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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

117 replies

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:05

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever.

Few examples:

  • work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years.
  • family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time.
  • cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point?

All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

OP posts:
Fancycheese · 03/04/2025 14:22

SpringMonx · 03/04/2025 14:18

I mean each to their own and this is just my opinion, but why get engaged when you're saving for a house etc and don't have the money to get married? Just curious to be honest...

Show quote history

Why not get engaged? I wasn’t aware there was a time limit.

TheDandyLion · 03/04/2025 14:22

6 year engagement for us. It hasn't happened yet because he wants the wedding and I've told him he needs to organise it. I'd just be happy with the signing of the register.

Ellie1015 · 03/04/2025 14:29

Fall in love, get engaged.

Decide to prioritise house deposit, takes longer than expected As big deposit needed and houses are expensive.

Ready to have kids and prioritise that over expensive wedding.

Wait till nursery fees are done and wedding more affordable.

I dont know anyone who saved for a wedding before getting engaged. Dh and I were lucky with low house deposits and met young so didnt want children for a few years.

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 14:31

Each to their own.

Spiaggio · 03/04/2025 14:33

I think for some (younger) people it’s a ‘stage of commitment’ like ‘being exclusive’ or ‘living together’, rather than an antechamber on the way to marriage.

I mean, I’m married and have never been engaged.

pizzaHeart · 03/04/2025 14:33

WaterMonkey · 03/04/2025 14:09

Each to their own. Most cases I’ve seen like this have started out with the intention to marry soon but other, more pressing stuff has happened in the interim. I don’t see that it matters either way.

This^
By the way we were engaged for about 18 months before marriage but it was in good olden days when weddings were a bit simpler - we didn’t even get engagement rings and we struggled to organize a hen do for work and money reasons so we went without.

At the moment the expectations are much higher - I know you can do it in a budget way but there are lots of expectations and it feels like you are missing out if you don’t do this and that so I’m not surprised that people wants to show their commitment with engagement but then struggle to save for a wedding.

KimberleyClark · 03/04/2025 14:35

Spiaggio · 03/04/2025 14:33

I think for some (younger) people it’s a ‘stage of commitment’ like ‘being exclusive’ or ‘living together’, rather than an antechamber on the way to marriage.

I mean, I’m married and have never been engaged.

Or sometimes it’s sticking plaster when the relationship already has cracks. Like getting married or having a baby can be.

WaterMonkey · 03/04/2025 14:36

KimberleyClark · 03/04/2025 14:35

Or sometimes it’s sticking plaster when the relationship already has cracks. Like getting married or having a baby can be.

Show quote history

True.

TY78910 · 03/04/2025 14:41

This is like the reverse of those ‘he won’t propose to me’ threads where everyone piles on saying ‘if he didn’t propose within a few months he doesn’t want you’. There is no particular timeline that works for everyone’s situation. Some people push for proposals are they’re nice and a ‘sign of commitment’ but then have no actual funds to have a wedding they envision. Some people hold off to have the means to do it and get called unreasonable. It is what it is

HellDorado · 03/04/2025 14:42

Cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

This seems perfectly reasonable to me. They want to get married, can’t afford it yet, so are waiting. What do you want them to do - formally break off the engagement because they haven’t set a date yet?

Pleasecanyouadviseme · 03/04/2025 14:44

It's a "shut up ring"

MissyB1 · 03/04/2025 14:44

Spiaggio · 03/04/2025 14:33

I think for some (younger) people it’s a ‘stage of commitment’ like ‘being exclusive’ or ‘living together’, rather than an antechamber on the way to marriage.

I mean, I’m married and have never been engaged.

Yes, the original meaning was "engaged to be married", instead some couples now interpret it as you said as a stage of commitment.

We didn't even get engaged, we made a decision to get married, and 4 weeks later we were!

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2025 14:45

To be fair I imagine a lot of people are in this boat now because of

  1. covid
  2. crazy cost of living increases in the last 5 years

If you got engaged 5 years ago you could have at that time been able to put away some money each month for a wedding but now that mortgage/rent is up, utilities are up, food shopping is more expensive, suddenly that’s impossible.

godmum56 · 03/04/2025 14:45

I guess simple answer is because they want to.

TheNightingalesStarling · 03/04/2025 14:47

Their life, their choice.

I don't understand not getting married just because you ate pregnant though.. . Surely the extra financial protection before maternity leave, part time hours or a period at home (if that's what they chose) is more important then.

TY78910 · 03/04/2025 14:48

TheNightingalesStarling · 03/04/2025 14:47

Their life, their choice.

