Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

No.

Not unless there are very specific and extreme circumstances, such as being on life support equipment and the child's doctors considering it dangerous to attempt transport. The OP gives no indication that might be the case here. Rather the contrary.

Regretfully in this case then you do need to secure your assets so that DH cant keep taking a bit here and there which adds up. It is good advice to set a budget (across all the wider families) but you need to ensure that it can be stuck to. ie DH cant go behind your back and use joint assets.

Stem cells for autism or some other such quackery? If it's really nonsense then I wouldn't be contributing and that might be a deal breaker for my relationship if my husband insisted on doing so in a way that changed our retirement plans etc.

I think it makes sense to help if you have the means to do so. Your grandchild has nothing to do with your history with Jane, and he deserves love and support, no matter how you feel about Jane.

If I were you I would want to know more about the treatment options being considered and what research/ backing they have and have an involved talk with 'Jane' about it all. I would feel more at peace offering financial support if I felt like it was genuinely going to give my grandchild a shot at better health, rather than months of distress, upheaval and discomfort with little chance of a better outcome.

Obviously in this scenario the decision ultimately rests with Jane as to your grandchild's treatment plan. But I think the more you know in this situation, the less room there is for future distrust and resentment. If you know where your money would be going, you could hand it over in good faith.

Also inclined to agree with other posters saying you should initially agree on a fixed amount. This sounds like a situation where there might be a long road ahead for your grandchild when it comes to treatment and ongoing health problems as they grow up. You need to play the long game and keep yourself going so you can support Sam long term. You can't do that if your burn through all your savings on the first round of experimental treatments.

Exactly.

This would be a complete dealbreaker for me. I’ve spent decades planning my savings, investments and retirement budget. Paying for quack treatments for someone else’s kid isn’t in the budget.

(imagine how Jane & Co would shriek if OP ever tried to discipline or voice an opinion about the kid?? But they’ll gladly snatch her life savings instead of getting a second job or sacrificing their own assets.)

and what attitude is that

oh I don’t know…how about the one where she calls her SD an “unpleasant woman” who “always treats him like dirt” and doesn’t seem to recognise that the money would be to help his sick grandchild in any case? Maybe that one?

Well I wouldn’t give a penny for ‘treatments’ that are not proven by the nhs as I wouldn’t have them myself.

Quite different if it’s just an off license drug or other reputable countries endorse it.

What has that got to do with contributions. Personally her attitude is not a main concern from a humanitarian perspective, I would contribute what I can but will not cripple my retirement that will not be clever. U cannot sell your soul to save another, do what u can using your head and u cannot still be supportive emotionally

I’ve been thinking about this… Relationship with Jane aside, do we know anything about this treatment? Sounds like a potentially cruel thing to do to a little kid as well… I can understand the desperation to try just about anything if your kid’s life is on the line, but it’s not the case.

Your pensions aren’t “spare” cash either; they are the money for you and DH to live on when you no longer work. I would offer to potentially match the amount that the other GP are happy to contribute, and if that is £0, I would give an amount you agree with DH which will help improve something in DGC life. Throwing away money on unproven treatments would not be in your best interests, or probably the child’s either.

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost

I would not be helping my bio children in this scenario. If the treatment just doesn’t exist in the UK, then it doesn’t exist, or will exist but has not been proved to successfully treat. If there are trials etc that look promising, then Jane’s child would be shoehorned into these in the UK.

While I understand the desperation, the reality is that Jane is now on a fantasy journey for something that doesn’t exist. I would be helping my child accept this, not contributing $$ on a hiding to nowhere.

Can you stop him from throwing your retirement fund away on an unproven shot in the dark for a condition that is not life threatening?

I wouldn't give her the money for this, no.

Evidence-based treatment not yet available here we would offer help for.

Non-evidence based treatment we would not offer help for.

Why is everyone jumping to autism?

I think you have hit the nail on the head. It’s your DH you need to be talking to as he may feel he needs to make amends or give all his money.
There is no reason your DH cannot give money but it sounds like you need a discussion with him.

What about suggesting a Gofundme?

The child hasn’t a life threatening condition, and there are no cures, just trying different things on a ‘might help’ basis.
Abroad..in the States?
That sounds like a money pit. For no proven treatment. That could swallow everyone’s resources because the mother, understandably, won’t want to stop. Accommodation alone is going to eat money.
I’d definitely put a limit on it and only if every other grandparent contributes equally.
American healthcare bankrupts people. My in laws had to come back to the UK absolutely skint after they had emigrated but had a health issue . And that was a few decades ago.

If it was my Child/grandchild, I’d offer as much as I could afford.
It sounds like you aren’t a close family so you aren’t going to have the same attachment. If your DH wants to use some of his funds, then agree a set amount between you.

@TwinklySquid

”… If it was my Child/grandchild, I’d offer as much as I could afford.”

I think that’s the crux of the matter. Op has saved and worked hard to get a retirement fund, so this isn’t spare money for her. She fears dh (and dd) considers this available money, and will want to use it on the un-tested and unproven medicinal treatments.

Worse. South America and Eastern Europe.

I have family in former Yugoslavia and friends with family elsewhere in Eastern Europe. Westerners are often seen as idiots with bottomless pockets.

The only treatment that I would consider in Eastern Europe would be physiotherapy at a Banja/spa.

ETA In former Yugo, it's common for there to be two sets of prices - one for locals, one for Westerners.

This sums it up nicely for me.

There are 6 adults (Sam's parents and grandparents) how much would.1/6th be of the amount they are looking to raise?

I wouldn’t. What’s to say in a few years time she will latch on to something and even more promising…you’re going to end up in a never ending cycle. If it’s doesn’t haven’t tangible, proven benefits then there’s no way I would. Her unpleasant behaviour absolutely does impact this decision. How much do you trust her to tell the truth here? Would she let DH go to appointments? I can’t see any good coming from this one.

These are unproven treatments. I would flat out refuse. This isn’t life threatening and they have been told there is no cure. So they’re at the mercy of charlatans who will say anything for money. Just no.

Sounds about right. My father had homes in Portugal…he thought their treatment when he had his heart attack and needed stents was very good, but he still eventually gave up living out there and stayed in uk at the end.
UK is going downhill but at least it’s free at point of delivery..if you can get it. 7 hours I spent in an ambulance at the door, having 3 strokes. Got better twice..then zapped and paralysed. If I’d got blood clot breaker uppers within the 4 hour window, I might have escaped the damage . But at least I didn’t lose my house paying for it 🤣

Very similar happened to my husband.

I got the ambulance straight away, he was taken straight to A&E...but it was Saturday morning and the registrar screwed up. DH was able to speak sensibly and the ambulance crew had failed to pass on that the stroke had just happened: I wasn't allowed through straight away and the young doctor assumed that the stroke had happened during the night and that it was possibly a TIA which was resolving.

By the time a senior doctor came on duty and asked me when it happened, the 4 hr window had gone. DH was left with hemiparesis.