He really has forgotten about me

[Pinkerama]

DH has been away for two weeks visiting family abroad. During this time I was looking after two DC under 3 and a sick dog that required a lot of extra attention. Between waking up multiple times a night for the dog and the baby, and dealing with toddler tantrums during the day, it was exhausting. On top of that, I had a cold myself, so it wasn’t a fun time.

DH got back and didn’t even bring me a box of poxy airport chocolates. I kept on top of everything while he was away relaxing and I’m not even worth that? Also, he completely forgot about Mother’s Day, didn’t even send a text.

He started unpacking and had lots of things for the kids. I was so upset when I realised that he forgot to get something for me, that I burst into tears (I know, ridiculous, but I’m exhausted and emotional). Now he’s sulking because I got upset.

AIBU to feel used and unappreciated?

I was explaining in case you didn’t understand the circumstances from the op, as your comment about business travel is off topic. But I can see you’re just being deliberately obtuse.

If he’s travelling to a lovely two week holiday whilst I’m ill with a poorly dog and children at home running on no sleep then abso-bloody-lutely yes! And if it was the other way round I would be bringing something mega thoughtful back to say thank you for holding the fort under difficult circumstances which allowed me to go and have a great holiday! I don’t know if it’s just me but the bar feels really low sometimes…

My DH travels a lot for work and he always brings me a gift home, even if it's just a bar mat that made him think of me or a bar of chocolate and the only thing I'm in charge of while he's away is our old dog. OP, you are absolutely in the right here to feel overlooked and taken for granted. Hopefully when he's grown up and stopped sulking you can sit down and explain why you were upset.

When is your two weeks away while he looks after the kids?

When left to cope with baby, toddler and dog on her own for 2 weeks, damn YES!!

My DH brings me a gift if he’s only away for a weekend, to show he loves and misses me.

anyone who thinks this treatment is ok has too low a bar for their partner’s behaviour. But then I see you (quoted poster Herbychops) being chippy with OP’s all over this site as if women asking to be treated well is somehow beyond the pale.

and the sulking - omg. He needs a talking to. Idiot.

Now he’s sulking because I got upset.

I think blokes who get upset about this sort of thing, just don't like being called out on things, it's not because they think they are right and you're wrong, it's because they don't like it pointing out to them and take it as a personal attack.

I used to work for one of those, if I ever showed any annoyance about him cocking something up he would hit the roof, the first couple of times he did it and I stood there in stunned silence, after that I used to just walk out while he was mid meltdown and go home till the next day.. fuck him and his inability to regulate his emotions.

You have a right to be upset OP, I do think he needs to show more appreciation for what it took for him to have this two week care-free holiday, hopefully after his sulkathon he'll come to his senses and come to apologise and thank you for everything you do.

What is it with men fucking sulking when they've had their attention drawn to the fact they have behaved poorly? Why do they seem to want to compound their crapness?

DH travels weekly for work and always goes into M &S to get a treat for both me and the kids - I’m not sure he did when they were tiny though . He’s done it OP - what counts now is what he does or doesn’t do to make it better . I truly hope you at least get a genuine apology

I wouldn’t expect any gifts, especially not chocolate from the airport - isn’t it ridiculously expensive?

I think it’s a bit childish to expect a box of chocolates just because the kids got stuff.

And I wouldn’t expect a Mother’s Day text from anyone other than my children.

But I would feel upset at feeling unappreciated.

It does sound like he kept in contact regularly though and so I’m not sure how he can make you feel more appreciated apart from telling you to go and relax whilst he takes over the parenting and household duties for a couple of days.

So if he hasn’t done this then YANBU, if he has offered to do this then YABU and probably just tired.

I second this but go one step further and say go and spend the weekend with a friend or relative and let him take over everything for a short while. Perhaps even a hotel if you fancy doing nothing but relaxing.

