Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

[northernsunshine]

Inspired by the other thread, I’m saying what I’m saying. Too many people - in particular white British people - care more important their inheritance than their relatives.

So much moaning and sniping about their relatives having to sell their homes to pay for their care - yes, it is a service! Unfortunately under capitalism that is how things work. There are other options, take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

I don’t blame us (I’m also white British) I blame capitalism and individualism which promotes us all to be separate from our families, to be obsessed with buying and scrolling and to reject community, be suspicious of our neighbours and to be isolated because we’re more economically productive that way and “they” (business/ the gov/ the man) can wring us for every pound.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

Bollocks.

I'm white British and I hope my inlaws use their wealth to give themselves the very best care they can find.

I still think blood sucking care homes charging exorbitant fees are a national disgrace.

My parents did not go into care homes, but still left no inheritance. Being poor does that to you.

MIL is in one and yes it is costing a fortune, but it is her money/house to be spent on making her last years comfortable. She has dementia and is bedbound, I have heart issues, DH works, so no we wouldn't have her living here, hence she pays to have the care she needs.

I am white and British, as is my husband, but don't care about inheritance, what is spent is spent.

Disagree. My mum is in a care home for which she is paying from her assets. There is highly unlikely to be anything left. This is not an issue. My mum, me and my siblings are really happy that she chose to go into a brilliant home and somewhat relieved.

Me and my siblings are still at a stage where we are working full time and will be for years. None of us could meet her care needs 24/7/365. She has friends, lots of social activities and her needs are catered for really well. It is the best approach for her. There is nothing from our end about trying to avoid paying or feeling concerned about not inheriting money. We got a lot more than that from both our parents.

I agree!

People want their cake and eat it - not to have to care for their parents (so have someone else do it) and also inherit their parents’ money, that needs to be spent on their care!

I’m not saying it’s easy to care for elderly parents but that’s why it costs money!

Right, so are we just ignoring the fact that in most countries with intergenerational living they aren't all squished into 2/3 bed UK semis/terraces?

There's presumably a "woman" also involved somewhere in there, wife/mother/daughter, whose not able to work to provide this "free care"?

Sounds like a utopian paradise for those lucky lucky ladies 🙄

I think it totally depends on the kind of relationship you have with your parents. My Mum and Dad were abusive, narcissistic and quite frankly awful, but wealthy. Getting a decent inheritance from each of them (they divorced when I was 13) is about the only good thing I’ve ever got from them in my life. Cold but true.

Not sure the random racial prejudice is really called for.

get away with you

white British and fully prepared for my parents having to pay for care and me and my siblings getting nothing

that said the fees are extortionate for what you get but it is what it is

Tbf, I think it’s often the other way round. Elderly parents don’t want to see their home spent on care fees, because they had hoped to leave something substantial to their children.

MIL in a home, BIL not keen for her to sell the house, fought us all the way to get her in a dementia home as he wants the inheritance, it’s awful.

Yep, I want every penny I can get from my parents and my ILS because they are and have always been a complete waste of space.

Getting a couple of quid from them will be the only good thing any of them have done or contributed to me, my husband or my kids… ever.
Not likely because they have nothing, so that’s that.

take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives

That is a very naive, rosy view of how it works in other cultures. Some women have a hellish time in intergenerational homes caring for sometimes abusive relatives, but have no choice. At least we have a choice not to care for abusive relatives or to welcome non abusive ones.

UK care home fees are crazy compared to those in other countries.

And it’s not getting you higher quality of care or better treated staff.

The disconnect seems to come with our approach to medical treatment for elderly and infirm. There’s a real fixation with quantity of life rather than quality of life.

@northernsunshine one other factor is many of these inter generational families are busy passing money between each other an awful lot to buy homes/businesses etc - it is many of their cultural norms to’share’ ‘family’ assets whilst alive and when younger - whereas on the elderly parents thread on mumsnet there are plenty of cantankerous and stubborn elderly parents who would actually hang on to every penny till they die whether they needed it or not , whilst still expecting family help in regards to care - so plenty of people simply aren’t in the position to house elderly parents or pay for care at home or retire early etc. the cultural differences matter .

As a paramedic who has been to many, many care homes in my 20 year career, I will do everything I can to keep my parents out of care homes, including living with them again, not because of money, but because the care provided in these places is shit and there is no way I will subject my parents to that.

I’m not interested in inheriting anything from my parents, I don’t need to. I hope they spend it all on making their own lives enjoyable and comfortable for as long as they can.

