Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

[SpringMonx]

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever.

Few examples:

• work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years.
• family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time.
• cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point?

All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

Weird to have an opinion? This thread is full of opinions. It's an opinion based site. Anyone can have any opinion they like on another's life choices. Mostly we wouldn't share them in real life, because who wants to be that person, but on MN? No talk guidelines broken, it's just a chat.

I find it very difficult to get exercised about the choices people make in their private lives that are not harmful and that have nothing to do with me or my family. Such as when/where/how they decide to get married, or whether do at all.

You missed out the second part of my comment. The amount of people on here opining on when and how people should marry is truly bizarre. Fine, have an opinion on how you organise your own relationship but truly being bothered about other people’s personal life choices is odd.

This ⬆️.
It's just a discussion, no one is being harmed!

The people calling a promise made out of love between a couple pointless, embarrassing, all for social media, meaningless, daft etc.

We are in our fifties, not living together but engaged with no plans to marry, he suggested getting engaged two years ago, my mum was near end of life and he knew it was important to her to see me settled, we only told immediate family members and I choose an alternative ring. It just feels important to have the commitment, not really sure why but it works for us

Where was harm mentioned? It’s not harmful, but it’s bizarre to me why people care so much.

I think for some people it’s just a stage in their relationship, and for some it can be a long process.
It wasn’t what dh and I wanted, we got engaged after 6-7 years and married about 18 months later.

What's the problem? You don't like their opinion, ignore it. I'm sure that you're an intelligent, functioning adult woman and you'll make your decisions that suit you. It's fine. People just want to join in the chat, I don't think anyone has been rude or personal?

My friend is in the same position…they’ve been engaged for 16 years. I’ve no skin in the game and really don’t care, but an engagement is traditionally meant to indicate a couples intention to marry. So if you have zero intention to marry, then just live together, surely?

In my friend’s case, he ‘proposed’ after an ultimatum was issued by her…’either you propose or we are over’. They had been together 6 years by this point and she really wanted to get married, but he didn’t. The ‘engagement’ means nothing…he still won’t get married 🤷‍♀️

I'm not personally getting concerned though? It's just something I've noticed recently and wondered what other people's thoughts are.

I was chatting to my colleague earlier about her son's engagement which was last June and she said 'oh nothing they have no plans' and that was it. Just prompted me to think about it as I've come to realise that actually that's not an unusual thing these days to hear, as in to get engaged but then to have no plans to marry.

I personally just find that quite odd, you don't have to get aggy with me if you don't agree, I don't mind if you don't agree!

I agree, OP. 'Engaged' is short for 'Engaged to be married'. All it means is you've agreed to get married. Engagement and marriage aren't two entirely separate types of relationship. The one is simply a precursor to the other!

Well, I don't think it's bizarre, either. Whatever you do, don't go on any of the toilet brush threads or questions about having a seperate evening wedding do!
Those get very intense 😄!

Most important - especially if people live together, share income, buy property and especially if they have children - is that bith parties know that an engagement has no legal bearing and means nothing if you then split up, or one of you dies.

You need to have a will and/or other legal documents in place to protect yourself.

Its a strange one.
My (ex?) Husband - i say that although we are still legally married has been engaged to his partner for coming on 10 years now and he still has not started divorce proceedings yet. Not sure how i would feel about that tbh

I’m not aggy in the slightest. I just had no idea people were so nosey.

Several people have explained their reasons now though for having long engagements. Do you still think it’s odd? Or are we just going to let people live their life.

Now I'm going to say that's a little strange? Do you think he's dragging his heels for a reason?

Presumably the divorce would cost him? Doesn’t want her to get her due? My mother’s partner of 30 years is still married to his wife for that reason. My mother’s screwed when he dies.

It sounds they are using words engagement /fiance to express exclusivity and intention to remain together long-term in a way everyone can understand. Fine with me.

While marriage can be done cheaply, many people see a wedding as an unique opportunity to plan a big event with friends and families. If they understand that the legal status doesn't come without marriage, it is totally their choice when and whether they plan their wedding.

So what's the point of an engagement? Nothing legal about it.

That's terrible. Your poor Mum.

Do I still find it strange? In some cases yes.

For example (as you asked) I do find it odd that people who are saving for a home, i.e renting or living with parents, would get engaged first. Because genuinely, what is the point? Surely proposals are better when you are settled together in the home you want to live in for the foreseeable? I'm not saying you have to buy a home to be engaged, but if that is your aim before getting married, then what is the harm in waiting? Then when you get engaged, you can actually enjoy it knowing you have your home and can start looking at venues getting excited together? Once you put things on the back burner, I just think they are no longer as exciting or as special, but I appreciate that's my personal opinion and clearly not everyone feels that way.

She’s a total horror, actually. She enabled my abuser for years. But if it’s happening to her then I would assume it’s probably happening to decent women out there too.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that 💐. Horrific.
You're right though, it's happening to other women.

Thanks for that. Hope I didn’t come off as chippy - not my intention.