Too many people care more about their inheritance than the wellness of their elderly parents

[northernsunshine]

Inspired by the other thread, I’m saying what I’m saying. Too many people - in particular white British people - care more important their inheritance than their relatives.

So much moaning and sniping about their relatives having to sell their homes to pay for their care - yes, it is a service! Unfortunately under capitalism that is how things work. There are other options, take a leaf out of the books of more kind-hearted cultures where intergeneratinal families live side by side and where the elderly are welcomed into their homes and cared for by relatives. This is free but not easy and somehow incomprehensible to most British people that this would be the thing to do.

I don’t blame us (I’m also white British) I blame capitalism and individualism which promotes us all to be separate from our families, to be obsessed with buying and scrolling and to reject community, be suspicious of our neighbours and to be isolated because we’re more economically productive that way and “they” (business/ the gov/ the man) can wring us for every pound.

The obsession with money ruins families, it makes people greedy.

Kind-hearted cultures are doing it for the inheritance - enforced inheritance in most countries.

It’s one reason I think we do need to bring in the £80k limit on ‘self funding’ even if it’s funded by us all paying 2% into a ‘care scheme’ - this could also include care at home or family being paid effectively to ‘care at home’ - There is a great deal of resentment from both ‘some’ families but also those who are in need of care towards losing all they have ever built up purely on care needs- whereas others can effectively get it for just the cost of their pension as they effectively have little/no assets to touch. Admittedly not the choice there if non self funded or the best —but they will still get care. Plenty of elderly people are stubborn about this too, it’s not just ‘greedy relatives’ by any chalk. The number of old people who constantly bring up inheritance both as a matter of pride or in some cases ‘manipulative control’ is not small

I also think we need state legislation to ‘fix’ costs in care homes - so it becomes a pure choice, this should bring up the standards in some poorer places OR they can sell back to the state and the state controls certain ones , just as this was common in councils till recently .

I do think many elderly people hear the word care home or sheltered housing even and their mind switches off to anything positive , as they remember particularly awful dull ones that their parents/grandparents were in - we need to raise standards because whilst it’s always difficult in some situations they can be the best place for some to keep people safe, fed, sociable, medicated and actually have a good few years- particularly when it’s residential care rather than really hard 24/7 nursing care.

as I stated earlier I think this will not be as common practice going forward in inter generational families to care for elderly either , as an Asian mumsnetter pointed out- they are pushed to get great careers and lifestyles and ‘make money’ these days by their families which will mean far less women sat around doing stuff for family or prepared to do it even if older- and it’s usually down to the women, I really can’t see the guys doing this, just as is the situation with white British men .

I think in lots of these "kind" cultures, the intergenerational caring isn't a choice. DH is from one of these places, we pay for most help MIL needs even though she lives with extended family. Women often end up trapped by caring responsibilities, miss opportunities and put their own lives on pause. Inheritance also comes with obligation - maintaining land, buildings and businesses one might rather not.
The grass is not always greener.
In my case, I wont be doing any caring for my parents, as they have opted out of mine and my DCs lives. If that means forgoing an inheritance, so be it. I don't really care what they expect or want. Intergenerational "kindness" needs to start long before parents and need looking after, it's a bit late by then.

I run into both unpaid family carers and relatives hell bent on preserving inheritance on a regular basis. The unpaid family carers (who are killing themselves to give their loved ones the best life possible) vastly outnumber the greedy selfish people by maybe 30/1. And that's across all the cultures I encounter so far.

My takeaway is that most people are good. But arseholes will continue being arseholes in any situation.

Not always. My brother was the main carer for my mum even though we lived the same distance apart and still deals with all care home issues.

It is a small care home and around half of the other visitors I see regularly are men.

It is not perfect but it is definitely better.

I agree. I never knew my parents. Once my fil died, we brought my mil to live with us.
Despite having mixed dementia and being bed bound for the last couple of years of her life, we managed. My husband went part time at work and had to eventually take early retirement. His sister didn't even bother visiting the last 2 years.
It was extremely difficult at times but I'm glad we did it.
We didn't get any inheritance though. She'd been as poor as a church mouse all her life

Much as I agree that I cannot stand the whining and sniping about care home fees and also people feeling entitled to an inheritance - multi-generational living can also be quite challenging given most people have to work and many have kids of their own to mind. And the bulk of this labour overwhelmingly falls on women.

My grandfather was cared for by my aunts till he died but they were both spinsters and one had taken years out of work to look after him. Not everybody has the financial cushion to do that.

Also we have to accept that care homes will be a necessity as not everybody has family to fall back on. I have no kids so will definitely be in a care home if I need care in my dotage. Better option is to hope to stay healthy. My grandmother was in a retirement village and loved it. But she was healthy(ish) till she died.

I know a few peoples whose parents improved when they were moved to a home, probably because they were getting stimulation rather than sitting at home alone all day.

