Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

[SpringMonx]

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever.

Few examples:

• work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years.
• family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time.
• cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point?

All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

Yeah, that’s just future faking. I’d walk.

YANBU. It’s so pointless.

People are either in a relationship, or they are people who are actively planning a marriage/wedding.

They are two very different things.

Proposing and putting a ring on a woman’s finger does not make you any different to any other couple unless you’re actually making plans to marry each other.

I don’t get it either I’d rather just go into the registry office and get it done rather than be engaged for years on end. Then again I think marriage is more important than a wedding I had a small enough wedding which would have been even smaller only for my husband wanted a bigger thing.

Calling somebody your fiance/fiancee thing makes me cringe a bit.

A family member got engaged on her 2ist birthday. Over 40 years later they're still together but never married.

Why is this taxing you so much?

He left her for someone else after having 2 kids with her

It seems to be taxing quite a few people judging by this thread. Strange when it literally has no impact on anyone apart from the couple concerned. Oh well.

What a fucking prince.

With very few exceptions when people say there is no need for marriage, one wants to and the other is keeping their options open.

Open ended engagements work much the same way. One can be happy they are engaged but actually there is no commitment.

Mumsnet can be so joyless. I presume it's a promise to each other, a declaration of intention, a declaration of love. It's a lovely harmless thing between a couple really isn't it? Not everybody has to rush to the altar like a pregnant woman in the early 1900s.

There’s a lot of pressure to have a big wedding which is so expensive. I think some people don’t want to give up the idea of a big wedding but then don’t want to have to pay for it either as other things are more of a priority. I had a tiny wedding (12 people) with registry office and a meal and it still cost about £2500. We could have waited and gone big but I want an extension instead.

I got engaged and then married a year later however my personal view is that people are barmy to have children and THEN get married. Surely that is the wrong way round. And dont get me started on people who dont do wills either, have children and are not married.

They are massively exposed and whatever you think about marriage it gives you financial benefits that you really dont get if you arent.

My relative has a complex situation whereby she was living in another country with her boyfriend (who she called her common law husband!). He had children from previous relationships. She never didnt have any. No wills - just nothing. She then came into some inheritance and that pushed her into sorting herself out.

When I talked to her she seemed to assume that because she had been with her partner for nearly 30 years if the worst happen she would just keep everything and vice versa.

I think engagement has a different meaning nowadays. For some people, it's still an "engaged to be married in the near future" meaning but for a lot of people, it's now pretty meaningless and is literally just a man buying his partner a pretty ring usually followed by showing off on social media.

I agree with a pp that it's embarrassing when people use the term "fiancé/fiancée" for their boyfriend/girlfriend of 10 plus years.

Life happens and there's always going to be a job loss, unexpected pregnancy, etc but if you're engaged to be married, you just book the registry office and get married. If you can't be arsed, then it's fine to not be engaged and stay in the relationship.

I know some people see it as a sign of commitment but I don't understand that. All it does is show people that your boyfriend likes you enough to buy you a nice ring. If it's not backed up with a date to get married then it doesn't really mean anything.

Who is "joyless" on here? People have different opinions, that's all.

I imagine people do it to show an extra level of commitment and promise to each other which exceeds being 'just' a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'.

Live and let live I say.

Why not do it? You’re agreeing to make a long term commitment to each other, both sides know what they want out of the relationship, it’s is good to have that settled in your mind.

I’ve never been in a long term relationship (say 5 years +) with someone, is there ever a point in those relationships that a couple sits down and says “I want to be with you forever” which doesn’t involve being married? Otherwise the relationship would be a bit up in the air, wouldn’t it?

Why is it the wrong way round? I was 35 when I got pregnant and we weren’t married. What should I have done? Shot gun wedding? Aborted the baby? It wasn’t wrong for me at all. And I’ve got a second one on the way, also unmarried. Pass the smelling salts!

Weird to have an opinion on someone else’s life choice that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever and isn’t harming anyone.

I don’t want to book a registry office. I want to a big wedding with both sides of mine and DP’s family there, which involves people travelling half way around the world. Is that ok?

It is all feeling a bit ‘gatekeepy’, isn’t it?

Everyone has opinions on everything though! It's called being a human being. I'm sure every single person, including you, has at one point in their life had an opinion on what someone is doing, even if it doesn't affect you personally? It doesn't make people bad, it just makes people different. Hence asking what people's opinions were on this, and judging by the poll, it's very varied indeed.

It took us 10 years to get up the aisle, we’re both quite list but we both lost our fathers, we moved house twice then we eloped and just did it. DH has social anxiety so wanted to just go to a registry office, the we thought about wanting a photographer and I wanted a wedding dress (i always have as I’m really girly). We found the prefect wee place went there, get supplies witnesses and we got married on a Scottish beach.

My mum's best friend is still engaged to her fiance - after 50 years together. Very happy together and just never got around to it.

Another friend of mine got engaged in her early 20s. She thought they'd have to get married so she could stay in the UK. That wasn't the case. They are very happy together but wanted to avoid all the drama and awkwardness with bringing two families together from far away who can't speak the same language.

for a lot of people, it's now pretty meaningless and is literally just a man buying his partner a pretty ring usually followed by showing off on social media.

🙄 This nonsense needs to stop. People don’t make life decisions just for social media fgs.

I agree with a pp that it's embarrassing when people use the term "fiancé/fiancée" for their boyfriend/girlfriend of 10 plus years.
My brother was engaged for 15 years before they set a date. His relationship has lasted far longer than the one with the woman he met and married and divorced over 5 years. Why should he have been embarrassed to be using fiancée?

I know some people see it as a sign of commitment but I don't understand that. All it does is show people that your boyfriend likes you enough to buy you a nice ring. If it's not backed up with a date to get married then it doesn't really mean anything.

I’m sorry your relationships have been so bad in the past.