Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Has there been any discussion with the stepchildren about arrangements for you and your husband’s care later in life? Is there any sense of reciprocity here?

Yes we have joint finances. But even if we split the pot 50/50, I would still be impacted if DH gave a chunk of his away.

If I were you, ringfence whatever contribution you and your DH make, so it doesnt become an open chequebook. Make it abundantly clear from the get-go that the basis of the contribution towards the child's medical care/treatment is x, is according to affordability, it that you want to help in the limitations of your finances.

once that amount is given, either as a single payment or several instalments decide that limit is reached. it must then be to your DH to be strong and not be subjected to any "shenanigans".

The problem with offering money before you have been asked is, once they know there is a willing income stream, they may keep coming back to tap it.

Especially if treatments help, and the costs are mounting, because if they can't afford to keep paying and you are refusing to give them any more money, it will be your fault that he isn't getting the best care which was actually helping him.

If you do offer, it should be a fixed amount and that's it really, but I'd probably wait to be asked.

Are they doing anything to raise money themselves? Is there any way you could help hem to raise funds without just handing over lots of cash?

This. It might be one thing to take him to, say, a hospital in Europe where they have been trialing new drugs. Something else entirely to take him to California or some of the wacky Australian alternative health centres where some loon will divest your step-daughter of $$$$$$ while promising miracles. Are we talking a cure for autism or some such hokum?

I wouldn't contribute. If it looked as if DH was going to pour away his future on a hopeless attempt to save a sick child, I'd want boundaries in place. We have a reasonably good free health-care system here: if Great Ormond Street can't help then no one can.

In your shoes I'd suggest to your DH that he doesn't waste his money on snake oil merchants but uses it to plan something useful for his grandchild's future.

I work in healthcare in New York. We get a lot of non-US patients who come to the big teaching hospitals in NYC (NYU Medical Center, New York Presbyterian, Mount Sinai, etc.) for an evaluation and/or second opinion. It's not wildly expensive and Sam's specialist in the UK can probably track down the leading specialists here for a referral. Sam's chart can be sent over for review prior to the evaluation and having any additional testing conducted.

This might be a helpful middle ground to offer to help with, without wasting money on an unlicensed clinic in Mexico that's essentially scamming people.

I think I'd preempt the situation by taking charge, and making a decision. I'd talk to my husband, and ask what he thinks we could afford, with-out the retirement being affected. When my daughter had medical issues, my father gifted £3,000, for private consultations and scans. This helped us so much, as I couldn't return to work, due to the hospital appointments and time off school. You could agree upon a small amount and emphasise that there isn't anymore money in the pot, due to retirement. A small token would be welcomed, and avoids her asking for more.

Three things:

If DH has 2 kids and you have none it is probably best not to have joint finances, easier said now afterwards but in hindsight not ideal in case kids are in need and ask for money.

I don’t blame DH for wanting to help his grandchild, even if he doesn’t have the best relationship with his daughter. Without knowing the situation it could be DH’s fault they don’t have the best relationship - or maybe his daughter is the problem.

Jane hasn’t even gone abroad yet to talk about options, so all of this is just hearsay. Wait until you know what’s going on before worrying

That sort of treatment is a bottomless pit IME. There will always be one more treatment….until the money runs out.

Do not fund this, OP.

I doubt that this will work. The contribution will be accepted and duly spent.

His grandchild will continue to have medical problems, and there will always be a need for additional equipment and treatments not funded by the NHS, special holidays, special classes, private education, etc.

If the OP is worried about her savings, she could try to ringfence her own money by splitting the savings 50/50 into separate accounts.

The overseas options are Eastern Europe and South America

It’s not about her. It’s about the child, who is the grandson of your DH. He should spend whatever he likes on him.

I would suggest researching the hell out of this 'treatment' and getting independent advice as to whether it has any legitimacy at all. Preferably research alongside your DH so that he's fully involved and can come to his own conclusions.

If, as many of us suspect, it will be a pointless venture, you make it clear that you're uncomfortable risking your combined retirement pot to to no useful end.

I have a step-daughter a bit like yours. Also grown and flown the nest. We don't see her from one year to the next. Barely hear from her either. Her other family members also don't hear from her. Until she is looking for financial help e.g. house deposit, plane tickets for a holiday, driving lessons. Then she is very present and the desired thing is much talked of, until someone caves and funds it for her. Then it's back to radio silence. Her behaviour has always hurt, but she's pretty much been sussed out by everyone now, and for some of us the well has dried up, others are refusing to help any more as she is ungrateful.
I would only contribute a small amount if you are able to without going into financial hardship yourselves. Her mentioning the treatment etc is fishing for financial support from you. If she's never really had a relationship with you or her father then this behaviour is driven by wanting money from you. Yes, her son being ill is driving this and it's sad that there is no cure. You could burn through all your money, grandchild have no better quality of life. Would she be there to support you both in your old age?

