples who get engaged and then kind of just put it to the back of their minds and 6,7 years later they're still engaged and no further forward with it....

Show quote history

Loads of people put loads of stuff off all the time. Not just weddings.

How many people do you know who are "looking to buy"?

Original poster
SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:18

MammaTo · 03/04/2025 14:17

We got engaged in 2019, was renting at the time so a house deposit took priority for savings and then covid happened. We eventually got a mortgage and then after a year or so in the new house got pregnant and had a baby. All the events that happened after the engagement seem to out weigh the need or want of a wedding.

I mean each to their own and this is just my opinion, but why get engaged when you're saving for a house etc and don't have the money to get married? Just curious to be honest...

OP posts:
Rewis · 03/04/2025 14:19

Obviously it is one of those live and let live situations. But I feel like a lot of couples use engagement as a way to prove they're more serious than non-engaged/married couples. One of my colleagues has been engaged for 25years and I gave to say that I internally giggle when she talks about her fiancé instead of partner.

Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 14:21

I’ve been engaged for a while and I’m certainly not young. The wedding is going to be put off for longer then we thought for various family and budget reasons. DP and I have large families and so we want a big wedding. They cost money. I like being engaged. My engagement ring is sentimental and I like the commitment. Why do you care?

Coffee62 · 03/04/2025 14:21

I got engaged in Jan 2022 while we lived in a rented flat. Around £200 spent on ring. We wanted to wait until we had bought our house and got settled in, which we have just done and been there 6 months now. Now planning to marry Jan 2026.
For us it was about the fact we were very focused on saving any money possible for a house first rather than using it on a wedding. Even the ceremony alone costs £££!

Cloudyvibes · 03/04/2025 14:22

My sister got engaged then a year later fell pregnant then 3 more kids followed and money was tight and they had responsibilities etc so marriage went on the back burner. They finally got married last year after 14 years of being engaged. Life happens, just go with it.