Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

[northernsunshine]

Inspired by the other thread, I’m saying what I’m saying. Too many people - in particular white British people - care more important their inheritance than their relatives.

So much moaning and sniping about their relatives having to sell their homes to pay for their care - yes, it is a service! Unfortunately under capitalism that is how things work. There are other options, take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

I don’t blame us (I’m also white British) I blame capitalism and individualism which promotes us all to be separate from our families, to be obsessed with buying and scrolling and to reject community, be suspicious of our neighbours and to be isolated because we’re more economically productive that way and “they” (business/ the gov/ the man) can wring us for every pound.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

@northernsunshine what do you think the way forward is here? People should accept that any potential inheritance goes on care fees? Or that younger children/people should step-up to care for parents/family?

In terms of inter-generational caring, how is this workable for most families? Where often all the adults work? In the past, and in my family, women gave up on their aspirations to care for elderly relatives. Is that your solution? And people are living to be much older and frailer with complex health problems for longer. People with dementia, for example, can be paranoid, violent and abusive. Is it fair for the rest of the family to be subject to that?

I’d really like to hear how you think this should be tackled as a society.

This is such an interesting perspective and has triggered a memory I’d forgotten about. I worked in a care home in a non-care role for a few years before going to university and ever since I’ve always felt I would never want my grandparents or parents (who I have a rocky but loving relationship with) to live in a care home for the same reason.

Well not all care homes are shit

Also I am one of those people who is determined to dodge care home fees by spending the majority of my money by my late 60s or giving it away to my kids

downsiZing and buying a cheap flat also

I do think it's wrong that so many want to avoid paying for their own care but the problem is partly because wages are so shit.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

It's house prices & the obsession with them ever increasing which has fucked things.

Plus many women who traditionally would care for older relatives work now.

A lazy and racist generalisation.

one other factor is many of these inter generational families are busy passing money between each other an awful lot to buy homes/businesses etc - it is many of their cultural norms to’share’ ‘family’ assets whilst alive and when younger - whereas on the elderly parents thread on mumsnet there are plenty of cantankerous and stubborn elderly parents who would actually hang on to every penny till they die whether they needed it or not

excellent point

Oh fuck off with your silly generalisations. I'm white British and I couldn't give a toss about "my inheritance". I'd far rather that my dad enjoyed his money while he still can. And in the meantime, I bend over backwards to look after him, as my own mum did for her dad before he died.

You and/or your own family might be more interested in what you can inheritance, but many of us have been caring for our elderly relatives for many years.

Sanctimonious unrealistic twaddle.

And goady.

If you can, you do. Care for elderly parents that is, for the most part. And it breaks you. And when you can't, it breaks your heart.

Currently fragged after spending 8 -10 hours a day for 8 days advocating for frail elderly father in hospital where he wouldn't need to be if GP and other "services" hadn't ignored and discounted his needs. Batshit and vile SM also left down. DM Had the decency to die at my home from ovarian cancer that was fobbed off as IBS for two fucking years of Fodmap diet and got to stage 4 five years ago. MIL whom I inherited when DP died is EOL Alzheimers in a nursing home. She had another seizure tonight. Don't know if her funeral or my Dad's will come first. No inheritance com8ng my way from any quarter,but if there was money I wouldn't care, I'd spend every penny on care to release me from the hell I'm in. By the time it's over, I'll be in my 60s and I'm planning to spare my son the trauma of my demise if humanly possible.

You, and others like you OP should just shut up and let those of us doing our best in the face of unimaginable tragedy and suffering muddle on without being guilt tripped in any direction. Just shut the fuck up.

Hopefully OP will respond to this.

