Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

That’s good. DH and I have a joint bank account, we can transfer funds without each other’s agreement. Sounds like yours is different and I’m
glad to hear it.

Good example.This is something where the specific clinic really matters, and where I would happily fully fund it 100% for a niece or nephew in some clinics but 0% in others. The DD really has to be evidence led and risk a couple of years of rhe GS development to get the right treatment (but the right stem cell treatment is very likely to work).

I think in the thread the poster is referring to, the bio mum wasn’t on the scene and the step-mum did everything for her step-child

Would the treatment give him any quality of life or just keep him alive bit longer meaning he’s suffering?

Would the treatment give him any quality of life or just keep him alive bit longer meaning he’s suffering?

OP has said his condition isn't life threatening.

I'd be extremely wary of expensive "treatments". I have a chronic condition, and I can totally get why people look desperately for cures, as it's easy to feel very neglected by conventional medicine, where the actual fact is there's only so much it can do.
I've seen people fall prey to all sorts of alternative therapies, including stem cell therapy, treatment for "chronic" Lyme disease, dubious parasite treatments, overpriced vitamin regimens, the list goes on.

There is no way I'd be pouring my one shot at a comfortable retirement into that.

Is your father deaf, blind and dumb? Is he even a father?

That is quite a description of your stepmother while staying silent about your father who is your actual parent.

She gets the blame for persuading your father to let you stay in an abusive home? Does he not have a tongue? Clearly HE didn't care about you. Why does she have more accountability than your father who silently stood by and did nothing?

It is not difficult to see the woods for the trees. He is your father. She is your stepmother. If they get divorced then you would be unlikely to see your stepmother again but the likelihood is your relationship with your father would remain.

Some women still choose to blame other women 🙄

Sounds really difficult for everyone. I can understand your DH wanting to help but there needs to be a lot more open communication first. Between you and him and between you both and stepdaughter. If you have saved enough that a finite amount would not impact you hugely but would be significant in helping then that would be a way forward.
If it would be spent on a proven treatment which is available in say the USA but not here that would convince me more than dream chasing especially if the dreams got more alternative and the demands kept coming.
How would your husband feel about offering some ongoing help with a long term condition, maybe financial help with a holiday each year, a contribution to physio or other therapy, practical help with care once you are retired?

I don’t need you to tell me my father doesn’t care about me, thank you. I know that only too well. I have no relationship with him to speak of. He has no backbone and was easily led by her. Is that always the case? No. Does it excuse him? Certainly not. But, in my case, she’s no innocent party. Just as he chose his actions, she chose to make those nasty phone calls and all the other things that I witnessed first hand that she did with no gun held to her head forcing her to do them. She is cruel and manipulative in her own right, and I won’t be gaslit into thinking otherwise by someone who doesn’t know my situation.

I’m not the type to ‘blame all women’. Nor am I under the delusion that all women are nice people, so you can miss me with your sanctimony and your little emojis.

Doesn't sound like Jane’s even hinted about you paying for it yet, so do what you’d do with any other large cost, and talk about it.

If it’s not life-threatening and more of a ‘nice to have’ then get them to set up a GoFundMe, jointly donate £5k and lend a supportive ear. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Yes, I do think it’s odd the way some folk are framing it as either giving them nothing or having the retirement fund utterly decimated. OP, is there an amount you would be happy to gift for this (assuming it isn’t snake oil, which I totally agree would be a waste of money)? Or is the principle of giving any money at all the issue?

He has no backbone and was easily led by her - he is an adult who is responsible for his own actions.

I do not doubt she is no innocent party but all the responsibility lies with your father. I am sure she didn't hold a gun to your fathers head. He made his own decisions. Yet you describe her as cruel and manipulative. He is just described as someone who is no backbone and easily led.

Misogyny🙄

So it seems

Is the treatment a one of thing? Your husband need to consider if this is a valid treatment and it does have the desired results, is it something that needs to repeated periodically.

Jane needs to fundraise in some way. Your husband contributing to it is fine, but it should not be on him to fund the whole thing.

if it doesn’t work, Jane will be pressuring him to fund the next treatment she thinks her son should have.

@Blondeshavemorefun I don’t think there’s even been an actual request for money yet, so perhaps OP doesn’t know and that’s part of what’s making her anxious.

My describing my own situation as it really is isn’t misogyny just because it reflects badly on her, and it’s really manipulative (and misogynistic, ironically) to suggest that it is. Sometimes women take a lead in situations like this. They are quite capable of that. My mother was my abuser. That’s nobody’s fault but hers.

I’m not taking any more time to explain this to you when I don’t have to, or to help you hijack a thread in order to grind your peculiar little axe and fly the flag for shitty stepmothers everywhere. Perhaps you need to reflect on why you’re so quick to go to bat for a bad person you don’t even know, and to attempt to bully someone when they talk about their own experiences of a traumatic childhood. I’ve had a lot of therapy and have spent a lot of time reflecting on and articulating this reality as an adult with the help of professionals, and I don’t need validation or help ‘reframing my trauma’ from an unpleasant little nobody on the internet.

Now sod off.

Would this unproven treatment be a one off or would it be ongoing? I'd simply say no to my DH. If the treatment worked and had proven results my view might be different but I'd refuse to fund my retirement savings on to a treatment that is invalid with no proven benefits.

I wouldn’t want to give anything and I know I sound awful for that.

instead of treatment could you put an amount in a bank for him for when he’s older?

what’s the improvement been so far with the extra treatment?

There hasn't been any extra treatment yet, as far as I can see.

That’s a good point tho why not say that in the op ?

No there hasn’t been a request, Jane is considering overseas options and DH has mentioned (to me) that he may wish to help financially.

And yes, this has made me anxious. I have no idea about any potential costs, except this sort of thing is rarely cheap?

Sam has a well known condition, it’s equally well known there’s no cure yet.

Talk about axe grinding. Take your own advice.

@redwhitegreen so has he thought of the consequences of donating a chunk of his pension to grandson?? what will he do when he runs out of money? will he then expect you to fund his holidays etc with your pension fund??

That's the million dollar question (no pun intended) .......

Sorry, OP -

If this were a proven treatment, it could possibly be available more economically in SA or EE than elsewhere. If it is only available in those places it not likely to be effective.

Could you persuade DH to research the treatment with a mainstream private consultant in the UK before committing his
££££?