Medical costs for step daughter's son

[redwhitegreen]

I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

In order to have an opinion on this one would need to know what kind of avenues your dsd is going down and to what extent it could improve the boy's life. I've heard too many stories about people forking out life savings on snake oil that I would be very cautious.

There are a few overseas clinics making bold claims, but the NHS (and specifically Sam's specialist) does not recognise the treatments offered. If Jane were my daughter, I would only encourage her to look for things that our doctors recommend. If DH and I were a bit younger and had more working time left to replace the expenditure, it would be a bit different but we both want to retire in a couple of years.

Depends on so many things. Proven treatment or desperate searching for anything. To be blunt, £250,000 for a 1% better quality of life is not worth it. £20,000 for a 50% improvement in quality of life is.
what are the repercussions for you. Will you be left destitute? Having to work an extra 5 years, 10 years?
Is this one of those situations where ther is no end? I mean, is there always going to be another treatment and another treatment for the next 15-20 years? Culminating in you being completely destitute? Or be constantly emotionally blackmailed that this next treatment is so important. And the next. And the next.
there is a point where you can not be expected to finance things. There has to be a quantifiable benefit and a finality about the demands

I agree. If the treatment isn't available in the UK there is probably a reason for that.

I would expect the child’s grandfather to contribute to legitimate treatment if he can . The issues are firstly is the potential treatment legitimate and perhaps he should attend the child’s doctors appointments here to get an idea as to whether this is likely to help. This might not go down well with DSD who will feel undermined but she should be providing a case for the need for these monies to be spent that is credible to her father. Secondly , as you are near retirement age you need to work out how much money you have to release , agree upon it and stick to the figure.
what a difficult situation.

Unfair comment. There is a whole lot to consider before frittering away a lifetimes savings on unproven snake oil quackery just because you are the grandparents.

But Jane is NOT her daughter. Of course she isn’t going to feel the same, that wouldn’t be natural. Much fairer is for them to divide their savings and each do as they wish. It will still impact op’s life but she should absolutely be able to decide what she does with her own money.

Regardless of what you contribute or not, your advice to not look outwith the NHS and what doctors here recommend is poor.

There are so many more treatments and avenues to explore outwith NHS guidance.

It's important that she looks into it thoroughly first, but she should absolutely look into the treatment.

What the cost ?

would you want to help if your own own /gc?

obv it depends what the medicos condition is but get you won’t name it

so if it is a common /well known condition then assuming nhs would be able to help /offer advice

i would be very wary spending thousands on a so called ‘whim’ if no real proof the treatment works

esp as condition isn’t life threatening

Maybe a set amount that you don’t deviate from? If you don’t get along then why would you want to help anyway, she’s got other family. BTW, I’m both a mother and step-mother. I love my son and step-son to bits. However, my DSD and I have never really got along. Different personalities sometimes just don’t gel and that’s ok 🤷‍♀️ You can’t give up your retirement for this.

Ah. Cross posts

if your specialist hasn’t heard of it then yes I wouldn’t spend it

i would research and try what nhs offer and see what results this new /other costly treatment can show in a few years time

When a child is ill it’s very common for the parent/s to look at all avenues. However, if it’s not life threatening and the NHS have not validated these foreign treatments, you might as well put money in a bin and set fire to it.
If money was going to be spent, it would be best used to do things that the child is able to do to enrich their lives, rather than dragging them to unknown clinics.
If there is going to be money spent then the whole family needs to get involved at some level. It’s not fair that it falls to one grandparent.
Your DH committed to marrying you and that is also a legal obligation. You need a firm and fair discussion about the state of your marriage and how best to proceed.
One thing you shouldn’t be doing is investing your own financial future on this quest.
If the grandchild could access legitimate help abroad with proven results, then the family set up a fundraising page. If it’s anything else, it’s not just a waste of money, you have no idea of what this child is going to be put through.

How much research is your DH prepared to do? How much does he know about the boy's condition, its likely progression, the effectiveness or otherwise of NHS current treatments, the evidence base for the proposed treatment, how it is supposed to work in detail, etc.

He should not throw his money away without doing his homework as to whether this is a worthwhile option, or just a desperate parent's clutching at straws.

Or will he just take Jane's word on the likely effectiveness of the "treatment".

As other's have said, there is also a strong possibility that it won't be a one-off thing, but there will be ongoing requests for more and more money.

My child is a toddler, but if my DGC needed a medical treatment in the future, I’d definitely help as much as I could.

But it’s also your money, so two definitely need to be in agreement about the amount.

I think there is a huge difference between offering to assist with something that is proven, affordable and regular than a large one off sum for unrecognised and unproven treatments abroad. I would, if it were my own grandchildren, offer to pay for something regular (monthly or fortnightly) such as physio or hydrotherapy, speech therapy, respite support etc. I would encourage them to seek support available to them through the NHS and LA too but I would not handover a large chunk of my pension.

This is a really hard situation. Do you have any relationship with Jane or Sam at all?

I personally think Jane should start a go fund me page and DH needs to have a chat with you about money.

I sit on the fence because selfishly I wouldn’t want to donate thousands of pounds to as child I don’t have a relationship with and a sour mum but I also acknowledge this is DH’s grandchild. So it’s not as simple.

I would possibly agree a certain amount out of your joint fund and anything else DH to donate out of his share. For example, £5K each so £10K out of the pot but anything else DH will have to donate from his side.

Do you have any children, OP? Or is it just Jane?

Regardless of the relationship, I wouldn't be taking a child abroad for treatment. I think you can easily be sucked into expensive treatment and time away from home and family, for no or negligible benefit.

It’s his grandson. Just because the NHS doesn’t recognise it then it doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate. There’s lots of treatments the NHS doesn’t fund which are stand as of care elsewhere. He should certainly be considering helping her and exploring it.

@redwhitegreen

How much are they asking you to contribute?

Yes, I think this would be useful information here. Is it the sum requested that you object to, or the suggestion that you should contribute anything at all?

It’s his grandchild. I’d support him to give what he felt he could.

if that means your relationship won’t continue because you want a different life then that’s a choice to make. You both have choices here.

On the treatment, get some independent advice from whatever the national charity is. They might not directly say its nonsense, but they'll hint strongly.
For example a relative spent many thousands on "treatment which would cure" his terminal cancer. It didn't, it left him in pain for his remaining time and left his wife in retirement poverty as in desperation they poured all their money into the treatment.

Otherwise, let your DH spend his money in his child and grandchildren.

Yes, and often the reason can be expense. Whether that's a good and realistic reason may be open to question. Can you do some more research?
EG it might be more expensive than the NHS is willing to fund, given the known results of the therapy. Percentages may be important here -- for example, how much improvement has been seen in how many patients etc. So again, i'd look into it a little more before deciding.
(and just to add -- what a shitty mum your DSD has.)

I’m not sure the it should be equal between grandparents because each will have different circumstances. I can’t imagine my parents refusing to help out if my in laws weren’t able to, or the opposite way around. I think part of it is exploring the treatments - what’s their basis, scientific or unhelpful. Secondly, a discussion about how it impacts your retirement. Try not let you dislike of the of this woman overshadow those conversations, just establish facts. Then you and your husband need to discuss your differences to see what compromise can be made. You obviously are entitled to give nothing but this will inevitably impact your marriage, but equally if you give more than feels comfortable, you will resent it too.