Or a nice perfume

Did DH’s family not send any gifts for you?! My DH went to visit his sister abroad and his parents were also visiting her at the time. When he returned he only bought me some dates with cashew nuts as those are my favourite delicacy from the middle east. But my BIL and SIL sent me a Tory Burch handbag and my inlaws a gucci perfume gift set. They also sent gifts for the kids. DH had to buy an additional suitcase as he usually travels very light! 😂 Mind you, I did send gifts for all of them when he went out to visit so they all reciprocated. He said he figured I was getting enough presents so he got the dates. I was happy as I wasn’t expecting anything!

On the surface, I think crying (or just being annoyed) over not getting a present is a bit childish and I'd be a bit unimpressed if that was my reception when I'd been away for weeks. But appreciate that you have been struggling with solo parenting, lack of sleep and a sick dog.

For me, unless he'd found something unusual that he knew I'd love (not likely at an airport or if he were spending time with his family), a present would be tokenism and neither of us have much time for that. We're not kids impressed by airport teddy bears and "I 💖[city]" t-shirts.

Was there something he should have known to get you? Do you always get a particular bottle from duty free? Or is there something available in his family's home town that you love and can't get elsewhere?

I think he should be extraordinarily grateful to you and should be planning to take over extra chores and childcare and make sure you get time to yourself. Is this likely? I don't think a present from a trip to see family is necessarily a good indication of his love and appreciation for you, but if there is no indication of that love and appreciation that's a big problem.

I didn’t particularly want chocolate from the airport, I meant that if he didn’t have time to get anything, he could have bought something at the airport. I didn’t particularly want a gift at all. It’s just the fact that he completely forgot Mother’s Day that upset me a bit under the circumstances. I thought maybe he remembered later and got me something to make up for it. If he had just come home and said ‘sorry I was away on Mother’s Day, let’s do something now’ I would have been happy.

I’m sure I wouldn’t hold it against my DH if the DC forgot to text me when they’re old enough to do so. But while they’re little, I think we need to model the behaviour we expect from them in the future.

If he's not typically selfish and inconsiderate, I'd be inclined to think he simply doesn't realise how hard you've worked and how challenging it's been to be on your own for two weeks with DC and dog. I'd then be equally inclined to fix that with some experiential learning.

A gift on return from a trip signifies “I missed you. I thought about you. I wanted to treat you. I kept you in mind even when you were not in front of me.” Wanting that recognition is not childish! Not doing it—not thanking OP for her work holding down the fort—is taking her for granted. She’s not the hired help. She’s not a store bought appliance.

Ok when’s your holiday booked? It’s the only way to change things

I'm sure a few airport choccies can't be that expensive for a man who can afford to fly business class.

He sounds like the typical DH who ends up on numerous MN threads.

You are not his priority. You may have been once upon a time but you aren't now.

Getting back up his priority list will be exhausting and futile.

It isn't about the Toblerone or not remembering Mothers Day. Those are just visible symbols of the root cause. He just doesn't care.

I really don't understand. Yes, not bringing you anything and not appreciating all that you've been doing is shitty. You should book a break for just yourself 100%.

But what's up with the mother's day? You're not his mother. I phone my dad on dad's day (different countries) or send him something. So I'm also supposed to congratulate my partner? Happy father's day to the man I sleep with? He's not my father and it's bizarre. That's children's job to do mother's/father's day, surely.

I was a single mother since DD was 3 (current partner not the father). So I didn't get 'happy mother's day' until DD was older. And that's fine and normal. I certainly didn't expect my ex phoning me with 'happy mother's day' or for my boyfriend to do it.

I would suggest having your mother's day this Sunday. It does sound a bit rubbish he didn't think to get cards from the children beforehand (unless he still has these and is going to surprise you at some point). I assume they don't go to nursery so you didn't get anything from there either.

You are not his priority. Did I miss why all of you didn’t go on holiday? Time to think about the future of your relationship. You seem to be managing everything on your own - so what does he bring to the table?

He is a selfish thoughtless twat actually. I would not put up with this and he doesn’t get to sulk just because he is a cunt who treats his wife poorly.

Selfish pig - stop cooking and washing his clothes - you need a break - any chance you could get away with friends for a child free weekend. I would ge very upset my his lack of care.

When do you get a holiday to recharge your batteries?

I'd be doing fuck all for him until get gets on the beam and stops taking you for granted.