Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Ugh. How repugnant to suggest that a woman who has been independent and hard-working for decades should defer retirement to provide care for an unrelated child. The DH is out of order to even suggest that their joint money be used.

Let him get out and get a supermarket job or something if he wants to hand money over to his offspring and grandchild. Not derail OP's plans.

could the treatment (if it worked) improve his quality of life and if it didn’t work would it have any negative effects?

is it something along the lines of a visual condition or similar where he is not unwell with it but has a significant barrier?

With conditions that can't currently be cured when you're thinking about spending money, you need to think long term. A chunk of money on your husband's death that can become a chunky house deposit when he's older may be of much more use than money now on a potential cure.

It's tempting for parents to search for a cure and sometimes they will be right and find an international treatment that's not made it to the UK yet. Other times the search is fruitless and expensive and comes from difficulty in accepting they have disabled child who cannot be cured.

In terms of your step grandson's happiness/ life, it's a good idea to try to dissuade his parents from quackery / stuff preying on parental hope of making him "normal", regardless of who is paying.

If the issue is autism/ADHD or similar developmental condition very definitely don't go for treatment abroad - the current understanding is that these conditions are by definition incurable.

Promising a cure for an incurable condition is an extraordinary claim, and requires extraordinary evidence. Evidence that can be gathered without schlepping the child around clinics all over the world.

Proof on paper can determined free, or nearly free. If a treatment reaches that threshold, then is the time to dicuss whether it's worth funding a clinic trip for them to assess individual suitability. But I'd have some preliminary chats with your husband to establish general prinicples on what you would and.wouldn't consider.

‘Repugnant’? If my DH needed my help he’d have it. That’s marriage, to me. If she doesn’t want to retire on her own she might prefer to keep working. And I did say ‘and/or’.

Could you elaborate on the type of treatment?

What would it give the child?
why is t it available here (not available due to funds or it’s not a proven treatment)
how much research has she done?

Ask your DH to ask her to provide details about the treatment and all the research she has done, and a breakdown of costs and what she will be using the money specifically for.
What will she do if she needs additional funds to what you can provide

formalize any help as a loan with a contract including a pay back schedule etc.

It very much sounds like the proposed medical care is quackery. So on that basis, the money is just to do right by his DD.

Other things to think about

If your DH gives money to his DD to be used for Sam's medical care, how would his other adult child feel? Would their nose be pushed out of joint because money was given to one sibling and not the other? Would his relationship with the other adult child be affected

What if your DH gives money to his DD and then she changes her mind on Sam's medical care. She could by a yacht instead.

What if another grandchild is born/diagnosed with the same or another complex medical condition. Would your DH feel obliged to fund care again? (the child of either of his adult kids)

What if one of his adult kids becomes ill with a serious condition in the future which can only be treated privately/abroad. Would he need to fund care then?

In your situation, I would suggest giving both of his adult children a financial gift of whatever you can comfortably afford and feel happy about. Do it before his DD asks. And make sure they both know that there's no more money available.

Is it life limiting?

I assume that it's something like the milder end of autism, which isn't life threatening. I wouldn't want to fund this either.

@Riaanna i don’t believe it’s life limiting

Have they researched all funding options there are lots of charities which can help with treatment funding It would be good to see them exploring all the funding that’s available before asking nearest and dearest
I would make sure I was not setting up a potential situation where they were relying on family members to pay for treatment do you want to enable this?.

I would suggest that almost all (if not all) credible medical research and treatment is being carried out in more “developed” countries - certainly look at research and private doctors in western and middle areas of Europe, also the US, Australia and so on. China also does a lot of medical research. It’s very very very unlikely that Eastern Europe or Latin America are ahead in these areas, and I would assume it’s all “snake oil”. If your DH does decide to contribute, then he should contribute a fair/equal proportion, based on the others who have equal responsibility, whatever their financial circumstances.

If there's no cure then what do these days, dubious value, therapies or treatments offered and involve?

I can understand a parent possibly being prepared to "try anything" where a child us involved where a serious condition exists, but they really should be considering what any actual medical evidence shows.

There's a very big difference between an alternative effective therapy which us not currently NHS approved or funded, and "magic beans " with no real medical studies showing any worthwhile kevel of effectiveness.

I can, to an extent, empathise with your DH's desire to help his DD/DGS out, but both he and his DD do really need to be aware that financial decisions such as this can gave a major impact on others involved in financing such decisions.

There's also the question of whether these expensive treatments are a "obe off cost" or an ongoing bottomless pit requiring constant funding.....

Discuss everything with your DH and if he is "adamant" to do this then the "best" you can hope for us to agree a maximum "cap" on your assistance- and stick to it.

Despite you saying that "two signatures required" stuff, realistically that's not going to be the case for some of the finances involved, e.g. HIS Pension Pot and "HIS HALF" of any other joint resources..... so be careful, such situations can easily destroy relationships.

Could you say something like, if the daughter and husband save a couple if grand, we will match it? The daughter and husband should also be putting funds towards it ...

If aids or equipment assist then that sounds a better way to spend any money. I know you don't know cost but how much do you both have set aside for retirement?

I wouldn’t in this situation.

I would want to know what accepted research verifies the treatment

@AnneLovesGilbert i think there’s a fair bit of divorced dad guilt

It would depend how much money the daughter is afer. I think I'd also want to see some proof of costs etc.

I used to work in a children's hospital, specifically in the oncology department. As you can imagine, desperate parents will clutch at any straws, and often came up with unconventional treatment regimens, mostly abroad, and usually very expensive. WITHOUT EXCEPTION, they were all scams, preying on vulnerable people for money. Our doctors at the hospital were outstanding in their quest for effective treatments for their patients, often consulting with other oncologists internationally, and using cutting-edge treatments. They would always investigate these so-called miracle cures, there was never any clinical evidence of their efficacy, and often the people peddling these weren't even medically trained or licensed. There were still some patients who would fundraise many thousands and put their children through some quite unpleasant procedures. None of them worked. Tell her to ask for a second opinion from a dedicated children's hospital, if that is not where the child is already being treated, and to trust the doctors. NHS paediatricians are brilliant.

I wouldn’t want to spend the money if it is not life limiting and the treatment unproven.

I wouldn’t contribute if you have no meaningful relationship. Agree with OH a set amount and no more and suggest he works for a few year/months to rebuild the fund. He needs to get over his guilt that ship has sailed and being fleeced just at point of retirement isn’t going to fix the relationship.

And those who mentioned quackery therapies are right understand what you are funding could be an expensive holiday abroad. NiCE / UK govt do try to restrict some expensive treatments but it is at least a process which analyses the cost benefits.ask why treatment not available in UK.

Not always the case. You’re dismissing anything OP may have observed for herself.

Reading between the lines it sounds like he's autistic? I'd be clear with your DH that any "treatments" are scams and could potentially harm this child. Could you float the idea of paying for some therapy for his daughter to help her come to terms with the diagnosis and work out how she'll cope going forward?