I don't understand not getting married just because you ate pregnant though.. . Surely the extra financial protection before maternity leave, part time hours or a period at home (if that's what they chose) is more important then.

Come on, many women wouldn’t want to be a pregnant bride. Also SMP doesn’t stretch very far so you’re having to subsidise living from your savings.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/04/2025 14:50

I agree op.

When we got engaged it was because we were ready to get married. DH asked in June. Between June and November I organised a wedding and chose a ring. When the engagement was announced, the ring was on my finger and when people asked when we were getting married I could say: day, month, next year, at 3.30pm. It's all sorted.

Wildywondrous · 03/04/2025 14:56

I think sometimes a very long engagement happens when people can't think of anything else to do for birthday/Christmas/valentines day or there will be a relationship where one party is mentioning marriage a lot and the other isn't ready for the commitment so they agree to get engaged to kick it into the long grass.
I understand unforseeable life events can happen such as covid but I don't see the point in getting engaged unless you're committing to be getting engaged to be married.

sumor · 03/04/2025 14:57

It was 2 years for us and we were starting to get flack about were we ever getting married - we'd been together 6 years before engagment - and wanted more but were in different parts of UK.

I think we both needed the extra commitment - but it took DH job changing and me having issue with my work - not bad just them being very demanding - for us to think fuck it and set date and move to new location and marry.

Took another 2 years after that to start on kids we'd both said we'd wanted near start of relationship.

It was a very basic wedding just close family and registry office - and we paid for it and tried to keep costs down as saving for house - that took till after first two kids.

I think Dsis twice got enagaged - as relationship was in trouble and twice had accidental pg - ended up single Mum both times.

I think everything gets stretched out as everything costs more so it's started to be seen as a stage all by itself.

Fatrosrhun · 03/04/2025 14:57

My friend got engaged ten years ago. They couldn’t afford to get married for a while, she didn’t want a quick registry wedding (not saying she wanted to spend a fortune, just not completely basic). Then by the time they’d saved they had a household disaster and needed a new bathroom, then the roof needed fixing, then his kids went to uni and needed money. And so it went on. And by now they’re just fine as they are. But even if it never led to a marriage it was a commitment to them anyway. Can’t say it bothers me that they didn’t.

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/04/2025 15:02

Being engaged means you agree to marry someone. It doesn't mean that they agree to marry within a specific timeframe - some people do it quickly and some people don't. People are different.

Pinacolada007 · 03/04/2025 15:03

I’m going to start off saying everyone is different, some people like the engagement but aren’t in any rush to get married. Some people are happy to wait 5,6,7,8 plus years before getting married. That’s fine.

Things happen, you get engaged after falling in love then you get pregnant - you suddenly don’t have the funds to have the wedding you want so put it off, you prioritise a house etc

My opinion, is that I never wanted a long engagement. My DH knew this early on. Of course things happen, but I always knew I only wanted to be engaged if we would get married soon after. Some of our friends had been engaged for years, and I knew that wasn’t for me. We were engaged and married 6 months later.

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:03

If you want to get married, you get married. Life happens to everyone, but I think if you put it off for years, there's a reason..
That said, nowadays it doesn't really mean anything much, so a state of permanent engagement is a choice.
I never got engaged, we had no money for a ring. We just got married. It's all what works for you.

Pinacolada007 · 03/04/2025 15:04

Pinacolada007 · 03/04/2025 15:03

I’m going to start off saying everyone is different, some people like the engagement but aren’t in any rush to get married. Some people are happy to wait 5,6,7,8 plus years before getting married. That’s fine.

Things happen, you get engaged after falling in love then you get pregnant - you suddenly don’t have the funds to have the wedding you want so put it off, you prioritise a house etc

My opinion, is that I never wanted a long engagement. My DH knew this early on. Of course things happen, but I always knew I only wanted to be engaged if we would get married soon after. Some of our friends had been engaged for years, and I knew that wasn’t for me. We were engaged and married 6 months later.

Also adding to my comment. It’s only an issue if the man proposes with no intention to get married soon. My friend got engaged, excited to start wedding planning, for her fiancé to tell her actually he didn’t want to get married until his mid 30’s (10 years after proposing basically!!)

CatrionaBalfour · 03/04/2025 15:05

Pinacolada007 · 03/04/2025 15:04

Also adding to my comment. It’s only an issue if the man proposes with no intention to get married soon. My friend got engaged, excited to start wedding planning, for her fiancé to tell her actually he didn’t want to get married until his mid 30’s (10 years after proposing basically!!)

Show quote history

Yes, we've seen that on these threads a lot!