Medical costs for step daughter's son

[redwhitegreen]

I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

For me it would depend on the condition.

But I bet it’s something like ASD as there are all sorts of bollocks ‘cures’ being peddled in at her countries.

In which case it’s a hard no.

YANBU

I wouldn’t trust the NHS doctors, several people treatments abroad were successful after they’ve been written off by NHS, now it depends on the child condition
Is it really “ extortionate “? I’m fairly used to Eastern Europe medical systems , haven’t seen anything that’s classed as “ extortionate “. Turkey it’s a much popular medical destination and I haven’t really seen any treatment exceeding 100k and that’s life saving ,long term conditions.
Loads to take into consideration, amount of savings, how much your DH wants to contribute, etc but at the end of day I wouldn’t be happy if I could help my DD because my partner doesn’t want to, she’s still his daughter regardless of their relationship.

I think I’d be the same as you, op, especially if the treatments are unproven.

I would find it odd to provide a mother day card for my dad wife. That being said, I don't expect anything from her and I wouldn't to receive any money or large gifts from her. Ultimately, she is not my mum, she is my dad wife.

If the NHS aren't offering or recognising these "treatments" then they need to be taken with a strong pinch of salt. It drives me mad when parents launch gofundme's to take children abroad on quack doctors who are only in it for the money.

I would expect DH give whatever he sees fit, but I certainly wouldn't be adding back to his pot or enabling a lifestyle that negates the consequences of his decision. And yes it's likely to affect your retirement plans if he can't travel/join in with you. It's a shit decision whichever way he goes with it in truth. I feel for you both.

I would suggest that he should help his DD most by getting specialist doctors to agree what treatments will help.

We don't have step kids, so if I imagine it's say one of our nieces or nephews, then our contribution would be linked with likelihood of success. We wouldn't spend all our savings on 1% chances like we would if it were DS, but we would work an extra year or two happily if it was at say 50%. The tricky bit for you is that your DH is at the x% level and you are at y%... it might be worth thinking through where each of your levels actually lie, and compromise from there. It's possible that you're both closer than you think, if you link it to expected outcomes... and helping his DD not waste money that could help the boy in 5 years with some other proven treatments is actually important too.

It might worth considering separating someone of your combined particularly if you don't have children. If your step-daughter hasn't been unpleasant to you, it may to stay out of any issues with father and daughter. It possible that your step-daughter treatment of her father is related to to her upbringing.

I think you need to split the retirement money now, especially if you have put pretty much equal in and if your husband wants to give to his daughter, he can do so from his share and as much as he wants

I know you say this would impact you, however I think if I was in his position, I would massively resent you if I couldn't give as much as I wanted, and had available to my child. But equally, if I was you, I'd want my money protected.

We would split the savings in two. Dh would decide with his half what to contribute and continue working if he wanted to - with my support. I would retire as planned and offer a small contribution to the pot that felt comfortable to me.

I would want to see some proof the treatment worked.

If its the stem cell therapy for cerebral palsy, the costs are eye-watering!

I can see how he wants to help his daughter and his grand child. Is there any amount you would be ok /able/comfortable with contributing? If there is ( and it’s going to be totally a personal choice) then I think he has to accept that number.
completely get that the number can also be zero given you have no relationship with her

unfortunately with new fangled medical treatments the efficacy is unknown, the costs can quickly mount up and if it’s not one then it will be the next, so stating upfront what you can give ( and nothing more) would help to prevent the slow slide to being a bottomless money pit

You're getting a really hard time here from some posters as is typical for stepums.

I don't think either of you have an obligation in the circumstances you've presented e.g. experimental unsupported treatment in the UK

You might have to accept your DH wants to do this and take it out of his part of the money and he deal with the impact. If that means you get holidays without him that's on him

So how much are we talking @redwhitegreen

The OP won't say. She's been asked a few times.

