Medical costs for step daughter's son

[redwhitegreen]

I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Nope. I would research the proposed treatment plan, but not offer financial support. There are places that are doing state of the art treatments for certain conditions but those are not in EE or SA.

I think you need to ask his nhs Drs are they not doing this treatment because it's too expensive or because they don't think it is best for him.

Split your savings between you and let him fund this from his share if he wants to. You can then keep your share secure

Agreed. And if you want to look at research outside of the UK, it would be from Johns Hopkins, etc.

Most people fundraise. If he wants to help then he should first research the places offering treatment and look for accurate testimonials (if there are any). As someone higher up the thread said, she doesn't want to cause more harm.

Research the treatment. If it consists of visiting a Banja, I’d be sceptical unless you’re talking about physio…which you should be able to get in the UK.

Only yesterday I was reading a thread where countless posters were outraged at the thought of SMs being acknowledged in any way for Mother’s Day. Every day there are threads where SMs are lambasted and told ‘you aren’t their mum, it’s nothing to do with you’. But of course, when it’s about money or giving lifts or any dogs work, it’s suddenly all their responsibility.

Oh yes .......

I may be missing the point here, but there will be reasons why the treatments available overseas are not done here. I have had experience of this, specifically countries that offer treatments for conditions that are not treatable.
It's not really about emotions or blended families of even money. I've seen people, normal rational adults simply unable to accept reality and subject their children to fake medicine, that may do harm but certainly didn't do any good because the conditions were untreatable.
And by offering money your husband would just be delaying or preventing his daughter from moving to a more realistic frame of mind. But as my old dad used to say, there no telling some people.

True !! I think Texas there is no medical malpractice lawsuit law.

This indeed. Me and my siblings are apparently a bunch of devils. We are normal people with normal lives. And NC with father and stepmother (who has no children of her own and is a manipulative stirrer).

I think it's unfair to judge it by whether it's threatening.
Schizophrenia, muscular Dystrophy, spinal bifida are all considered not life-threatening but greatly impact life in many ways. If i had a child with any of those conditions I'd definitely turn to my parents for any help they can give.

I think the key questions to ask are:
What is the maximum you can afford between you & your husband (the child's grandfather)
What sort of treatment is it? is it evidence based at all by reputable sources?

Leaving aside the question of whether you want to contribute anything and how much you can afford, you need to think about how you can have the biggest long term impact with the resources you can contribute.

I would not contribute anything to pursuing expensive unproven therapies abroad. I would save your money for help they might need in the future and use it for things which will have a real impact once you've all had a chance to accept the diagnosis and really gain an understanding of what will actually help. The reality is with a child with long term medical needs they will probably face additional costs and negative impacts on their own earning potential, and other forms of help in the future may have a much larger impact.

Honestly OP, I would actively start looking to protect yourself.

This is not the time to beat about the bush.
Do you want to remain married to your husband if he gets sucked into handing over his half of his retirement fund and you by default end up funding his retirement from your half?

Is that something you would stomach?
I certainly wouldn't and it would be separation in such circumstances.

Do not get sucked into agreement of anything out of embarrassment or guilt.

This is not your child an not someone you sound particularly fond of.
Of course it is sad for them but absolutely no way would my hard earned retirement fund be any part of their disposable funds for this.

Don't be bullied.
Perhaps time to have a really frank think and talk with your husband.

My friend was married for 20 years and had a step daughter that she was not particularly close to.
She and her husband had a beautiful shared home that they both paid for.
He was turning 64 and retiring and was keen to sell the house and downsize.
He had been pushing and eventually my friend agreed.

The house was sale agreed and by pure chance she came across some paperwork that showed her husband had given his daughter a huge chunk of his savings 250k, around the time that my friend had come into a 500k inheritance 7 years earlier.
His daughter had been buying a house and my friend had always been surprised at how nice the house was, but never asked.

She was absolutely furious and shared with a few friends.
It was the final straw for her.
He had never been supportive of her when her parents were dying and it had remained between them.
She saw the timing of the gift as so opportunistic as he had been delighted at "their" inheritance.
Fortunately it was wisely invested in her name only.
She kept her own council though he knew well something was up but she simply wouldn't tell him.
The house was sold for a good price and within hours of being in funds she transferred half to her account.
She had had him rent a house for 6 months in his sole name, and she told him she knew of his gift to his daughter, that she wasn't moving with him and they were done.