Guilt tripping about caring for elderly relatives at home is not fair though - very elderly and frail people can live for decades, often with extremely challenging needs. I had an aunt with a form of dementia who lived five years barely conscious in a nursing home bed, requiring round the clock care. The five prior to that she had gradually became doubly incontinent, prone to wandering off, violent, hallucinating and a complete insomniac. In no way could her family possibly have safely looked after her at home, kind hearted or otherwise. Money was nothing to do with it.

Comparisons with cultures and historical periods where the role and other expectations of women were totally different and where living into your nineties with years of multiple medical problems and severe dementia was unusual just aren’t valid comparisons.

OP - you looking after a doubly inconintent parent? Not being able to turn your back on them for what they might do? Not being able to go out without arranging for someone to look after parent.

No - I didn’t think so!!

My Dad lives with us. We've found a lovely care home which we use for respite. I'd be perfectly comfortable with him being there and that cost is expensive but I can understand why as the costs must be high (it's nowhere near as exorbitant as many).

However, despite the fab care, the menu choices, and the activities he was still desperate to come home (and called me regularly to tell me so!). Living with 35 others has it challenges and it was that he didn't like.

One day, given he has dementia, I'm sure there will be no choice. It's very hard work caring 24/7. But I guarantee you if a home is the best place for him, and where he is happiest, that's fine. Many don't want that though - if there are other options.

A lot of intergenerational cultures the woman ends up caring for her mother in law as it tends to be the sons responsibility to house his parents.

I quite like my mil but I'm not sure I want to look after her with dementia. Half of mumsnetter can't stand thier mother in law even visiting once a year.

Okay you are right.

However, isn't the counterpoint that many of those who are fortunate to enjoy wealth in their retirement, are often happy to prioritise luxury holidays and maintaining their assets over the wellbeing of their immediate descendants who are struggling financially with few assets despite working full time and trying to raise families?

Sometimes the commentary seems a little unidirectional. Younger people should care and support older generations emotionally and practically AND older generations should spend their disproportionate wealth entirely on themselves??? Because they "earned" it, which as a generalisation means they purchased a house in the 90s.

Of course this is a complete generalisation because many older people are impoverished (though those aren't the ones with potentially heritable assets that you refer to), likewise many older people are very generous. However, by the same token many younger people are very caring, generous with their time, unentitled and so on. I actually think, in most cases, it is the elderly person who wants to avoid spending their assets on care so that they can be passed down, and the younger generation who wants to see the elderly person spend their money to be cared for in safety and comfort. So perhaps I see the best in both.

The point I'm trying to make is that you can bash younger people about this as much as you like but there is a simple reason to explain both why they might struggle to support elderly parents and why they pin their hopes on inheritance... that reason is that they are broke working flat out in a COL and housing crisis. Not because all younger people are some kind of unusually cold generation of money grabbing granny stranglers.

I see this a lot. It's one of the many reasons I don't want kids.

To basically be ignored when I'm over 60, with everyone waiting/hoping for me to die... no thanks

I did initially vote YANBU as I mistakenly thought it was about grabby people after inheritance. But I now see it is about adult kids not stepping up to care after their parents.
YABU. My mum was a carer for her dad but he needed shopping and meals doing mostly . He refused personal care from his DD as he wanted to keep his dignity.
My paternal gran had vascular dementia and needed 24/7 care. Given all her own children were still working, there was no option other than a care home... and she was psychotic and violent. Her adult kids were not trained in how to deal with that, and could not spend every minute of the day watching her anyway.

@Tuttifrutticutiepie agree with all that

Many people have very loving relationships with older parents. Usually when that parent was a good, loving parent to them. Some parents were crap or abusive. I'm very glad I don't live in a culture where as a woman I'd be expected to live with and martyr myself to care for an abusive parent. Not quite as rosy as you are making it out to be.

Is your opinion based on personal experience @northernsunshine? Are you caring for your elderly parents? Are you aware of how private funding of residential care works? Private funders are charged more than local authority funded residents. They are subsidising other people's care. When their money runs out, the local authority may decide to not fund them staying in that home. Had they not been paying for someone else's care, they would more than likely have enough funds to remain. Can you explain why you think that is fair?

It is a two tier system which takes advantage of vulnerable people at a time when they are unable to advocate for themselves. I have no problem with paying for care. I have a problem with using my loved one's assets to pay for someone else's care to their own possible detriment.