Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Also, in UK, there’s a group called Contact that can help get in touch with other families impacted by diseases, syndromes etc … maybe can find a person in UK who has tried the alternative treatment …

https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/

The other thing is if the new treatment really worked and was effective his consultants here probably would have some awareness of it. And I can see how attractive it would be to spend tens of thousands of pounds escaping abroad and focusing on your child rather than struggling on with the reality of juggling everything here .
I have also noticed how temptingly these private clinics sell themselves and to me they have always seemed like a well meaning scam .Also they seem to have a money is no object attitide that you have to keep paying once you are there. They aren't concerned with economising and trying to meet people half way .
Also although the clinic will try to help and certainly take a great interest in those who are paying , I would be extremely doubtful about their claims of improving things even in the medium term.
It is easy for people to get a big boost and improvement from being abroad and from all the nurture and people taking an interest and supporting them .
My husband had cancer and I could see clearly that the treatment in Germany was an easy way to spend £100,000 on another 3-4 months of life.
The brochures were glossy and extremely well presented . They were very interested in attracting people to be treated and put their best foot forward in the beginning when people were doing well. Their interest waned when people were dying and their focus would change to new patients who were doing better.

It's a child life so your DH can do some research himself to find out, what is required how much and what he is prepared to contribute. I don't know your ages but perhaps working a few extra months or a year for your DH would be worth it to him.

It would also be completely reasonable to ask your GP or even the child's Consultant privately and briefly what his /her thoughts were on this presumably expensive treatment . I am sure they would be happy to share their thoughts .

Stem cell therapy for autism ? In which case it's a scam

@Griff1963 I understand what you’re saying about him wanting to help his grandson but as the OP says, it is important to also ensure that they’re financially secure in their retirement, or it could actually cause her DH’s daughters issues in the future.

I say this because DH’s BIL ( married to one of his sisters) has felt obliged to financially support his parents in their retirement, as they don’t have enough put by. His siblings have also contributed, but according to his wife, he’s given the most by far and she’s told me that she’s not exactly happy about it. No idea of the exact amount, but it’s thousands.

This isn’t a cultural expectation, they literally don’t have enough.

The OP and her DH definitely don’t want to be in this situation in the future, it won’t help his daughters and grandson if they are.

In my circumstance if I thought the treatment would help the child I would pay it (jointly since I’d assume you feel this is your grandchild too if you’ve been with your DG a while and at retirement any money would be joint money and affect you anyway).

Your SD probably has a difficult relationship with her father because he left her. She probably felt abandoned and unprioritised. Regardless of the cause of the split, if he didn’t live with her it’s very difficult for children not to feel resentment towards the absent parent.

If it’s autism that isn’t a medical condition….

The chances of these treatments working are zero, there are a lot of scammers out there preying on the vulnerable. I would not contribute anything, it’s just a complete waste of.

This.

Eastern Europe and South America for healthcare. Right. Tell Jane she is taking the micky

Also: don't you actually need legal NHS permission to take such a child abroad for treatment <???>

Just RTFT and it’s very material that there is no recognised treatment and this is not a life-threatening condition.

With this in mind, I’d tell your DH to wait until Jane has done all the research she needs and then he will understand more. In other words, it’s unlikely Jane will be able to come up with any meaningful information to support the need for overseas treatment and the issue will disappear (hopefully).

If he’s determined to give her money anyway, I’d point out that he’s effectively expecting you to subsidise the shortfall it creates and so needs to have more discussion between you. Because it sounds like Jane will be back for more cash, especially as she will need to fund flights for three and hotels on top of quack fees.

As an aside, I think it does matter that she treats your DH poorly and also that her own mother has opted out of any financial support for her.

I agree with your commitment to your retirement, not everyone makes it that far and why shouldn't you have plans for how you'd like to spend that time and when.

Just because everyone else in the equation of 'family' thinks DH is the bad man, I'm sure you know the bigger picture and have stuck firmly to what you & DH want out of life rather than succumbing to what others might think.

I think you've already said that DIL hasn't approached DH re funding so therefore you're just imagining what's coming? Has DIL's attitude changed towards you both since the little-one's health issues have unfolded - that's what to watch out for.

Give a one off lump sum that wont break the bank, make it clear its the best you can do x

Flights for 3? Why? If it goes ahead, no need to 2 adults to fly out - one adult and a child - flights for 3 would be a piss-take.

That's where my mind went. In that case, I'd help fund therapy for Jane to come to terms with it. I'd also be concerned about what approach the therapy is using and how the child might experience it, if they went ahead.

I haven’t read all the posts but people can get really desperate and try any treatment at any cost for their child! Lots of the time it’s not a proven therapy’s and therefore a waste of money.

Is it by any chance autism, and it’s one of the quack clinics in America….?

@Hwi I agree! But the fact that Jane is seriously considering it at all makes me think they would all ‘need’ to go. 🤷‍♀️

If I were you I would be concerned about the welfare of this child being subjected to experimental treatments that not only have no proven therapeutic value, if it is autism as I suspect from your posts, may actually cause additional harm to this poor boy. On that principle alone I’d not be contributing one red cent.

This. And imagine growing up and coming to the realisation that your mother thought you were in need of fixing, rather than accepting you as you are? Needing supports is one thing, trying to 'fix' them to be someone else is another.

Sorry, you are absolutely right!

I don't see why you should be expected to contribute anything at all. Like you say, he has four actual grandparents to pay for this. But you have to accept that your partner can and will spend as much of his own spare money as he chooses.

Unless he's expecting you to stump up your own money to supplement him in his share of joint household costs or retirement plans then you don't have any grounds for complaint.

What happens then? He's spent his retirement savings on snake oil "cures" and has nothing left to live on. You know he'll expect her to split her half of the retirement savings with him when he retires.