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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He really has forgotten about me

143 replies

Pinkerama · 03/04/2025 11:09

DH has been away for two weeks visiting family abroad. During this time I was looking after two DC under 3 and a sick dog that required a lot of extra attention. Between waking up multiple times a night for the dog and the baby, and dealing with toddler tantrums during the day, it was exhausting. On top of that, I had a cold myself, so it wasn’t a fun time.

DH got back and didn’t even bring me a box of poxy airport chocolates. I kept on top of everything while he was away relaxing and I’m not even worth that? Also, he completely forgot about Mother’s Day, didn’t even send a text.

He started unpacking and had lots of things for the kids. I was so upset when I realised that he forgot to get something for me, that I burst into tears (I know, ridiculous, but I’m exhausted and emotional). Now he’s sulking because I got upset.

AIBU to feel used and unappreciated?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/04/2025 17:07

Pinkerama · 03/04/2025 13:54

It was definitely close to his idea of holiday, not duty. He said he had a great time. His mum pampered him, he went out with friends and flew business class.

Which is all great. I wanted him to enjoy himself and rest. But I’d also like him to acknowledge that it wouldn’t have been possible without me holding down the fort.

Show quote history

It's not about the presents. Although standing there whilst everyone else is given a lovely surprise and thinking surely there must be something for me, and then nada is gutting.
He hasn't appreciated the efforts you were making to hold down the fort for TWO WEEKS whilst he relaxed and had a nice break

Sulking because you dared to pull him up on his thoughtlessness - horrible behaviour. "Adds insult to injury".

I think you've expressed very well how he's made you feel in the post above.

Now you need to tell him and he's not allowed to throw another little tantrum,.

Franjipanl8r · 03/04/2025 17:13

Book your own 2 week holiday away and don’t bring him anything back.

mambojambodothetango · 03/04/2025 17:18

The worst part is the sulking in response to you being upset. It's one thing to make an error and quite another to react defensively and childishly when your actions have hurt someone you're supposed to love.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2025 17:33

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 03/04/2025 15:54

I really don't understand. Yes, not bringing you anything and not appreciating all that you've been doing is shitty. You should book a break for just yourself 100%.

But what's up with the mother's day? You're not his mother. I phone my dad on dad's day (different countries) or send him something. So I'm also supposed to congratulate my partner? Happy father's day to the man I sleep with? He's not my father and it's bizarre. That's children's job to do mother's/father's day, surely.

I was a single mother since DD was 3 (current partner not the father). So I didn't get 'happy mother's day' until DD was older. And that's fine and normal. I certainly didn't expect my ex phoning me with 'happy mother's day' or for my boyfriend to do it.

Was your boyfriend your children's father?

He's gone away on a jolly and pretty much not even given one teeny tiny thought as to how the OP is doing

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2025 17:37

carcassonne1 · 03/04/2025 16:42

Why didn't you go with him? I don't get it. Both DH and I were born in different countries and have families there but we never travel solo. Had you gone with him, you would have had some help with the kids at least instead of suffering alone at home.

Poorly dog for one thing...

GingerPaste · 03/04/2025 17:51

daisychain01 · 03/04/2025 15:53

He sounds like the typical DH who ends up on numerous MN threads.

You are not his priority. You may have been once upon a time but you aren't now.

Getting back up his priority list will be exhausting and futile.

It isn't about the Toblerone or not remembering Mothers Day. Those are just visible symbols of the root cause. He just doesn't care.

Show quote history

Sorry, but this. He doesn’t seem to care…

Staceysmum2025 · 03/04/2025 18:13

I would forget to have sex with him for the next 40 years. See how he likes those apples.

Sortalike · 03/04/2025 18:16

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 03/04/2025 12:58

Flip it. Would mn support a woman laying out the red carpet and gifts for a man staying home parenting his own dc?
Bad timing he was away mother's day though... Maybe do something a week late this Sunday?

I go away every year for a few days with my friends. And so does DH.

We're able to do that because we parent as a team. But we also recognise that actually it can be bloody hard work. So yes, we do roll out the red carpet a bit, go out for dinner, and we always buy a token gift for each other - it's not hard to pick up a little something. Being thoughtful and considerate is so important in keeping your partner feel valued

lastminutetrip · 03/04/2025 18:19

I really hate these “I don’t expect anything on Mother’s Day except from my children”

Thats just a race to the bottom. Who put the child in your womb in the first place? Who made you a mother? All this faux martyrdom and pressure to be accommodating to mediocre men.

I wish happy Mother’s Day to all my friends, everyone I know that is a mother. Just because you’re happy with zero doesn’t mean others should be. Want better for yourself, and don’t be upset when others want better for themselves. It’s like the four Yorkshire men “when I was a child we slept in a hole in the road and we were HAPPY”. Give over.