Clean split.
He was devastated and stunned but she wouldn't even really get into it with him.
She no longer trusted him and she didn't want to share a retirement with her.
She is happily divorced several years now and her sisters two children will be inheriting from her.

Same. My father and stepmother have suddenly become interested in having a relationship with me now that I’m doing OK for myself and they’re concerned about who’s going to care for them in their dotage. One of the advantages of having received sod all support from them is that I now feel no obligation to help at all.

I know you can't say, but if it is autism, I really think that you can trust the UK professionals here to know what they are doing and talking about.

I think the people talking as if the OP should separate finances, or that the OP has no say in this decision have it wrong - realistically the amount that the OP's DH has to spend in retirement will impact OP. If the DH has to work 5 more years than currently planned, sure maybe OP can still retire on time, but it obviously is still a different retirement to what she had planned.

You just can't fully separate money in long term relationships. You can separate the money you don't plan to spend (eg money/assets you plan to pass on, or emergency savings in case of a relationship breakdown etc) and possibly spending on luxuries (but even then a lot of luxuries are in reality shared - otherwise you end up in a relationship where one person eats a takeaway in front of the other eating freezer scraps). You can't realistically separate the day to day living costs - the heating is either on or it isn't.

But overall I agree with others - ignoring the impact on retirement, and whether this is your own child or not, I don't think I'd be spending money on unproven medical treatments. This doesn't seem like the best use of funds regardless of where they come from.

The thing is the treatment isn’t for Jayne - it’s for her son - your husband’s grandson. He clearly loves his grandson a lot and wants to help, so this isn’t about his relationship with his daughter. How long have you been married? If a long time then surely you consider him your grandson too? My grandad was technically my ‘step grandad’, but he treated me and my brother like his own grandchildren and I think that’s how it should be tbh? Unless you have no contact with the grandson for whatever reason. I do understand your point of view also - but imagine if this was your biological grandson, would you still feel the same?
Also agree with a previous poster about that Jayne’s relationship with her dad (your DH) likely stems from issues in childhood that may not be her fault. There’s two sides to every story after all. Could you meet in the middle somewhere? And contribute some but not all? And maybe suggest they start a GoFundMe or something too.
Whilst the therapies (whatever they are) may not be proven, as a mother of course you’d want to do anything to try and improve your child’s life if they are living with a serious condition that’s affecting their quality of life.

So very likely to be snake oil. Sorry OP.

If it's autism related it's definately snake oil @redwhitegreen. A well meaning friend sent me info on this. Not only can we not afford it but we have doctors in the family who are very very sceptical to this to say the least. I understand clutching at every straw as we have done the same (tried everything offered and "natural" remedies that turned out to be snake oil).
https://parentsguidecordblood.org/en/news/stem-cell-therapy-autism-panama-stem-cell-institute

Ive seen stories that go into incredible amounts for treatments then there is the cost of travel and overnight stays. Multiple rounds of treatment then also if it doent work finding another solution and more money.
I think it depends on how the condition is affecting the childs quality of life too. If the family is severely impacted by the illness. Are we talking about odd shaped toenails or major heart surgery. A respected hospital or some back of the shop witch doctor??

Its hard to give an opinion without the facts but your husband should help if he can, but not to your personal detriment without you wanting to.

We had a similar thing with my stepdaughter and her daughter. The doctor offering the treatment said it would be part of a trial, so I said we need details. And if it's a proper clinical trial why are we being asked for £5k? Searched online and found out the procedure had been used on three people worldwide, unsuccessful in two of them and the third was unclear whether there had been any benefit. So we declined to pay and DSGD copes beautifully.

Do not touch with a barge pole.

There are lots of good treatments the NHS has yet to offer, mostly because NICE is slow, or sometimes ridiculous.

BUT a hospital specialist would certainly know about them and probably be offering them in their private practice.

This sounds like clutching at straws stuff, quackery, snake oil medicine. Do not spend your savings on this.

i would encourage her to get a second opinion at a tertiary centre who specialise in the condition.

Were you “the other woman” hence not having a good relationship with Jane and her mother ?

Definitely not.