Medical costs for step daughter's son

[redwhitegreen]

I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Anything related to stem cells is by and large as useful as fairy dust.

i would not be paying for anything to be done in South America that is not approved in a LOT of medical journals. Most of it is a waste of time designed to fleece unsuspecting patients and families.

"If Jane were my daughter, I would only encourage her to look for things that our doctors recommend."

@redwhitegreen & @CaptainMyCaptain just picking up on what you've both said, NHS treatments, being state funded, are actually behind many other countries in many areas. You only need to look at the famous example of Ashya King and the proton beam therapy. They had his parents arrested for taking him abroad for treatment that the NHS didn't provide, and the stubborn doctors refused to 'allow' them to take their own son elsewhere, yet then years later finally started the treatment on the NHS.

There are numerous examples that I can think of off-hand where the NHS haven't provided various treatments, then 10, even 20years later have finally started doing them where other countries had been doing them as standard for decades.

Obviously, we don't know the details in this case for privacy reasons, but just because the NHS doctors don't offer these treatments, doesn't mean they are quackery.

If you have any doubts about your DH giving her money behind your back, I would consult a solicitor now and consider filing for divorce.

I would also be withdrawing your half of the savings into an account he can't touch and explaining that you would like to ensure your half of the savings are protected from this lunacy, you can't borrow for retirement, and you will not work until you die so your hard earned retirement money goes to someone who means nothing to you, frankly.

I would say put the oxygen mask on yourselves first so you can help out long-term (for sensible things) indefinitely.

You married a man who already had a family. You live in cloud-cuckoo land if you think this would not have an impact on him.

Sam is his grandchild and has a medical condition.

What do you want your DH to do?
Do you want your DH to walk away from his grandchild?

What your DH does will be ultimately his decision.

As you are so concerned about your finances, you should take the advice of posters here and separate your finances. This will protect your savings.

It's a difficult one as we don't know the condition, the cost of the 'treatment' and even if it were successful how much material difference it would make to the DC and their family.

I do know a family who had extensive stem cell treatment in the States for their severely disabled DC. Cost ££££££, some initial improvements. The DC is still severely disabled and needs 24/7 care. I think they are glad that they did it as at least they are not wondering 'what if?'

The treatment is not available on the NHS, and it looks like it’s not available in the UK private sector either, or the family wouldn’t be thinking of sending the child to the other side of the globe for treatment. As neither the NHS or private providers here offer it, it does look to be dodgy.

In the case of Ashya King, the NHS was sending patients abroad for proton beam treatment at the time but doctors didn’t think in Ashya’s case that it offered any extra benefits to conventional radiation treatment. The decision to install the first proton beam machines in NHS hospitals was taken before the King case.

It's hard to say how much is appropriate to sacrifice without knowing more about the medical condition and potential benefits to his grandchild... but the relationship with his daughter (or even if she's an absolutely terrible person) are irrelevant.

I think any decent person would want to help their grandchild in this scenario if there was the possibility that it could drastically improve their quality of life.

I'm my late husband's second wife. People are prone to assuming that I was the OW, particularly since I'm 20 yrs younger. In actual fact, his ex had acquired a younger boyfriend (but not quite the same age gap).

I'm fairly certain, however, that the ex conned the adult children into thinking that she'd been deserted.

I became more acceptable to the children after I'd gifted them money (not a huge amount, but significant for me) and then had become their father's carer. Even so, their mother always came first (over their father). The penny still hasn't dropped, in spite of the fact that their mother is now with Man No 4.

I'm hoping that it's not the same for all women in the position of being a step-grandparent, but I found myself being expected to step up to help others, but without any help being reciprocated.

I have a child with a non-life threatening condition. I looked at many possible treatments when they were younger. I used to put them into Google with the word "scam". Very few non-standard treatments survived the google test. My son has done fine with standard medical treatment and some lifestyle modifications. There are some perennial treatments that have no scientific backing which I notice popping up every so often over the years. The other thing about these treatments is that some apart from doing no good they are potentially harmful and/or unpleasant for the child.

If he wants to pay for his grandchild's treatment that's up to him.

@DuskyPink1984 proton beam therapy was already available funded on the NHS for kids at the time of the Ashya King case.

He didn't meet the criteria as the benefits of proton beam over standard radiotherapy were not there.

Of course the international centre that delivered the proton beam told his parents it was much safer/ better etc. but the evidence on which they did so did not hold up to analysis by the UK technology assessment committee.

The delay in treatment brought about by the seeking of alternative therapy could have seriously impacted his survival.