So op, YANBU

User28473 · 03/04/2025 18:20

I imagine all the gifts for DC were from relatives, if that is who he was visiting. Even if he was passing then off as from him. The issue is he forgot mothers day. Do you get equal time to holiday child free? If not, you should.

lastminutetrip · 03/04/2025 18:26

So I'm also supposed to congratulate my partner? Happy father's day to the man I sleep with? He's not my father and it's bizarre. That's children's job to do mother's/father's day, surely.

and also, yeah. You should congratulate him. Be thankful for the people in your life regardless of how they are related to you. Why is it such hard work to drag a “have a good day” or “thanks for all you do” out of some people. It’s not your job, it should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Milosc · 03/04/2025 18:47

You are the mother of his children so yes he should acknowledge you on Mother's Day. Ffs people stop saying she isn't his mum so he owes her nothing. He wouldn't be a dad without her being the mum. How is that not important? Being the mum of his children should be important to him. Stop keeping the bar so low for husbands. He sounds like an arse.

Beebeedoo · 03/04/2025 18:52

Wouldnt bother me,he is in touch reguarly and bought for the kids

MyRamona · 03/04/2025 20:42

lazycats · 03/04/2025 16:58

I think many on here need to accept that some men just don’t view Mother’s Day as a thing, and if you think it’s a big deal you need to tell them for future reference.

They know. The issue isn’t that they don’t think Mother’s Day is a big deal, the issue is they don’t think that all the physical and emotional labor women do year round is a big deal enough to show basic gratitude on a day that is called out for them to do so. If they could get their act together on any other of the 364 days of the year, they’d likely get a pass on this one.

WilfredsPies · 03/04/2025 23:04

lazycats · 03/04/2025 16:58

I think many on here need to accept that some men just don’t view Mother’s Day as a thing, and if you think it’s a big deal you need to tell them for future reference.

Bollocks. Match that behaviour for Fathers Day and see how many men are all of a sudden very put out indeed that they haven’t been given the day off from parenting, their children aren’t falling over themselves to present cards and they’ve got nothing to open.

I think many on here need to accept that their bars for acceptable behaviour from their partners are way, way lower than they should be and that they shouldn’t have to inform the person who has vowed to love and cherish them, the person who has fucked off on a two week jolly with his friends and family, the person who left their wife to deal with a baby, a shitting dog and a tantrumming toddler for two weeks, that just a tiny fucking smidge of thoughtfulness would go a long way to showing their appreciation for everything that has been done for them to enable them to go off on the aforementioned jolly.

SunnySideDeepDown · 03/04/2025 23:07

Are you just different people? I wouldn’t think to get my partner anything. Not because I don’t love him but because I just wouldn’t think about it.

I would say a massive thank you though and probably do a few bedtimes to make up for it.

I think you’re reading too much into it. Being thoughtless is just that, it’s not intentional, he didn’t mean anything by it.

Original poster
Pinkerama · 04/04/2025 06:37

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Him going is not an issue. I encouraged him to go as I wanted him to spend time with his family. He didn’t want to take DC1 along, I would have been fine either way, so totally up to him.

I’m breastfeeding DC2, so can’t go anywhere on my own at the moment. I’ve been contemplating visiting a friend abroad for a while, so I might suggest that I go with DC2 for a long weekend.

I don’t need a huge fuss on Mother’s Day. But under the circumstances, a text would have been nice and required minimum effort. Mother’s Day was not celebrated where he was, but he still followed social media and UK news. He knew it was Mother’s Day, his excuse was ‘I didn’t think you cared’. Well, turns out I do.

We did dinner and bedtime with the DC together. He was quite cheerful with them but still sulky and snappy with me. I’m usually the one to apologise to keep the peace and I hate that this is carrying on. I think it wasn’t the welcome he expected, and I’m upset too because I really did miss him. But I don’t think I should apologise this time.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 04/04/2025 08:16

He is using the sulking and snapping as a form of control to get you to apologise that isn’t on and I suspect a real issue overall

BusyMum47 · 04/04/2025 08:29

Pinkerama · 04/04/2025 06:37

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Him going is not an issue. I encouraged him to go as I wanted him to spend time with his family. He didn’t want to take DC1 along, I would have been fine either way, so totally up to him.

I’m breastfeeding DC2, so can’t go anywhere on my own at the moment. I’ve been contemplating visiting a friend abroad for a while, so I might suggest that I go with DC2 for a long weekend.

I don’t need a huge fuss on Mother’s Day. But under the circumstances, a text would have been nice and required minimum effort. Mother’s Day was not celebrated where he was, but he still followed social media and UK news. He knew it was Mother’s Day, his excuse was ‘I didn’t think you cared’. Well, turns out I do.

We did dinner and bedtime with the DC together. He was quite cheerful with them but still sulky and snappy with me. I’m usually the one to apologise to keep the peace and I hate that this is carrying on. I think it wasn’t the welcome he expected, and I’m upset too because I really did miss him. But I don’t think I should apologise this time.

Don't apologise or let him off the hook - he's been a thoughtless, selfish prick!!

So he's had a 2wk relaxing holiday while you've had a really shit time of it & he can't even be bothered to acknowledge Mother's Day on behalf of his 'way too young to do it themselves' children? And no grateful 'thank you' when he got home? No 'let's get a takeaway & do something nice at the weekend'? No bunch of flowers? Not even a crappy airport gift? Nothing?? He expected some sort of hero's welcome & for you to be fawning all over him? Twat. Absolute twat.

