Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

Her feelings and attitude towards her father probably entirely lay with how things played out when she was a child tbh a lot of second wives fail to realise this and the step child is always painted in a bad light unpleasant attitude etc

I completely agree with you, I think the situation would be different if you were very close as a family. I don’t feel you should compromise unless the other family members are also contributing fairly. It does sound ugly when talking about money but it’s part of life isn’t it. I’m the same with my partner & his ex wife/kids.

I'm not going to criticise, your feelings are valid.

However your husbands feelings are as well.

I think, given the situation, you and dh should look at your finances and agree on a set amount to contribute, and not deviate from that amount.

I can't imagine he woukd enjoy retirement very much watching his grandchild struggling and not helping out at all

That’s a tough one. I think you’re well within your rights to say that “your” part of the fund is yours, but I suppose you can’t really dictate how your DH handles it. I know that if, say, he delays his retirement that has an impact on you as well - but I think that is up to him. I’d make your position clear to your DH in as sensitive a way as possible (while still being clear about it) and see what his plans are on that basis?

I wouldn’t want my hard earned money being spent on unevidenced quackery even if I really liked her. What sort of thing is she considering?

Is it something DH really wants to fund or is it divorced dad guilt speaking?

Could you enjoy retirement if this child dies and you didn’t do everything you could do help?

Could your husband enjoy retirement knowing he could have done more to save his grandson but didn’t because of his wife?

I think you need to speak to a financial planner and find out the impact of gifting money to your lifestyle going forwards. If it was an acute episode and you knew how much treatment was that would be one thing, but going abroad to explore options, is basically opening yourself to hundreds of thousands.

what happens when they identify treatment and she can’t pay for it, it is likely to be hundreds a month.

Is it something DH really wants to fund or is it divorced dad guilt speaking?

We've always had a lot of Dad guilt, so that's definitely an issue but DH is also genuinely upset about the diagnosis.

Its not life threatening

It is always very difficult to see the woods for the trees in cases like this because step relationships are often fraught. For example, I have a stepmother who happily paints me as distant and unfriendly to others. What she doesn’t mention is how she gave each of her children their own room in my father’s home and even begrudged me staying on the bed settee for a visit, or how she persuaded my father to let me stay in an abusive home because she didn’t want me there, or how she would call me in the middle of the night when she was drunk to boast about how my father loved her more. I suppose what I’m saying to OP (who I’m sure is nowhere near this bad!) is that in cases like this it is worth reflecting on whether the distance is justified in part, and whether it’s entirely fair to punish the sick child for it either way. I don’t think they need to completely plunder their savings in order to be helpful here, either. Maybe just agree an amount that all the grandparents contribute and stand firm on it?

It's her child, her and her husband pay. How much are his parents donating? She should start a fundraiser.

I'd have a mature and sensitive conversation with him, and split your savings so that you can protect yours and he can do what he likes with his. I do feel for him, but I'd feel like you do I think.

I don’t think they need to completely plunder their savings in order to be helpful here, either. Maybe just agree an amount that all the grandparents contribute and stand firm on it?

I had wondered about this. However I know DH's ex won't help, as she feels DH should pay for everything, and Jane's husbands parents are very unlikely to have any spare cash

This is another really good point. If it’s an evidenced treatment that’s one thing. If they want the money for a load of old snake oil that’s quite another and I wouldn’t be coughing up for the latter either.

I think if it’s genuine treatment that could help. But not funded or available here, then I’d feel your husband should contribute. But If it is just ‘quackery’ as mentioned by a PP, then no. But I get that your husband would want yo contribute.

If it was a proved treatment only available privately I would pay. If it's just quacks extracting money for unproven therapies I would have to be convinced there was some reasonable chance of an improvement in life quality, genuine checkable case histories, etc.

Ideally I'd agree an amount you feel comfortable with from joint finances and anything over that, DH has to delay retirement and he fund it himself.

However, if this is going to cause resentment from DH and problems in your relationship, you might have to suck up a more even split of the contribution. Is it worth seriously falling out over?

There needs to be an agreed and explicitly stated limit to the contribution.

Think if it as gifting your DH and his grandchild rather than gifting an unpleasant woman.

And try and encourage contributions from other family members.

Its a tricky one if your finances are so enmeshed but in your shoes I wouldn't want to contribute
The problem is that even if you give DH the green light to spend his "share" then you will need to subsidise him once its gone

If Jane was your own daughter, OP, how would you react? If you would give her the money without question, then of course you must do so in this case. This child is a member of your family.
However, if Jane were your daughter and you had doubts about the finance, treatment, your own financial needs, and you would say "no", then it's also fine to refuse in this case.
You have to separate how your feel about your SD from whether you think you can jointly afford this, and whether the treatment sounds convincing.

Tough one , can you agree an amount you are willing to gift and tell daughter that is all you can spare , with a crap relationship you can’t really criticise her choice of treatments without causing a storm

id give an amount that was helpful but did not damage your future but make clear that is final and total payment maybe on a tight budget she will research and be sensible with what she spends ?

Not always. Sometime people are just unpleasant. You see it in unblended nuclear families too. Some siblings are just not nice people. To anyone.

Unfortunately I know of two cases where people went abroad for treatment not available (and not really recommended) here and neither had a good result.
I do understand where you're coming from.

I see. That is difficult. Poor stepdaughter to have such a mother. That can’t have made parental relations any easier.

This is one of the hazards of having done alright for yourselves, I suppose. I think it is still possible to firmly agree a sum as a contribution. It isn’t unreasonable to expect Jane to look elsewhere for the remaining balance, in my opinion.

I think it depends a lot on the avenues she is exploring and what the benefits would be.

If she wanted to use the money to go and buy a kidney off the black market? Is she looking at experimental pharmaceutical trials? Is she looking at physiotherapy costs? Is she looking at purchasing equipment? Is she wanting the money to hire a nurse so she gets some respite?

Will the benefits be temporary or permanent? Will the costs be a one off or ongoing/increasing expense?

I think you need to know more about what she intends to spend the money on before you can make a decision on whether you want to give her anything.

Well that’s a plus, given your attitude.