Nanny

[SallySooo]

My child age 2 was crying so I came to take over and my nanny wouldn’t let me. I said about 3 or 4 times I will give her a cuddle and she wouldn’t look at me and hugged my child and wouldn’t pass her to me. I ended up leaving the room. Is this normal for a nanny? Is it really necessary to be so territorial. I understand she’s doing her job but surely if someone at my work came over to my desk to talk I would look away from my computer and talk to them or let them speak to the client or whatever they were asking to do

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Maybe she’s trying to establish a relationship with the child that doesn’t involve you? What happens when she’s crying for mummy to take over and you are not there?

@Tatemoderndrawyourown thanks. They already have a good relationship.

Weird behaviour. That's your child and she's your employee. I'd give her the sack.

That’s really strange behaviour, to blatantly ignore you without giving a reason in the moment. Did you talk to her about it afterwards?

Yeah, I have to admit I’d probably have put her out on the spot. No one is going to withhold my child from me and refuse to hand them over, especially when they’re upset.

@IntheSpaghetti thanks. I know that people on MN don’t have visibility but I am a very decent employer. I am
polite I give her space I always try not to be in the same room when she’s with the kids and I’m working at home once or twice a week but today I literally saw the little one burst into tears and was like oh I will give them a hug but no. She clutched on to the child and said the child needs to do xyz now and then put her on her lap and put the child’s head back to rest and I’m standing there like an idiot. I don’t think it’s very smart to behave this way as it just encourages employers to think you know what maybe I should just save money and juggle work and childcare myself after all.

Do you interfere and step in a lot when your nanny is working?

@newschoolpals no I am thinking to give some feedback - I have a list of things but want to present it nicely in person when the kids are busy. I think it was just a ‘I’m doing my job and you’re interrupting me’ thing.

We have a good relationship (me and the nanny) otherwise

It can be hard being a nanny where parents work from home as boundaries can end up blurred. The nanny is trying to do her job and you, obviously, want to comfort your child. I've worked in many shared care roles and never had an issue with parents cuddling their child. Maybe have a chat with your nanny and set out your expectations but listen to her reasons to. I think most things can be resolved with good communication.

You are probably making her feel undermined and micromanaged far more than you realise.

You might not think she was being smart but she could be thinking the same about you and considering finding a family that go out to work.

You are the child’s mother and she isn’t.

@AirFryerCrumpet no. This is the problem with these threads - employers are assumed to be potentially full of issues but I am actually extremely decent and very very careful to ensure she’s happy as I know it means my kids will be happy if she’s happy etc.

@CopperWhite thanks, this isn’t the case at all. I never step in or appear in the room unless absolutely necessary like if I want to make a coffee and they’re in the kitchen.

You said she ignored you, then later said she gave a reason for what she was doing…

How is she meant to be able to soothe your child when you are going to step in? Of course the child would prefer their mum but I'm presuming you can't always be there when your child is upset?

I would leave it a couple of days and then say that you would like to speak to her. Make sure that the children are not present. Outline expectations and that you are the children’s mother although you appreciate their care of them, thank them for doing a good job, however gently push back on appropriate boundaries and ask her what her thoughts are on this.

@EbbandTheWanderingHearts thanks. I think Nannys need to realise that mothers wish they didn’t need childcare and that they want to be able to hug the child if they’re working at home. It isn’t their child. They’re working. It is a job. Until they have their own child they don’t get to stop another mother from cuddling the child. If the child wasn’t crying it would be different but I was right there

It wasn't an assumption it was a question.

Even just popping in to make coffee now and then might by very disruptive for the nanny and children.

Why was your child crying?

If you were in the thick of dealing with a difficult problem at work and your boss walked over and tried to grab your laptop and take over, how would that make you feel? And if you said to your boss “It’s ok I’m dealing with it” and your boss tried to grab your laptop a few more times to take over……. wouldn't you feel undermined and that your boss didn’t think you were competent to deal with the situation?

(I understand that a child isn’t a direct comparison to a laptop, before anyone says. Just trying to think of a comparable situation for OP to think how the Nanny felt from her side).

@MrsCastle thanks apologies I didn’t realise I use the word ‘ignored’ - she didn’t answer and then said the child needs to eat now or whatever

@Hollietree thanks. If a colleague walked over to my desk there is no way in hell I would not look them in the face. It’s so rude

Well she felt you were being rude too.

Thank you all for your comments. Maybe I do need to look into managing without a nanny. It might not be for us. All the best