It would depend for me on many things can your seperate your retirement funds ?
he can contribute as he pleases out of his money.
who has a bigger amount in this “ retirement “ pot because if his is higher and you don’t rent to contribute and decide to split finances then you will still be worse off. we paid a substantial amount of money for treatment in another country for DD and never regretted it for a second. My parents didn’t hesitate to contribute because they could.

Oh Lord, What a problem to have.
Can you have a meeting with both DH and the child's parents and discuss how much the treatment is and how much they are hoping you will donate? This is your chance for both sides to manage their expectations.
They cannot expect everything your husband has (and shouldn't be asking for any contribution from OP) but similarly they might just be asking for a few thousand.
Also ask them if they are willing to share their research re the efficacy of the treatments.

If it was my grandchild and it was for lifesaving and proven treatment, I'd do anything to help but I couldn't support quackery and give money to charlatans.

I know that in certain circumstances, where a proven treatment will save a child's life the NHS is wonderful. I personally know a family where a surgeon was flown in from Germany to complete lifesaving surgery on a 7 year old. If there was an effective treatment out there I'm hopeful it would be offered.

I agree with your worries. I personally think your dh should decide an amount he can afford from his savings rather than your retirement funds if possible. But either way what ever the amount he should give half what he can afford as he has two children and this isn’t a life threatening condition and it is entirely possible his other child might also need financial help urgently in the future.

also I think once the amount is calculated your husband should wait to be asked directly for help rather than offer as it might push his daughter towards going for the treatment abroad if she is gifted money for the purpose. Good luck and I hope it all works out ok.

Be very clear with DH that you do not agree to a penny of your funds being spent on this.

If you have a suspicion that he would unilaterally take money out, I would be taking my share of savings out and putting it in my own account.

It’s not the case though
there is loads of treatments not available here that work wonders but you have to do your research. We go on about the NHS being wonderful but it’s so behind in reality that some places.
the condition my daughter was both with has a 50 percent mortality rate in the uk in the first week of life. When I was 28 weeks pregnant her chances dropped to 0 here.
in other countries it’s a 90 percent chance of surviving.
we left the country when prevent to give birth in a place that gave her the best chance. Had surgery whilst pregnant and she survived.
we have travelled for treatment now 3 times for 3 different things and never regretted it.

Two signatures required for any withdrawals!

I wouldn’t do this. This will give the step-dd foresight that her father wants to pay.

South America notorious for offering treatment which could well be just coloured water.

With respect, it may well turn out to be a fantasy if your husband decides to offer the money. From what I can gather, the retirement you have in mind seems to be contingent upon him not offering any substantial financial support to his daughter (you have already said that, even if he gifts it from his half, it will impact you). It’s by no means certain that he will prioritise your retirement plans over any request for help that may come from her (mindful that there’s not even been a request for help yet). Presumably the fact that your retirement plans might now be called into question is precisely the point of the thread?

I can imagine how it must feel to observe what you perceive as unfair treatment directed at him by her, but ultimately it’s up to him to decide whether he finds that acceptable or not, or whether it’s bad enough to prejudice his decision to offer help - it’s between father and daughter, as hard a pill as that might be to swallow.

I’m not sure I ever suggested that you were either younger or the ‘other woman’, but happy to be corrected.

The emotions around this are bound to be very strong for your husband, I don't envy him.

Also, it's clear you can't be more open about what the illness and possible treatments are which limits the advice he can give.

A good place to start would be for him to read as much proper, evidence based documentation he can find on the condition itself and the possible treatments. This potential treatment may be bullshit, or it may be helpful but not accepted by the NHS for cost reasons.

Do you know any qualified doctors socially, who could help point him to where the information can be found, and help him to interpret him?

Google is not helpful unless he's good at parsing irrelevant and biased information himself, or has a science background.

The bottom line is, he needs to be sure in his own mind that the treatment is or is not worth it. Not jumping in on a guilt basis, because if it's BS then nobody wins, his daughter and family get their hopes up for improvement and he's down a lot of money.