Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Sorry your husband has gone through that too. Has he managed to regain the use of that side? For me, it was my left side and I’m right handed, so I could cope while I worked on physiotherapy

It was the same with him - right-handed, and the left side was affected. Initially, he couldn't even sit up. He was in hospital for 4 months, learning to walk again. His left hand was initially very twisted, but that sorted itself out. (His hand pointed backwards at first.) However, he lost feeling in that hand at first, and then suffered from hypersensitivity.

His mouth was dropped a bit on one side, but that came back to normal after a while.

He passed away in his 80s after being ill with a completely different medical issue. I can tell you, however, that we were advised that it's possible to improve the feeling by exposing the hand to different textures and so on. Unfortunately, this wasn't suggested until some years after the stroke. The problem was that the rehab ward only concentrated on walking with patients.

It was the same for the chap in the bed opposite: his "good" hand was affected by thalidomide. The physios at the hospital would only work on his walking with him. I'm guessing that the main goal for the physios is to get people back home.

Yes..same here..flopping around like a dying fish on the riverbank if I wanted to change position and needed to pull up on the ‘cot sides’ with my right hand to take meds. Just long enough to swallow then fall back 🤣 they got me on my feet first. My left side was useless..and my mouth drooped too, but fortunately it was that side. Can’t speak clearly because muscles don’t work..that sorts itself as the brain creates new pathways. Still feel a bit like I’m recovering from a trip to the dentist with numbness but if the right side was affected, I’d have had to learn speech all over. There was one such in the ward I was in till I got a single room with en suite
I had minimal use of my arm when sent home..the expected physios didn’t turn up for 3 months but I’d gone on the internet and found exercises and advice so have most of the use back and built up the strength with grippers and weights.
I am sorry your husband didn’t have a better follow up and my condolences..

They did do more at the rehab I was in, if patients needed help with self care, because there’s a shortage of carers. So those were in longer. They had a wheelchair with my name on and told me I’d need 2 carers. I was determined to look after myself so devised ways of working one armed, proved I could shower and dress so they kicked me out. Others I saw doing fine motor skills one day as I passed an open door ...didn’t really register at the time but looking back , I missed out on that. I’m ok now..except other things hit. The stroke is the least of it now 🤣

I'm sorry that you went through all that.

I'm convinced that the only reason that DH got into the rehab ward was that I kicked up such a stink over A&E's failure - I'd asked when he was getting his brain scan and got a cheery "Oh, they'll fit him in when they can."

At that point, I didn't know that they were assuming that it had happened during the night.

In the Acute Stroke Ward, DH had a fall because he couldn't remember that he couldn't walk and wasn't being monitored - he tried to get to the toilet. He was black down one side as a result. Then they complained that he wasn't eating...I had to point out that one hand wasn't working and the other was shaking. In my presence, he was given an ordinary plate with quiche, peas and a knife and fork.

When I finally saw another doctor, I asked why DH hadn't been assessed by an OT. "Well, now that you've pointed the problem out to us..."

"Hello! This is the Acute Stroke Ward!"

The hospital tried to fob me off with a place in the local geriatric ward and rehab there, but a retired nurse pal told me that best rehab for Fife was at Cameron Hospital. There's one ward for over 65s and another for younger folk with brain injuries and there was a queue for both. I think that Dh got into the over 65 ward because the Acute Stroke Ward wanted shot of me.

If a specialist in the UK is advising going overseas because a proven and appropriate treatment isn't licensed here yet, that's one thing, however one reason a lot of treatments are not available in the uk is that they are just not properly tested and proven. If they were proven, and licensed, then there would be private healthcare providers here willing to do it, and you wouldn't have to go overseas for them. I would be quite skeptical of paying thousands of my life savings for something that might offer little more benefit than a placebo.

That’s awful. Makes you wonder what they think they’re there for. The doctors leave me unimpressed. Nurses were mostly ok, though ignored buzzers so I’d find myself arranging a blanket for someone or walking to the desk where nurses were blethering to point out Linda in room 4 was crying needing help ..she couldn’t speak…and the woman beside me was just shouting help help cos she couldn’t work the buzzer. I think they put me in a room by myself so I’d not interrupt their nail polishing sessions. I’m in Ayrshire. Ayr hospital wouldn’t take me because they didn’t do the treatment that breaks up clots quick..but then Crosshouse kept me waiting so long, it was irrelevant anyway. Even aspirin would have done better than nothing. I got shifted along the wards to the door over a week..then bumped into Biggart hospital..geriatric consultant ..well he wasn’t quite geriatric but that’s his specialty…and it’s a rehab ward I was in. 3 weeks. Walking with a stick when sent home, but they were nice enough and PT quite attentive while I was there. Got physio every day and my arm started to obey. I never realised you could use every muscle in your body trying to get your elbow to move an eighth of an inch . Still got there and worked on my hand at home. Took a video the second time I twitched my thumb 🤣 little victories . I think they’d save a lot of money if they were on the ball more.
I’d not have needed weeks in hospital if they’d given me clotbusters sooner. If they could get the bed blockers out ..maybe to the hospitals they shut when they opened the Glasgow Queen Elizabeth could be like holding bays for ppl who didn’t need acute hospital care but couldn’t go home yet because of carers..say a nurse and assistant per ward …then people would not be waiting in ambulances for hours. They need to sort the bottlenecks and improve efficiency.
it’s ridiculous you had to push for standard treatment . I’ve had issues where I felt the doctor got paid regardless so he really didn’t give a damn. If you don’t make a noise, they don’t care if you die.