I work in paediatric healthcare I can think of at least five kids who have been taken abroad for dubious treatement where it hasn't helped or has actively harmed them. Private providers are selling their services. Their analysis of benefit is not aways robust or impartial and some of the charities have confirmation bias in their advice because if you've spent ages fundraising for your kid to go to X centre abroad you have to be quite brave to come back and say actually it made fuck all difference.

Just tell him he can take what he wants from his side and hold off his own retirement until he replenishes the funds. It’s the only fair way if you’re unhappy contributing.

Cuba had to develop its own medicine because of the US boycott and as a consequence has remedies for some conditions that other countries don't have and uses health tourism as a source of much needed funds.

How much would the treatment cost? Would you have an issue if your husband offered half of it rather than the whole? Would he be happy to change his early retirement plans?

Not funding experimental, possibly useless medical interventions is not "walking away from his grandchild". It is an entirely sensible and cautious approach to take in terms of finances yes, but very likely in terms of the child's welfare also. Throwing money at things does not equal love/care.

No joint gifting. Nothing from your share. But if he gives from his share he needs to do so without the need to be subsidised by you when you retire. There are 5 other parties who can also contribute the DD, her Mother her DH and his parents.

None of us can really answer as it depends on the amount of money required, what this amount represents as a part of your retirement savings and how likely the treatment will bring a benefit (I know you know this).
I guess the conversation with your husband should go along the lines if how much he wants to contribute and whether he reaches a limit or if for him there is no limit. You have to decide whether you want to contribute at all and if so how much. If you say an absolute no to him contributing, I think that would be hard for him to hear.

This assumes that OP would be OK with them receiving the money if it were for something other than dubious experimental ‘medicine’, which is by no means clear. The main objection seems to be that Jane has not treated OP in the way OP feels she should have, and that parting with the money jeopardises the carefree retirement of OP’s fantasy.

I think, as a first course of action, OP should disentangle her finances as far as possible from those of her husband. But in the longer term it seems like there needs to be a bigger conversation about whether her and DH have the same priorities and intentions for their coming years. It is not unreasonable for OP’s husband to want to prioritise his child and grandchild’s welfare over his wife’s retirement desires. He’s had this daughter for a while now, and presumably OP knew that when she married him. Equally, OP would not be unreasonable to want to end the marriage if she couldn’t live with her husband’s decision. It’s possible this is going to prove to be an insurmountable difference between them.

I'd agree with posters who think separating out finances more is a good idea.

Because it's not just about this specific treatment. Like other posters, I'm sceptical at an unproven treatment in Eastern Europe or Latin America, particularly if it's something that isn't even offered in the UK privately. It's possible DH will feel the same on further research.

However... this isn't likely to be the last request. DSD is understandably feeling worried, willing to consider a lot of options and doesn't have other obvious sources of family funding. So even in the best case scenario that it's a no here, DH is on board and it doesn't cause too much trouble, it's also likely to come up again.

This. I work with many biomedical researchers. Believe me, if there were an effective treatment for autism, it wouldn't be available only in obscure places. It would be front-page headlines around the world.

Stem cell treatment can be dangerous in the wrong hands. You don't want damaged cells introduced into your body.

If the parents really believe in this they can get second jobs to fund it themselves, or a bank loan. Not ask for a handout from people who are near the end of their working lives.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, but then again I would never mingle my finances with anyone else.

I don't think you should base your decision on whether your stepdaughter is nice or not. It's your dh's grandson who needs help; not his mother, and he shouldn't be punished for her actions or attitude However, I wouldn't pay for quackery. If the treatments are unproven just in the sense of still involving a clinical trial, then I'd try to contribute something (I don't mean all your retirement savings). But if it's crystal healing, injecting bleach, chelation, or any of 100 forms of quack medicine, then no.

I would, however, try to help out, or a least accept your dh helping out, with the everyday costs of his health problems. Especially if there's a risk of his becoming a casualty of the current benefit cuts.

You don't have surplus funds to give away. You're retirement fund is to make old age as comfortable as possible. Surely, you need that money.

I think your feelings are valid. I think your husband are also equally valid. `I think he is entitled to spend his money how he sees fit but I think you need to have a conversation about his retirement plan and whether you are willing to fund him.

This assumes that OP would be OK with them receiving the money if it were for something other than dubious experimental ‘medicine’, which is by no means clear. The main objection seems to be that Jane has not treated OP in the way OP feels she should have, and that parting with the money jeopardises the carefree retirement of OP’s fantasy.

Even if it were for standard UK treatment, I’m not sure how I feel about it impacting significantly on our retirement plans. And Jane has not behaved badly towards me, I’m just not keen on how she behaves towards DH. There’s some very specific stuff that would be quite outing.

And my retirement isn’t a fantasy, it’s a reality because we’ve saved up.

I wasn’t the OW nor am I a ‘younger woman’