Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

[northernsunshine]

Inspired by the other thread, I’m saying what I’m saying. Too many people - in particular white British people - care more important their inheritance than their relatives.

So much moaning and sniping about their relatives having to sell their homes to pay for their care - yes, it is a service! Unfortunately under capitalism that is how things work. There are other options, take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

I don’t blame us (I’m also white British) I blame capitalism and individualism which promotes us all to be separate from our families, to be obsessed with buying and scrolling and to reject community, be suspicious of our neighbours and to be isolated because we’re more economically productive that way and “they” (business/ the gov/ the man) can wring us for every pound.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

I totally understand. Every situation is different, and you sometimes have to walk away for your own sanity!

@MichaelandKirk , um the OP didn’t answer your question and might well be prepared to look after a needy relative. I did with both my mum and dad and it was a tough decade with three brutal years at the end.
Most people work until they’re quite old themselves which makes caring for an elderly relative very difficult and there is very little support from the state however it’s undeniable that our culture is more inclined to pass the buck when it comes to elderly care. My brother and his wife both ‘practising Christians ‘ and both retired at the time pushed for my parents to go into a home and when I took on their care were pretty unhelpful. They knew however because they’d gone through all their paperwork exactly how much they were worth!
The OP’s point is valid, we often treat our old people disgracefully in this country.

We have the opposite problem. In-laws with difficulties refusing to spend on their own care, as they want to leave an inheritance.

I currently have no capacity to take on extra caring & would dearly love them to spend their money on care for my very distressed mil.

Bil & dh agree, can't get Fil to understand we're ok, Mil isn't.

Come back when you’ve wiped your own mother’s arse. I have.

Definitely this in our family. My DF is borderline obsessed with leaving inheritance to his children and grandchildren. In his words he ‘worked bloody hard to get where he is now’ and he did. He would absolutely loathe being in a care home so if it was something I could cope with I would move in and look after him.

I think in many cases it’s the unfairness of it that grates, don’t save, get it for free, save all your life, pay more to subsidise the council. It isn’t right but what is the alternative?

The OP has very clearly never done any caring - as others say:

Would you wipe your Dad's bottom and scrub his underwear?

Say goodbye to holidays and giving any attention to your children

Give up work?

Have plenty of money to fund any help unless of course you are planning to do EVERYTHING yourself

Have to answer the same questions again and again?

Not ever have a good nights sleep because the parent wanders in the night?

Be prepared for the parent to not only not be happy but to take out the anger on you personally. Other people will be welcomed but they only see a snapshot of the parent. They then leave and the role is again down to you

My father could have had a billion in the bank and i still wouldnt have cared for him
Being an abusive parent dont create kids who will care for you in old age

In my case, it made me essentially go into hiding until he died - aint no way anyone was going to try contact me and try guilt me to help with his care

My mum is 76 and needs a bit of help. She refuses to sell her house and downsize because she worked so hard to get it and wants to leave it to us as she says she never gave us much. I tell her off as two of us have more than her anyway but the others need it. I’ll keep nagging.

Agree completely. It’s disgusting to be honest. Inheriting is a gift not a birth right.

The OP needs to pay a visit to the Cockroach café or the Older parents topic and see what some of us put up with.

It’s not always as simple as
’take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.’

I don’t want a penny from my mother. I want her to be safe and happy. I love her BUT I also value my own mental health and well being and more than that, the mental health and well being of my own children and partner.

I read an interesting book a few years ago called Being Mortal, about how we approach our own and our families’ end of life.

On the inter-generational care point, the author said pretty much every culture starts outsourcing elderly care as soon as they have the means to do so. So it may not be ‘kindness’ facilitating these kinds of arrangements where they occur.

These threads are always started by people safe and secure in social housing with public sector pensions.

Spiteful.

Have you actually cared for a dementia patient OP? Or even just a frail older relative that like to insist they are fine, but in reality needs assistance with absolutely everything? It’s not for the faint hearted, plus add in dependant children, full time jobs and maybe 5min a week to live your own life and come back and see if you still feel that care homes are the pits…

The nub is, yes, people (read women, daughters or dil’s) used to look after granny at home. But years ago you got old, ill and died. Now you get old, ill and live on for possibly decades and that comes at the price of either someone else sacrificing their freedom to be a 24/7 carer or cold hard cash to pay someone else to do it. Don’t be to quick to judge before you’ve been in this position.

