Medical costs for step daughter's son

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I’ve NC for this.

DH has a daughter (let’s call her Jane), they’ve never had a brilliant relationship, she treats him like dirt to be honest, but he always goes along with it, just to maintain contact.

Jane and her husband have a son (let’s call him Sam). He is pre-school age, he’s seen specialists and its become clear he has medical problems. There’s no cure, various therapies are available, none of them proven, and of course steps can always be taken to improve day-to-day life (and that’s as specific as I’m prepared to be, in case the Daily Mail gets hold of this).

Jane has understandably been researching all this, and is interested in taking Sam abroad, to seek other opinions/treatments. You can imagine the cost. DH is keen to help as much as possible. And here is the issue: DH and I are approaching retirement. We have saved hard for this, and have plans. We have comparable jobs and have both contributed fairly equally to our joint finances and savings. So how much of this, if any, should we be sacrificing? I know a child with health issues is a very emotive subject, but I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m not sure if I want to donate chunks of my retirement fund to a fairly unpleasant woman (or even delay one or both of our retirements) when she also has a mother (who never contributes towards anything) and of course her husband (Sam’s father) also has parents.

I expect to be criticised for posting this. But if anyone can be constructive, please reply.

She didn't say the NHS doesn't provide it - she said the NHS doesn't recognise it. That's a massive difference. Absolutely some things are not provided on the NHS because they are not cost effective, but if they say it's not real medicine, it's not real medicine.

The question of what Jane and her husband are doing to fund this is very important, OP. You didn’t mention that, IIRC

They should be doing everything they reasonably can before approaching DH. If they aren’t spending on behalf of their own DS why expect your DH to do so?

Could they afford to repay a loan made by DH on formal terms?

I don't think it really matters what other grandparents contribute, means tested or not. This is medical treatment for a child, it's not like you are chipping in for a duck house. I would also try to put aside your dislike for Jane because it's still the grandson and child at the centre of it.

I expect I'll be shot down here and without seeing the figures I can't be sure, but I might be inclined to delay retirement instead of dipping into your funds for this. Say both of you delay by a handful of months, or just your husband by a bit longer, and you cap any gift at those months' earnings so zero impact on your retirement savings. Giving his grandson the gift of your time while protecting your long term future. That seems less complicated somehow, to me.

Wasn't there a famous case sometime back about parents who wanted to take their kid abroad for treatment that was not available on the NHS ?

I think I would try to look at the situation logically. Firstly how much does the treatment cost and is it a "medical expert" treatment or an "alternative" treatment.

If the treatment is incredibly costly and you can only realistically contribute a small amount what is the chance the rest of the money can be raised ? In this case if the larger amount cannot be raised then it would be pointless making the contribution.

It is not an enviable situation to be in though, very difficult to make the choice of your own future security against a treatment that is expensive and may/may not be successful.

I think a compromise would be an agreed amount between you and Dh which could be set aside to go towards treatment rather than paying in full.

When it happens you become somewhat obsessed with trying to fix it. As a mother I can’t explain the grief and pain, eventually she will realise she can’t. But it could take years, years of researching, obsessively searching for the answer to try to rewind the card that’s been dealt.

How you support now will forever leave a mark, it’s up you how you do that. I know to you it’s about the money but it’s not really about the money.

If the treatment is stem cells - I’d be very sceptical. There are some countries who offer treatment with no evidence at all that it’s effective.

This is exactly my opinion too. No one here is unreasonable

What is the diagnosis OP?
I’m curious when you say not life threatening
if we knew perhaps we could help..
for instance my son has severe verbal dyspraxia. The same condition as Chris Kamara.. I know Chris Kamara has gone across to Mexico etc for treatment for this- although not proven it helps..
whatever the case, I hope the child gets the help he needs.

And within that meta analysis there will be centres playing around with this protocol, but without following the Riordan approach to the letter and at the levels they recommend. I can literally sit here pulling apart the meta analysis.

I wouldn't give her money to blow on quackery. If there's a treatment with suitable evidence or a respectable clinical trial that would be different. I understand that she must be desperate, but throwing your money away on quacks isn't going to help.

Just as a step parent is usually painted as the wicked witch of the west on MN! Whatever decisions the OP's husband takes should not involved the OP's potential retirement standard of living being diminished, her pension, savings etc should be treated as hers and hers alone.

Hmmm, how much money we talking about here?

Don't these things even themselves out over the course of a long term relationship? Sometimes one partner spends a bit more than another and then something else will come up and the other partner will spend a bit more?

I wouldn’t be generous to someone foul to me, to be honest, at the cost of your own future,

I don't know that i could personally allow my feeling for the mother let me see the child be disadvantaged if I had the means .without knowing the condition it's hard to help but there are several childrens charities that could maybe offer some assistance have a look at family fund.
Also find out if these therapy's are available through the nhs/ school ?

