Why get engaged if no plans to marry in the foreseeable future?

[SpringMonx]

Just that really. I've noticed a large amount of couples recently, the majority being in their mid to late 20's who have got engaged but actually have no plans to marry anytime soon whatsoever.

Few examples:

• work colleagues son got engaged Summer last year but they're currently renting with no savings and no plans to marry for a number of years.
• family friend has been engaged (since they were 24) and have been for over 10 years now and have had 2 kids in that time.
• cousin recently got engaged (27), they have little savings and went to view venues but thought it was all too expensive and not going to make any plans now as they can't afford it.

There are countless other stories I've heard as well. I'm not against marriage at all, but I don't understand these young couples who get engaged with no money or stability behind them and then moan it's too expensive and just carry on living the way they are with no intentions that I can see of savings towards getting married, or even contemplating doing it on the cheap? What is actually the point?

All just seems a tad daft if you ask me!

No worries 🙂!

@Ecocool we were getting married but then covid happened then there are now things we are prioritising instead. It will happen just not at the top of my list of priorities.

I do have a will and a mortgage though

Not sure why rent or savings were mentioned, neither are anything to do with getting married.

Getting married isn’t expensive. It’s the big weddings that are. I know lots have people that have got married on the cheap and had a party at the local pub or a friend’s big house instead of an expensive wedding.

Normal to you.

We didn't get engaged til we were in a position to afford to plan the wedding. We didn't have a particularly expensive one but it wasn't exactly "cheap" because we have massive families.

But I know a few people who got engaged even though they couldn't afford the wedding they wanted. They did it because they wanted to have the extra level of commitment in their relationship, and also wanted to have a "proper" wedding.

It's not that hard to understand.

Have you seen the cost of buying a house these days? People don't want to wait til they can afford a house before they do anything because they may never do anything.

The get engaged, extra commitment, because it's a thing they can do. A life experience they can have. And then if a wedding is lower on their list of priorities financially, what does that matter?

At the end of the day, as long as people know the pros and cons of being married vs not married, plus accept and understand them, it does matter to no one but them.

Its only when they think it doesn't make a difference, and their situation changes, it becomes an issue.

‘Engaged’ just sounds ridiculous to me, anyway. You are either married or not married. And might be planning to marry.

We are not living in the C17th where ‘engaged’ was the result of contractual negotiations over land and dowries.

I suppose I tend to think that people who get engaged but don't make any plans to actually get married aren't as serious about it as those who do. That's just an opinion in my head though, I wouldn't actually say that to a couple in that situation.

Why bother to get engaged why not just get married?

I always think it's a shame when the marriage is being delayed purely due to finances. Especially when the cause of this (expense of babies, house purchases etc) means that the legalities of marriage might be especially valuable. Personally in these cases I'd think the couple would do well to just get married cheaply but delay the big fancy wedding for when there's more cash available. As others have said, a wedding and a marriage are two different things.

But quite often it’s absolutely the opposite. The friend I mentioned before has been in a solid relationship with her fiancé for 18 years, despite never going on and actually getting married. She doesn’t call him her fiancé, but does wear her ring. I’ve got other friends who had big flashy weddings but didn’t stay together more than a few years.

Sometimes it’s for appearances. It makes the relationship seem more serious, committed and happier to outsiders and I think, especially for women, they like the idea of being special enough to be proposed to. Loads of people I know have got engaged years ago and never actually got married, most have split! A lot of men also do it to keep a woman. It’s future faking, essentially.

Other times priorities change, kids come along or whatever and they don’t have the money or the headspace to think about a wedding.

It’s not that difficult to work out why people don’t follow through. A wedding feels massive to a lot of people. They can talk the talk but then can’t walk the walk when it boils down to it.

We were engaged for seven years. We'd planned a long engagement, but didn't mean it to be quite that long. Ring was cheap and second hand, and I suppose it was more of a symbolic personal commitment to each other. We saved to buy a house together then organised the wedding.

I think a long engagement to save for the big wedding you want is a very sensible choice if the alternative would be stick it all on cc and get into debt.

We got engaged with every intention of marriage but a very close relative died very soon after.
It took every bit of joy and excitement of being engaged or thinking about a wedding away.
That was a few years ago now and being engaged is just one of those things now.