I'm sorry @DearDenimEagle . They did at least give DH aspirin. They phoned the stroke specialist who said that it was up to the A&E doctor as to whether they risked giving the injection to DH at the end of the 4 hr window...so they didn't chance it.

They asked DH whether he'd had his daily aspirin. He hadn't, so they got him to swallow one. (The swallow test was "Swallow this teaspoon of water.")

Aye. It's getting to be more and more like a production line - get people out as fast as possible. You have to be loud to be heard.

@TwinklySquid If it was my Child/grandchild, I’d offer as much as I could afford.

And fool be you. You would be paying for snake oil essentially. It’s gullible people who have this mentality that keeps these charlatans in business.

@WearyAuldWumman @deardenimeagle Sorry to hear about your experiences with accessing treatment. I currently work in stroke rehab and hearing stuff like this is shocking, especially re little to no OT input.

OP, if i were you I would do all I can to protect your share of the retirement savings. I guess if DH is determined to help there might not be much you could do but don't let him leave you put out financially if he does go through with it.

It’s his beloved grandchild ffs and he’s dying in front of him!!! Let him give every thing he owns if he wants to and stop being such a bloody selfish curse to him. Isn’t life sad enough for him in the situation??? If you can’t see past your own nose then let me explain YES it is!! You’re supposed to love him. Poor man. Support him and be a half decent partner.

@Pippyls67

In op’s third post (11:44 ), op has stated the condition isn’t life threatening.

It’s his beloved grandchild ffs and he’s dying in front of him!!! Let him give every thing he owns if he wants to and stop being such a bloody selfish curse to him. Isn’t life sad enough for him in the situation??? If you can’t see past your own nose then let me explain YES it is!! You’re supposed to love him. Poor man. Support him and be a half decent partner.

Relax, the child isn't dying. OP said the condition isn't life threatening or life-limiting.

The grand child is not dying. The condition will not make him die, or die early

I apologise. My error and I’m sorry.

Why are you posting such shite..

His beloved grandchild isn't dying... ffs...

Because sometimes people are triggered by sad personal experience and say stupid things. Humans can be foolish. I’ve apologised and I meant it. I genuinely did.

But Jane isn’t her daughter and an awful person to her. So NO, she doesn’t have to compare her to her own child.

If Jane was your own daughter, OP, how would you react? If you would give her the money without question, then of course you must do so in this case. This child is a member of your family.
However, if Jane were your daughter and you had doubts about the finance, treatment, your own financial needs, and you would say "no", then it's also fine to refuse in this case.

If Jane were my own daughter,I would be prepared to donate a small amount towards UK treatment (ie going privately) if the treatment was recognised and offered over here. But if a daughter of mine had been told, like Jane, that there’s no cure, then I wouldn’t be donating. The therapies that may help Sam (but not cure him) have already been offered on the NHS.

But no matter whose daughter we’re talking about, DH and I still need to manage financially once we’re retired.

But no matter whose daughter we’re talking about, DH and I still need to manage financially once we’re retired.

Had you of given all, or most of your pension savings/savings to your DP's DD then posted what and why you had done it and that you're now concerned about having no retirement fund to fall back on you'd have been told that you were a fool for doing so especially as there was no know proof that the treatment would have worked.

Huh, dramatic and inaccurate!

Having read the updates, my understanding is that it's a condition that will have an impact on day--to-day life, but it's not life threatening.

A conversation needs to be had with Jane. If she is determined to try to find a cure for the incurable then I wouldn't be happy to spend money on that.

Any contribution from DH might be better spent on either recognised ongoing therapies or practical things for day-to-day living like ramps or hoists etc. OP hasn't been specific about the issue, so I am just using these as suggestions.

Long-term practical support that can be budgeted for, rather than funding unproven medical interventions abroad.

What in earth are you on about? Are you responding to the wrong thread?

Did you end up donating @redwhitegreen ? X

DH and his daughter are going through a 'tricky' patch at the moment, and haven't really had much contact since I posted. So the whole thing has gone quiet. Which is a relief (for the time being).

Thank you for the update.