My BIL went mental at SS because they weren’t providing 24 home care for MIL, and when they clearly weren’t going to do that he suggested DH quit his job and moved home. He did not want any money going on care home fees.
He’s a twat and she died shortly after anyway so he got his money.

I am not bothered about value of inheritance. I am bothered that my parents are planning on leaving my brother more because he has kids, but will rewrite their will if I have kids…makes me feel like breeding stock (to be clear they aren’t leaving the grandchildren money).

They also expect me to run around doing errands for them which I am not longer prepared to do, because they don’t want to waste money on taxis and cleaners and things, and my brother has kids so doesn’t have time. I feel no need to protect the inheritance in the same way my parents and brother

Personally I think its disgusting that people work their whole lives then their money and assets are taken away if they need care. This is happening in my family just now and it's making me wonder why I even bought a house if I can't leave it for my kids.

But I'm anti capitalist. I think if you work your whole life, save money and manage to get mortgage free then it should be yours. Elderly care should be free.

This

I tend to agree op, mil lives in a retirement complex and I have worked in 2 others. These are flats that the person owna and there is a manager on site to manage the building. It's independent living and the manager is not responsible for the care of wellbeing of the residents. Although they do tend to keep an eye on them, it's not part of the job

The number of people who move in who have complex care needs, dementia, mobility issues etc. I have heard new residents family members ask the manager to "make sure mum takes her tablet every day" or being requested to provide personal care.

One home had a lady moved from an isolated hill farm, to our bustling town 250 miles away to "he near family". They lived 50 miles away.

Mil had an ex spitfighter pilot, who was moved in with dementia, he'd be visited by family once a week who dropped in the food shop, which he would eat within 3 days and roam around the building and enter other people's flats to steal food. The family ignored all calls and emails to the family from the manager. She called the police and reported him for theft in desperation.

These people were moved in to preserve the I inheritance, they owned the flats so they could be sold when they died

Well forgive me for caring about whether myself and my children would be homeless without an inheritance. Some of us don't have the luxury of being selfless.

Tbh I would feel gutted about the cost of either of my parents had to go into care not because I'm expecting inheritance from them but I think they will be leaving it to my kids, nephews and niece. And I know my parents would hate the idea of their GCs' inheritance going to keep them alive in a state that both of said they have no wish to be kept alive in. I think they have both left expressond of wish that their lives are not prolonged if it comes up that, but you could still end up living a long time if nothing comes up that might end your life sooner.

I agree but day to day taxes would need to rise by a significant amount for that to happen which wouldnt be a vote winner.

I think it can be very difficult in this country as often there is no space in our homes to have family live with us. My parents are elderly and live abroad ( ex pats ) if my mum dies my dad would stay there. If my dad dies my mum would come back to the uk. I would happily take either in if I had the space. DD and I live in a small 2 bed SO flat so it would be extremely difficult, my sister has a 3 bed house but 5 of them live there so equally difficult.

@Jabberwok that’s slightly complicated though by the fact some developments market themselves both for purchase and rent as ‘extra care’ indeed for some you need to have a GP referral - so I do think they need to be clear where ‘extra care’ cuts off or yes you will find some families seeking to take advantage of the fact that it’s considerably cheaper and preserving inheritance than many care homes , even if you buy on a £800 a month care package.

While I do agree to some extent, I also think houses in this country often aren't large enough to accommodate intergenerational living! We are desperately looking for a house big enough to accommodate my MIL as well but granny annexes aren't really a thing in this country so we're giving up on the idea.

I am 57. Would be happy for my 85 and 86 year old parents to live with us and to care for them. But unfortunately I will still be working full-time outside my home for another 10 years, so they are looked after by professional carers in a dedicated home. They worked hard and lived frugally all their life and their savings are paying for their care. I would love to have the utopian lifestyle you describe, OP, and to look after them in the way that societies that are not set up to screw us into the ground do, but I can't as I'm paying a mortgage, supporting a student and contributing to society via taxes instead.

Sometimes it's not a case of not being bothered or not wanting to help or of whinging because I will not inherit anything. It's a case of us living in a society that's so far removed from basic human needs that it's not even a possibility.

Indeed and there are also those facilities in town, but the places I have worked at and where mil lives are very clearly stating "independent living" and all the ads include " young" fit pensioners. And as I have said the managers have been asked to provide care and say no.

I think what you need to remove is that money buys you choices. My DF was in a grim care home at the end of his life because he became violent and there were very few choices.
poor people aren’t lazy or idle, they are just poor.

I have no children or other family either. What will happen to me in old age is a huge worry of mine. I do hope to move to a retirement village in plenty of time though. It's good to hear that your grandmother was happy there.

@Jabberwok blimey that’s cheeky
of them isn’t it- clearly they do indeed need the ‘extra care’ places out there- and pay the appropriate monthly ‘add on’ charge— I’m actually really pro retirement villages and sheltered housing if no nursing care is needed but as you say it’s not great when people are being pushed to go for developments not appropriate to their actual needs

I have never inherited, but I do have a home and have never been homeless. AFAIK that is not rare.