This.
I haven't seen anyone gripe about losing their inheritance to care homes so perhaps I'm not the audience for this post. Most I are:

a. Happy their parents are happy, don't feel like they are "owed" money from their parents and would rather their parents are comfortable

b. Have elderly parents at the same time as they have small children and/or full time jobs they can't cut down on, so if they did move their parent in there wouldn't be the capacity within the family to look after them

FWIW I'm from one of the cultures where there is intergenerational living and the whole set up has to be different for it to work. There needs to be more (able bodied) people at home to look after those that aren't, in your home and in the neighborhood in general (otherwise the whole thing becomes lonely and insular). For that, (generally) men need to feel secure their one income will support everyone and (generally) women need to feel secure and happy staying at home. Our whole family/culture have pushed and pushed us all to be educated, get "good jobs" and become financially secure, but as a consequence we don't generally have time/capacity to look after elderly parents as we've had kids later and everyone works.

I doubt OP is caring for elderly relatives or she wouldn't have such a naive view of it.

You’re advocating more drudgery for middle aged women because they’ll end up as the main care givers. Miserable.

I lost my mum earlier this year. She was unwell with multiple organs failing for years and then.the end came quite suddenly, which I was incredibly thankful for.

She was at the point of needing a care home, or large care package at home, but fought tooth and nail against any help.

She would have hated being in a home and hated spending her life savings even more. I was juggling full time work, too primary age child and a 2 hour drive from her. It's a huge stress being part of the sandwich generation. I got there earlier than most (I'm early forties) but this is going to be a huge ticking time bomb in my generation where mot people work long hours and may have limited pension.

You can only get away with that prejudice statement because you said white British. If you’d said any other ethnic minority group, there would be fucking uproar!

I often wonder how many elderly relatives people have cared for when they advise everybody "should" look after elderly relatives.

I'm sure lots of people underestimate the needs of many elderly people. They don't go into a home because they cant manage to do their own shopping, or struggle to cook.a meal, or need some company. It's people with complex needs - who struggle to go to the toilet themselves, that may have dementia, can't feed themselves, have no idea of time, or night and day, and might wander off in the early hours. So essentially 24/7 care. That is not affordable, financially (meaning the woman someone had to give up work) or sustainable over a long period of time.

I'm in my fifties and still have a career type job- full time. Mum (80) and I actually had a conversation today about whether or not she should go into care. She was so against it because she is desperate to save her (substantial) money for me to inherit.
She is very frail and has a progressive illness that will cause her death.

My take on it is that she uses her funds to make her remaining time as comfortable as it can be. If there is anything left then great. At the minute she is all oh I'm fine living alone - I'm managing. This is only because I live 5 mins away and sort everything out.

We have an agreement I will never do any personal care- I want to be her daughter and not her carer. I will wash up, get groceries delivered (that I am there to put away) take her to her many medical appointments and organise all of her life. Pillbox sorted every Sunday. She still cleans her house just slowly- cleaner than mine tbh does her washing to a point- I change her bedding. She can still cook - some meals from scratch but lot of nice ready meals there for when she is rough.

It's hard - in years gone by I would have been a housewife at this stage and been able to properly look after her. But I'm not and I don't want to be and she does not want that for me. I dread to think what things will look like in a few years. She would have died by now in times gone by but modern medicine keeps many alive that would have died in their 60's or 70's. FIL lived til 94 and MIL to 92. Fil's quality of life was dire he was in a bed in a home for 5 yrs. Mum would have gone 10yrs ago naturally without many medical interventions.

Sorry that's a long ramble but that's our lives at the moment and it's hard for all.

Disagree but only because it's not my experience with people I know, I can't speak for the wider population.

For me personally I would have been happy to have my parents go into care homes but they refused. This has meant me leaving my job to provide care, which has been brutal. My remaining surviving parent still refuses as they want me and my siblings to inherit, but I might prefer it. If my remaining parent gets dementia I will make that choice for them as I know I couldn't cope.