I would be very sceptical of any treatments not approved by the EMA or FDA. I guess what your DH decides to do is up to him at the end of the day, as long as he understands that he only has his half of your joint retirement savings at his disposal and you will not be funding his retirement.

If they’re going abroad, it suggests that private providers in the UK don’t offer the treatment and nor does the NHS. If UK private clinics don’t offer it, I’d want to know why, it won’t be because of the budgetary constraints that apply to the NHS. Medicine in many countries is not governed by the strict rules that apply here and clinics can make unevidenced claims that wouldn’t be allowed here. I’d do some severe googling before parting with any cash, starting with finding independent evidence that the treatment works.

Depending on the severity of the condition, the likelihood of the treatment working and the amount she is asking for, I think it would be reasonable for your DH to tell Jane that the two of you will match whatever her mother (and stepfather if there is one) puts up.

If the condition is non-life threatening, unproven and your step-daughter is rude then no, I wouldn’t want to contribute. I think you are entitled to feel the way you do.

The NHS is shockingly behind many other countries for a large number of treatments, so I think you'd be wrong to encourage anyone to just take the word of UK consultants as gospel. That being said, there are unscrupulous people out there who would take advantage of parents who would do anything to help their child. So rather than encourage anyone to just stick with what's available within their own limited borders, I would encourage them to thoroughly research all options and ask these overseas clinics for their evidence-based research results. I'd also look into whether there are clinical trials the child would be eligible for, as sometimes they will pay expenses for parents and children who have to travel internationally for treatment.

But the above is all for the child's parents to decide. You are in a very awkward position. I can't imagine not giving my child whatever I could to help ease their child's suffering. That may be what your DH is feeling. It is ok for you not to feel the same, and to worry about your joint future - financial and otherwise. But if my partner tried to control what I did with my money or how I managed the relationship with my adult child, they wouldn't stay my partner.

All you can do is have honest conversations with your DH about what type of support you're willing to provide - and remember that this doesn't have to be financial, even if this is what your step daughter has asked for. If it is financial help you agree to provide, discuss how much you can both spare before it would tip you into whatever you feel is an unacceptable level. It would be unfair, for example, for him to spend all his savings and then expect that your savings would be used to support you both in retirement. Medical costs are extortionate no matter where you are, and chronic conditions often have co-morbidities, making those costs multiply swiftly, with no end in sight. I think it's important for your DH to realise that and for him to have that sort of discussion with his daughter - that he can provide some funding support, but he doesn't have a bottomless pit, so they all need to work together to agree where to spend what's available so that it has the best long-term impact. It's hard to suggest where that may be without knowing the condition, but it may be regular physiotherapy or occupational therapy, for example.

Has she actually asked for money or is this your husband guilt tripping himself and assuming an expectation on her part? I wouldn’t offer without being asked. Other considerations:

1. I would be VERY wary of bold claims made in unregulated fields in other countries. I would feel responsible if I funded s as nothing that might cause harm.
2. mad it’s a lifelong non-life threatening issue, I wouldn’t rush to contribute now. I’d wait and see how things go. It sounds like the diagnosis is fairly new and the child is still very young. In 5 or 10 years there might be more important things to contribute towards.
3. You don’t mention any other children or grandchildren, but as you never know what the future holds, I would only give an amount I could give equally to all. That would include both his children and your children.

Ashya King? I believe this case resulted in the NHS making proton therapy treatment available in the UK (if I remember correctly). His mum was arrested in Spain, I seem to recall.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashya_King_case

Sounds like you need a serious conversation with your husband OP. It’s sad because it involves an innocent child but you could easily spend your entire retirement fund on therapies that have little impact. If your husband wants to delay his retirement, or contribute funds from his pension, you can’t stop him, but you aren’t obliged to do the same.

What the other grandparents contribute is irrelevant.

How are your wills set up? When you both die, does she get the shared estate?

Desperate as she may be none of this treatment is proven and as its not a life threatening condition I'd be inclined to say no.

If having done some research and there's no evidence that it works I think your DH's DD is being selfish in asking you to hand over money that you've put aside for your own retirement.

None of this treatment is proven, had it of been my DC and i knew it had a good percentage of working I'd take out a loan myself rather than expecting others to waste their savings on quack Drs and their unproven treatments.

Chances are "as that one hasn't worked well try this"....
Then where will the bills stop.

Could you set up a Go Fund Me or something along those lines and offer a donation to kick start it, that way you're not making a rod for your own backs, just one donation and done. It could even be deducted from any future inheritance.