Chezxx · 04/04/2025 09:35

Your dynamic sounds very off.

He is a bully that expects you to be grateful he returned.

Selfish bully.
Not surprised he didn't want to take your eldest.
Consistent with a selfish lazy man.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/04/2025 09:59

Sherararara · 03/04/2025 15:03

So what?

Show quote history

Because it was a fun holiday for him with his family, flying business class, while his wife remained at home looking after their children and a sick dog. He could have brought back a small token of his appreciation but he couldn't be arsed.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/04/2025 10:04

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 03/04/2025 15:54

I really don't understand. Yes, not bringing you anything and not appreciating all that you've been doing is shitty. You should book a break for just yourself 100%.

But what's up with the mother's day? You're not his mother. I phone my dad on dad's day (different countries) or send him something. So I'm also supposed to congratulate my partner? Happy father's day to the man I sleep with? He's not my father and it's bizarre. That's children's job to do mother's/father's day, surely.

I was a single mother since DD was 3 (current partner not the father). So I didn't get 'happy mother's day' until DD was older. And that's fine and normal. I certainly didn't expect my ex phoning me with 'happy mother's day' or for my boyfriend to do it.

While the children are too young to organise anything themselves, the expectation is that the dad will help the kids buy/make a present and card for Mother's Day and vice versa for Father's Day.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:16

thepariscrimefiles · 04/04/2025 09:59

Because it was a fun holiday for him with his family, flying business class, while his wife remained at home looking after their children and a sick dog. He could have brought back a small token of his appreciation but he couldn't be arsed.

Show quote history

And then he gaslighted her for the suggestion that he should have brought something back for her.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2025 10:32

"His excuse was ‘I didn’t think you cared’. Well, turns out I do."

Yeah. I bet it is a downer to come home from a blissful two weeks away to a full on toddler, BF baby, sick dog, sick wife scenario.

It's even more of a downer to have been coping in that scenario on your own and then have to put up with the returning hero's strop and pathetic excuse for not giving you any kind attention.

So he made a decision that you didn't care about such as silly commercial holidays such as Mother's Day, thereby deciding that he's absolved from any effort. The sillier and more artificial a holiday it is, the easier is to paint you as silly for caring about it.

He still thinks its about Mothers Day.The reason mums get mad about this holiday when its overlooked is that it's hardly a big stretch to take the time to acknowledge with they do for the family... which is not about spending money but about acknowledgement and teaching the children to acknowledge it too, is a good example to them. It's an acknowledgement of your constant care and effort. That is not silly.
Turns out he was wrong, but instead of saying Sorry I was wrong and I will make amends, he's taking it out on you, how very dare you call him out on this? Sulky, Snappy, expecting YOU to apologise for enlightening him.

But It's not about Mother's Day

It's about the fact that you made it possible for him to go on a relaxing two week break, whilst you too care of the children inc small BF baby and sick dog alone, you had to watch him distributing presents and realise - nothing for you. You've had a hard two weeks and he's doesn't see any reason to have any empathy about that. He in turn was mad that he didn't get a fawning welcome, but he didn't give you a fond welcome. There's no give and take here. In that one partner is doing all the effort and giving and one partner is doing all the taking and throwing a strop if this is even mentioned as its spoiled their vibe.

People who are returning sulking and snapping and not doing anything to make up for the absence or showing any gratitude to the person who made it possible do not deserve an apology from the person they've been mean to.

They need to be told calmly and clearly why this is not acceptable and let it sink in, so they have a chance to make amends, or at least to try to work out what that is or even (bare minimum) understand why the behaviour is unacceptable.

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 13:31

Pinkerama · 04/04/2025 06:37

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Him going is not an issue. I encouraged him to go as I wanted him to spend time with his family. He didn’t want to take DC1 along, I would have been fine either way, so totally up to him.

I’m breastfeeding DC2, so can’t go anywhere on my own at the moment. I’ve been contemplating visiting a friend abroad for a while, so I might suggest that I go with DC2 for a long weekend.

I don’t need a huge fuss on Mother’s Day. But under the circumstances, a text would have been nice and required minimum effort. Mother’s Day was not celebrated where he was, but he still followed social media and UK news. He knew it was Mother’s Day, his excuse was ‘I didn’t think you cared’. Well, turns out I do.

We did dinner and bedtime with the DC together. He was quite cheerful with them but still sulky and snappy with me. I’m usually the one to apologise to keep the peace and I hate that this is carrying on. I think it wasn’t the welcome he expected, and I’m upset too because I really did miss him. But I don’t think I should apologise this time.

Ugh on you “usually being the one to apologize” surely this isn’t right? He has been thoughtless and you have explained that to him. He should be able to handle an apology and repair. If you have to keep shtuum for fear of his sulking and coldness your marriage has a whole other level of dysfunction that you have not been able to acknowledge.