It's an extremely divisive subject. If I can physically do it, I'll care for my parents if needed - not because I want an inheritance, but because they're both wonderful people and I'm very close to them. If my sister and I can't, then we'll be seeking out the best and kindest people we can to help care for them. If that absorbs all their money, then so be it - our priority will always be making sure they're treated as kindly and nicely as we have always been.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I am so sorry you’re going through this

MIL recently passed away and spent her last 2 years in a care home with zero mobility and dementia. She couldn’t have been cared for at home by family as we were too far away and all of us still working full time and quite frankly none of us would have been able to give her the type of care she needed.

My own parents are still very independent but if they were to decline and I was unable to look after them (my sibling lives the other end of the Country so day to day care would fall to me as I’m local to them but I work full time and cannot afford to not be working) then I’d rather them have the care and dignity in a place that could give them good care and keep them safe and stuff the inheritance

It's not free to care for relatives at home. It would cost me my wages. A few years lost wages is a lot more than my mum's house is worth. (It's a cheap house, not mortgageable).

It would also cost me my own house, as I have a mortgage on that. And I'm a single parent. We need my wage.

Having said that, if all my mum's money goes to care costs, so be it. I have no alternative anyway.

It's not free though is it? A lot of elderly people need a lot of care input. Most people cannot afford to quit work to care for their parents, and carers allowance is pittance.

Care is also exceptionally difficult, particularly when you start adding in things like dementia.

I also just think...you don't choose to be born. If you're having kids in the hope they'll look after you in the future, you shouldn't be having kids.

I'm currently 31, my dad is 80, and my mum is 68. Neither have any care needs yet. My dad still goes on four holidays a year and long walks lol. If it came to it, I'd be happy to help a bit with things like meals/shopping, but I have a 9mo baby, and it couldn't come at the cost of caring for her needs. I'm also going back to work full time and won't burnt out by taking on too much care burden.

It's also a feminist issue imo, as the burden of care primarily falls to daughters.

These days many women are expected to:

Work full time and contribute 50/50 to the household whilst doing the majority of house admin, cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Oh and let's add caring for elderly parents and in-laws to the mix.

And some posters will say that the husband should be pulling his weight... Sure, in an ideal world. But at the end of the day it is rare for men to be 50/50 in anything but financially.

The expectation on women to be carers for everyone in their lives is misogynistic and sad. The women I know who have ended up caring for eldery parents or in laws are exhausted, run down and they have aged well before their time.

If the world wasn't set up to force women into doing the majority of the work in every aspect, maybe what you propose would be okay, but the reality is that caring for elderly relatives is a woman's burden.

This would have been somewhat acceptable in the days of housewives and women staying at home. This is no longer reality.

I don't believe parents should expect care from their children.

I don't believe women should be guilted because they don't have the time, energy, ability to be carers.

I also don't believe that private care home residents should be paying more those who aren't private.

This is my mum's attitude. Everytime she states something along these lines, I re-iterate to her that her, and my, now deceased, father, saved for THEIR future. Their DC need to stand on their own two feet. I think I am getting somewhere, until one of my siblings (male) accuses her of spending too much, and back to square one. Repeat, repeat. Guess which one of the siblings has had stable work, and which one hasn't?

It is much harder OP than I think you realise. I understand why she wants her assets to go to her family. I want those assets to look after her. But I would prefer those assets not go to fund a business owner's luxurious lifestyle. Decent care staff need a decent salary and I dont believe that is the case.

Everyone's experience and circumstances are different. You are being naive, at best. Your ideal of "intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives" is completely unrealistic unless they are at the early stages of things, and you have plenty of family around to do nothing better than to care for them, with little regard for their own well-being or that of their children, or their own lifes goals. Unless you have cared for elderly parents that are doubly incontinent, dementia'd, mobility problems and require almost constant care and supervision, for multiple years, whilst simultaneously holding down a job, and looking after your own family, then you are not really in position to give an opinion, and from this thread, you will see that plenty do not give two hoots about their inheritance, they just want their parents to be well cared for by people that are qualified to do it. Not sure where the race thing comes in "white british" but I think it is almost irrelevant, caring, and making decisions for an elderly parent that you love is difficult.