Great post.

Increasingly with the increases in COL and stagnant wages people see inheritance as the only way to push themselves up the property ladder.

High house prices come at a cost. If house prices are high people that have them (relatively older) are significantly better off in total wealth terms than people who don't (relatively younger).

An increasing amount of families need to be able to transfer that housing wealth via inheritance in order to be able to afford a consistent standard of living.

If housing was not so expensive then younger people would be able to afford good housing from their own earnings rather than have to rely on inheritance (which would naturally be lower in value as house prices would be lower).

The idea that we have created a society where the majority of housing wealth is owned by the old (who really don't actually need to live in large houses) while the young struggle with kids in cramped housing is really screwed up.

When people see inheritance as their only realistic way out of poverty then of course they are going to fight tooth and nail for it.

Get back to me when the caring duties fall equally on men and women, then we can start talking about families providing care for elderly relations.

Jaw-dropping the racism allowed towards native Brits. Imagine if the same thread was posted about 'brown immigrant people'.

If I get to the stage where I can’t look after myself, I’d prefer to be able to take a pill and end my life rather than use my hard earned cash to vegetate in a care home.

Interesting

The cultures that you talk about have working men and women at home doing the caring.
My friend from India had an arranged marrage and her Mother in Law is coming over to the UK to be looked after by her as she has dementia and she is very upset by it but there is no welfare state in India.

In the Middle Ages in the UK, married couples typically started setting up their own households once they were financially stable enough to care for one, often after working as servants, farmhands, or apprentices, with marriages typically occurring in the late teens or early twenties. We have a long tradition of family separation and individualism which is why women in the west achieved parity with men.

There are other options, take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

We as a family cared for our elderly papa for 4 months whilst he battled and was taken by an aggressive cancer and it was hell.

To see someone diminish in front of your very eyes whilst trying to maintain the most basic care 24/7 was quite frankly the most exhausting thing we as a family have ever had to do, we were trying to fling money at any care available ( which was almost zero) and it truly was the most devastating thing ive personally had to go through.

Eventually a hospice agreed to take him but it was too late and he died just as the transport arrived.

Caring for someone in their or your home is not easy, a normal home is not set up properly to allow you to do this and it takes months for this to happen.

But in the same respect care homes will charge absolutely extortionate fees and more so to the people that can "afford" it.

Care for the elderly should be covered within the national insurance for which most of these people have paid into all their lives, especially the higher earners.

OP hasn't engaged with anyone other than one person who said they plan to keep their parents out of care homes at all costs if they need care in future.

Anecdotal, but my husband and I moved to be closer to his mum, we saw her once a week and my husband fixed up her house when she needed it or sorted out tradesmen and did her gardening. When she started having short term memory problems, we paid for a housekeeper, and then 5x daily carers to check on her. We took her to the doctor’s, and had power of attorney to help her sort out her bills. We recovered money for her she had been scammed out of, and this took a lot of time and was not pleasant. We hosted her for Easter, birthdays, Christmas for years and years, and took her on outings. We wanted to keep her out of a care home as long as possible, not because of greed, but because they aren’t generally the best places to land when you are old and vulnerable and getting dementia, and she was happiest living in her own home. When she passed away at 91, we did inherit a lot of money, yes, but I don’t think we were selfish about it. We did what we did out of love to give her the best life possible in the circumstances.

It is very tough seeing someone you care about deteriorate, heartbreaking really. I feel for all those out there caring for parents. It is a very difficult job.

The “kind hearted cultures” living side by side likely do this to keep the inheritance?

But white British culture is that women work, 24/7 same as men. and in most cases are the breadwinners.

We don’t have the luxury of caring for our elderly even if we wanted to, we don’t even have the luxury of caring for our own bloody children. So comparing cultures is pretty low.

as an aside working in the care industry hate to let you know about the cultures who sell their parents homes, pop the elderly in sheds at the bottom of the gardens and sneak in carers. While their parents live in revolving conditions. Let’s just brush over that shall we.