I'll add that there was a child in my special school class whose parents chased one of these 'treatments'. Not only did it not do anything, it actually made the child's quality of life very much poorer, due to the various restrictions on their diet and activities that it required.

Please don't facilitate something that leaves the child's quality of life the poorer.

100% no

These 2 regions are not known for medical care. This will be quackery.

If it was USA, a European country, Singapore … but it’s not. Best Drs in world have contacts in Real locations.
She can do gofundme …. Do not do this. And should not do this.

That’s the thing though…

is if he donates a huge chunk of his but she doesn’t then they’ll be living off her one and it’s the exact same.

Hmm I know you don't want to give details and fully understand but my attitude towards giving money would greatly depend on what the problem was and what the solutions were... a new treatment for cystic fibrosis not currently available on the nhs I'd be far more likely to want to fund that some hippy alternative therapy for Austism (and I believe in alternative therapies entirely I just wouldn't be investing my life savings into someone else's problem for that sort of thing)

I wouldn’t contribute. DH can do what he wants but I would still go ahead with my retirement plans as much as I possibly could.

Firstly, because the treatment sounds like a total waste of money.

Secondly, because I am utterly sick of the dynamic where the SM is treated like a piece of shit and totally irrelevant unless they are invisibly financing something.

Only yesterday I was reading a thread where countless posters were outraged at the thought of SMs being acknowledged in any way for Mother’s Day. Every day there are threads where SMs are lambasted and told ‘you aren’t their mum, it’s nothing to do with you’. But of course, when it’s about money or giving lifts or any dogs work, it’s suddenly all their responsibility.

Google the medical condition & “research” and look for recent research into treatments from Oxford Uni, National Institutes of health … they often research the “questionable treatments” …. Be careful of research that is paid for by non medical schools.

We had similar with a family member w experimental sheep placenta treatment at several thousand £ a month injections smuggled into UK. All this being pushed by a barrister acquaintance & investor in the placenta guy. We learned few yrs later, his condition was a genetic disease which no placenta would help. At point of genetic diagnosis would have been over £100k out of pocket to fund a quacks lifestyle. (Would have had to sell home)

There’s plenty of highly expensive quack clinics in the USA that can get away with BS claims due to lax regulations, for example the Burzynski Clinic in Texas. Depressingly, I still see fundraisers from desperate UK parents trying to send their sick child to the Burzynski Clinic. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burzynski_Clinic

The only answer here is that if DH wants and insists he will donate a set amount from “his” side of the funds, that puts off HIS retirement until he replenishes the funds. Your retirement goes ahead as planned and when he is then ready to retire you can go about your fun plans together.

This is the only fair way, and will also demonstrate how much HE is actually willing to help. Not how generous he is willing to be if it’s coming from joint funds, as he actually has to work and gather this money back before he himself can retire.

Only yesterday I was reading a thread where countless posters were outraged at the thought of SMs being acknowledged in any way for Mother’s Day. Every day there are threads where SMs are lambasted and told ‘you aren’t their mum, it’s nothing to do with you’. But of course, when it’s about money or giving lifts or any dogs work, it’s suddenly all their responsibility.

That. I'm not a step-parent, thank goodness, but I think this forum's attitude to step-parent is absolutely appalling. They're expected to give everything and expect nothing in return.

I read that Mother's Day thread too, and felt for every fully involved step mother on the board.

I think you need to take the "step" part of the relationship and your retirement plans out of the conversation (at least in the beginning) and have the conversation with your dh based on what you guys would both do if it were your own dd/dgc.

Gut feeling from me, without knowing the details for my own child/grandchild is I would not be paying any money, or taking risks on unproven medical treatment in EE or South America unless thoroughly researched by someone qualified in UK.

I would perhaps support the cost (within reason) of a private specialist in the UK who can check out the claims and risks of these "therapies" as it will possibly help your sd and your dh come to terms with his dgc's diagnosis and that they are doing everything that can safely be done.

Oh hell, no.

I have family in Eastern Europe. Some folk there see Westerners as wealthy fools, ripe for the picking.